Father’s Day

This is too late to help you for this year’s Father’s Day, but hopefully it will keep you from wrecking another celebration for that special dude in your life.

I’ve noticed a tendency in our society to view the differences between men and women as a matter of right vs. wrong, and it’s always the men who are deemed wrong. The movies Old School and Juno both featured men who were not ready / capable of being in the type of relationship their wives wanted, and people criticized the men for being overgrown adolescents instead of calling the women manipulative bitches who were trying to force change on the person they supposedly loved unconditionally. Note to planet Earth - those were fictional characters you were complaining about.

The same attitude seems to surface when it comes time for celebrations and gift-giving. For Mother’s Day, I heard a lot of moaning from women about how their men mishandled the event – no card, card didn’t come with a fancy envelope, card in a fancy envelope wasn’t accompanied by flowers, gift wasn’t useless enough (note to men – never buy a woman anything that actually does something), gift not properly wrapped or boxed, card in a fancy envelope with accompanying flowers and boxed gift didn’t include dinner reservations, etc. All this whining is completely understandable – it’s the woman’s special day, she’d like to be treated in a certain way, and men who are unable or unwilling to get it right make it seem like they are dismissing the woman who bore their children.

Then comes Father’s Day, and I heard a lot of women talk about how they would show him how it’s done – card in a fancy envelope, flowers, useless gift, etc. The problem is they’re doing exactly what they said the men did wrong – not celebrating his special day in his way. Since so many women seem to be unable to understand the needs of their men, complicated creatures that they are, I have included a simple step-by-step plan to help get you through the day.

1. Get naked and stay that way.
2. Skip the fancy envelope since it’s only going to get trashed. Skip the card too unless it’s really funny or includes nude pictures. Definitely skip the flowers.
3. The gift should actually do something useful. Skip the decorative packaging. For bonus points, completely remove it from the box / bubble packaging and throw away those instructions he’ll never use.
4. Breakfast in bed, best scheduled at the crack of noon. I recommend a bowl of pulled bbq pork strapped to your head while you deliver the first of the day’s many bj’s.
5. Anal sex. Since it’s his special day, you’ll be playing defense.
6. Go to the store and rent a video with a high titty to talking ratio, preferably with lots of ‘splodey things. Japanese movies are good for mixing action with porn. Yes, I know you’re still naked.
7. Dinner should not include dressing up or even leaving the house. I recommend a slice of pizza and a six-pack strapped to your head during the evening bj.

And that’s how it’s done. If you read all that, you owe me a dollar.

Daddy wants bunny.

Hit 40

I'm not ripping off Hit 40's bloggy ID, I really did hit 40 last Friday. THANKS FOR ALL THE BIRTHDAY GREETINGS, FUCKERS! As befitting a man of my youth and vigor, I celebrated by going home after work, ordering a pizza, and going to bed early. I invited Kira down for a visit, but she decided she'd rather chop off her own finger than see me. I tend to affect women that way. She and her hubby Alex sent me some sharp objects, a violent videogame, and a blood-soaked movie with lots of Japanese schoolgirls. Stabby shooty bunny! They know me so well.

Saturday I went to an awards ceremony honoring people who worked to establish better Japan-America relationships in the local community. All races of people represented except for the Japanese. Okay, one white guy had a bunny bride, but otherwise - zip. My experience with the local Japanese is that they only attend events when they get to mingle with other Japanese. Then I went to the mall to buy pants and found the missing Asians - at least the teeenyboppers and their mothers. I still don't know where to find the singles over 30.

And then that evening I completed Ultima IV and became the Avatar of Britannia. I bet you find me sexy now.

I was planning to have a major mid-life crisis and to throw a real hissy fit over turning 40, but I've been sick since I turned 39 and this is the best I've felt in a year. My blood sugar is finally down to safe levels and I'm more mobile than I have been. Of course, since I spent most of 39 in bed, maybe this birthday doesn't count.

Bunny!

Things Redux

Recently I did a meme about 10 Things I Wish I Could Say because I was bored and couldn’t think of anything else. Then I started thinking it might be more interesting to talk about the things I’ve heard. So, here it is. And because I don’t like long memes, I’m cutting it back from ten things to three. Then I’m doing three sections of three each, so technically it’s more like nine. Deal with it.

3 Things I’m Glad I Heard
1. “The hospital is going to write off your entire bill…” (see below)
2. “Yes, I will go to a movie and dinner with you tonight.”
3. “You’ll receive a medal for your actions during Dessert Storm.”

3 Things I Wish I Didn’t Hear
1. “…but you still have to pay all the individual departments and physicians, who will also bill the shit out of you.”
2. “Sorry that you’re standing on the sidewalk in front of the theater waiting for me, but I’ve really got to clean my apartment tonight.”
3. “A certificate showing your name and position is as good as a medal. What do you mean you’re in the infantry and not a typist? And that your name isn’t Harley?”

3 Things I Want to Hear
1. “It’s not an infection, you’re just developing super powers. By tomorrow you should be like the Hulk and Flash combined, plus Asian women will find you irresistible.”
2. “Even though you never buy tickets, you won the lottery this week. Through a legal loophole, that also puts you next in line as the emperor of Japan.”
3. “Why, yes, I am an eighteen year old Japanese schoolgirl who is addicted to anal sex. How did you know, handsome?”

I don’t do tagging, but either do this meme or you’re unmitigated scum.

Non-bunny post

Stolen from Avitable:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say or That I Should Say to Certain People:

1. I’m sorry, this conversation is all my fault – I expressed an interest. Please understand that I was just being polite and I really don’t care.
2. Am I allowed to hate you for your stupidity, or should I feel pity because you’re so moronic you’ve probably crossed the line into retardation?
3. BUNNY! Bunnybunnybunnybunnybunny - mybunny.*
4. You would look good wearing a roadside ditch and maggots. I can help you with that.
5. Would you like to have dinner with me?
6. I admire your ability to stay employed.
7. The world is fated to be destroyed by Giant Atomic Chickens™ in accordance with glorious Satanic prophecy.
八．日本語をはなしてもいいですか。
9. Ooh – shart!
10. The world would be a better place if you were dead. You have no value beyond being a consumer, and you don’t even spend that much.

What things would you say?

* Actually, my internal reaction to seeing an Asian woman is like this – just replace the word “bubbles” with “bunny”.

Appy-polly-logies

If I'm not around on the net much in the near future, it's because I have the interminable head* cold of doom ('09 tour) which, coupled with my other infirmities, is leaving me with just enough energy to drag myself to and from work each day. Since my brain shutdown also includes my imagination, I've had no recent desire to write fiction. Insted I have decided to write the definitive non-fiction work (read: pamphlet) on all I know about women. I'm calling it "All I Know about Women I Learned from Watching Anime and Playing Japanese Video Games". For instance:

1. Although they may act like they don't like it, women secretly enjoy being groped in a public place.
2. Proper military attire for female soldiers should make the average stripper blush (because at any time, a soldier can be called upon to do her patriotic duty, by which I mean a lap dance).
   

   

3. A woman's true age of sexual maturity / consent is apparently around ten.
4. The most appropriate punishment for any offense is to make the woman publicly undress.
5. A normally developed twelve year-old should weigh about 85 pounds and sport a 38DDD bust. Apparently our country (USA) is full of genetic freaks.
6. And, of course, the first rule of J-porn (which also applies to real life):
   

   

I'm still composing the list so I can hopefully fill out both sides of the pamphlet. Feel free to make suggestions in the comments section.

* I've subsequently renamed my head The Mucus Factory. Production is at an all time high.

Q and A part the ichi

SJ and Enemy of the Republic both sent questions for the question meme. The meme rules:

“The only rules are that you have to link back to the original post and you have to put these rules in your post:

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.”

Since I have 10 questions to answer and I’m busy and lazy and have a lot to say on some of the topics, I think I’ll do one or two a day. Relationship questions today:

From SJ: If you had to choose between a monogamous relationship with an Asian hottie and a constantly replenished harem of women of other ethnicities, which would you choose?
This is easy because I’d much rather have a monogamous relationship than a harem. It’s hard enough keeping one woman happy. In fact, I’d rather have a single relationship with a woman of any ethnicity (as long as we got along) than a bunny harem. Sure, it would be fun to wallow in their bunnyness, but at the end of the day I’d value the single companion more. Monogamous relationship wins. Bunny is just extra points.

From EotR: Choose: Which man is the hottest: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig or you? Justify your answer.
I have to defer to Daniel Craig on this one. Eric Bana is okay but a little bland to me. Craig is lean and taciturn, handsome without being a pretty boy, and seems a little dangerous even in repose. He looks like he could make your cat shit just by staring at it. Plus I bet he’d look good in a Japanese schoolgirl outfit.


Enemy - you see, that’s how you answer a question like that even if you’re hetero. Let me know if you’re unable to find any pictures of hot bunnies on the web.

I want one

The schoolgirl, not the drug.

Although drugs are fun too.

Tuesday - bleah

I’m still tired and my brain is operating in power-saving mode, so I stole this meme from Greenjello. There was a sixth question, but it didn’t match the 5 Things theme of the meme, and besides I generally lose interest when they go over five questions.

Five things on tomorrow's to-do list:
Go home for a nap for lunch.
Then eat Japanese food on the way back to work.
See Transporter 3 in the theatre.
Drink beer at Hooters.
Watch Hakaida.

Five snacks I enjoy:
Popcorn! (my dentist wants me to stop, but I have priorities)
Pocky.
Chuka wakame.
Beef jerky (especially teriyaki).
Japanese hotties.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
Pay off all debts (the hospital still owns me).
Buy a new car.
Buy a new computer.
Buy a new TV.
Buy a Japanese girlfriend.

(and her twin sister. that’s right – Ebi-chan has a twin)

Five places I have lived:
Louisville, Kentucky, USA
Nashville, Tennessee, USA
Gelnhausen, Germany
Various tents in the sand, Saudi Arabia / Iraq / Kuwait
Atlanta, Georgia, USA (the most awesomest place in the world despite the paucity of hot J-bunnies)

Five jobs I have had:
Busboy at a steakhouse
Various fast-food jobs (including McDonalds, Wendys, and Subway)
Kmart shoe salesman
US Army Infantry (aka legal professional killer)Professional Author (I count the six bucks I made selling a story to Hadrosaur Tales, even though the check bounced and cost me $20 in banking fees)

Thanks Heaps

Oh, boy. Bullet time!
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in this country (U.S.A.), or as I like to call it, Thursday. I hate the holidays because all of my friends are on family patrol, so they pack up and abandon me. But instead of doing a whiny bitchy post (too late), I decided to do the traditional thing and list all for which I am thankful. I am thankful…

• …for Japanese restaurants, because without them I’d be alone and hungry tomorrow.


• …for the native Americans, because if we didn’t steal their land I wouldn’t have anywhere to keep my stuff.


• …that we won WWII since the treaty stipulates that, at any time of my choosing, I can go to Japan, pocket a tiny Asian woman (where woman = female 12yo or older), bring her back home and make her my anal sex slave. I didn’t wiki this, I’m just assuming it’s in the treaty because I can’t think of any other reason for WWII.


• …that we defeated Korea and Vietnam for the same reasons. War on Thailand, anyone?


• …for His Satanic Majesty, the High Lord Lucifer, that he gives me religious alternatives to the smothering wave of xtian hypocrites that are fecking up our nation.


• …for my penis, or as I like to refer to it, my built-in amusement park.


• …mostly for you, my blogpals, for giving me something to do at work besides work. You are all truly great and appreciated. (ha ha dumb fuckers will believe anything oh wait you’re still typing stop dude stop)

Awesomeness continued

Who is hotter? Chinese cheerleaders?

Or Japanese cheerleaders?

Your vote may determine tonight's wacking material.

Okay, I admit it. I got nothing.

Attempting to top the awesomeness of yesterday's post

This is all I could find:

And, yes - NetFlix does have it.

In keeping with the recent trend of awesomeness

Axe killing techniques as taught to tartan-clad Japanese schoolgirls:

I'll take a dozen.

Awesome Monday

First it started with Galmet - an all-girl Japanese death metal band.

Direct link.

Then I discovered Lujaneeza - the singer looks Asian.

Direct link.

Then I found Ikaten - I'm not sure if that's the band or the name of the show. They're not the prettiest J-bunnies ever, but chicks in bands (especially bass players and drummers) are hot.

Direct link.

Then I discovered Vyson - you can't really see them well here, but they are hot and the song title is Killer Pussy which makes them even more awesome.

Direct link.
Another song is here. It's all stillshots instead of video, but in the middle is a picture of the band, any one of which would make a good present to me.

And here is a creation using Haruhi and friends from anime series The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It's all kinds of awesome. A quartet of hot Japanese schoolgirls form a band with two dressed in schoolgirl outfits, Haruhi dressed as a sexy bunny, and the other lead guitarist dressed as a witch. The first song is Kill You by Dethklok - a lovely song for the ladies. Note - Pickles is singing instead of Nathan Explosion.

Direct link. Below is the same scene, but now it's set to Painkiller by Judas Priest.

Direct link. And again, but now it's Nemesis by Arch Enemy.

Direct link.

As the Head Honcho of the United States of Bunny, I approve of this growing trend. And here are a few more items of awesomeness:

It's Time for Change

And, no, this is not about the feckin' elections. I looged onto bloglines this morning and it reported over 300 new posts, many as recent as April of 2004. And it reported no activity for some people who did post. And it reported broken feeds for others.

So, I'm finally switching to google reader, a move that would fill me with more confidence if it didn't frequently report errors while I was trying to add all your blogs. If I used to comment on your site and abruptly stopped, it's not because I hate you. It's because you were lost in the switch. Either that, or I hate you. Leave me a comment and I'll visit your site to inform you of why I hate you.

And just to shut Crys up, here is a short vid of a forest and an ocean that has nothing to do with J-bunnies at all.




And another one with more ocean.




Direct links are here and here.

Fantasy Football Done Right

I hear a lot about fantasy football, and I thought I would follow some FF blogs because if there is anything in the world in need of a dose of fantasy, it is football. Has anyone ever sat and just watched a game? I have at the gym on an exercise bike. It actually made time seem slower. For entertainment value, football ranks somewhere between drying paint and a lava lamp.

I applauded the idea of fantasy football until I discovered it was a lot like regular football if regular football teams were formed by guys who couldn’t pay the salary of the third string backup janitor’s shoeshine boy. Let me give you an example of how I think fantasy football should work.

The opposing team: helmed by some dude named Favre and a bunch of other no-necks I don’t recognize. Their uniforms are chartreuse and lavender. The coach is a wealthy white Republican old guy in a blue suit. Their cheerleaders wear burkas. Their fans are religious fundamentalists.

My team: Superman is the quarterback. The linebackers have been replaced with Giant Atomic Chickens™. The colors are black and highland green. The coach is me wearing a field marshal uniform replete with saber. Thousands of Asian lesbian schoolgirls cheer us on. The cheerleaders are also Asian (natch).

Our fantasy priest, Aleister Crowley, blesses my team with a quick benediction (“Rip their feckin’ spleens out in the name of Satan!”). Not knowing how they decide who goes first, I propose a drinking contest between the coaches. But as I’m pouring the arsenic, the opposing coach snags the ball and tosses it to Favre. The game is underway. Favre snaps the ball. He is obviously talented. But is he bulletproof?

*BLAM*

No, I thought not. Their coach cries foul, but I smugly remind the referee that there is no rule in football that specifically forbids a team from hiding snipers in the audience.

Ref: “I’ll allow it.”

Side note – Asian lesbian schoolgirl snipers. Mmm…hurty.

Anyway, first blood is mine. I will win because I am the master tactician. I tell Superman to ignore the pigskin and instead fry the defensive line with his heat ray vision.

Supes: “But that’s crazy!”
Me: “You’re off the team. Amscray, Clark.”
Supes: “Hey! How did you know…”
Me: “The glasses weren’t fooling anyone. We just kept quiet out of courtesy. Now, vamoose, wuss!”

I play my trump card and call forth my backup quarterback – KING KONG!

Me: “The defensive line is Purina monkey chow. Go convert them to gorilla poo.”

The opposing team might find it odd that my strategy involves ignoring the ball, but I’m employing the end-game gambit known as the Grant Maneuver (patent pending). While Kong munches on the opposing players and the GACs fry the opposing audience with their laser eyes, the Hulk and a team of Klingons will capture and torture the opposing coach until he concedes victory. What a wimp! He caved after only losing two fingers and a testicle. Victory is mine! The cheerleaders dog-pile on me to celebrate my victory.

And that's what football should be.

Happy VD

It's Veteran's Day, and we celebrate my contribution to this country (the USoB) by the fact that today I'm legally allowed to demand a blowjob from anyone who didn't serve. At least I assume President Clinton put that one into law. You may think that's too much of a reward for serving in our first tour of Iraq, and granted it wasn't exactly WWII, but in the early nineties exactly how many of you were raped and killed by the Iraqi Republican Guard?

You're welcome.

Time to Unite the Nation

I thought I would take a moment this morning to bring us all back together as Americans, be you democrat, republican, libertarian, or even Eskimo (but not religious fundamentalists, because you guys are scary and should move to the Middle East). And as patriotic Americans, I think we can all agree that what unites us, what has been the one shining example of quality American know-how and can-do throughout the decades, is our ability to bomb people.

If you look at our history, you’ll notice we used to exclusively bomb white people – mostly classy Eurotrash. Then in WWII we tired of our racist policies and switched to yellow people. After Vietnam, we escalated to light brown people (Grenada, Panama) and have now moved on to medium brown (Afghanistan, Iraq). The logical progression would be to next invade Pakistan, and some of the saber-rattling has indeed indicated that could be our next step. I believe that’s why we didn’t interfere with Darfur – we’re not scheduled to bomb black for a couple of decades. But as an American who is supposedly part Cherokee, I protest the fact that we went from yellow to brown and completely skipped red.

According to studies I’ve red, Native Americans are the most marginalized racial group in our society with the highest rates of suicide, divorce, poverty, drug and alcohol addiction, and unemployment. This is exactly why I think our next strike should be against the Cherokee nation. History has shown that being bombed by us is good for the economy, and I for one am sick of all our economic aid (read: bombs) being used for the benefits of foreigners who, by definition, reside outside of the U.S. Who did we bomb the worst? Japan. Who has the world’s biggest economy outside of America (natch)? Japan. Number two in both cases? Germany. That’s why Vietnam’s economy has been improving, but they are not yet a world powerhouse. They showed a lack of insight by asking us to leave before we bombed them into economic fruition. I’m assuming that’s how the war ended since no American would ever be anything less than a gracious visitor to a foreign land.

So, we all need to pull together and eliminate Oklahoma, the new capitol of the Cherokee nation. Two reasons for this – 1) it’s Oklahoma, and who’s going to miss it? (okay, a few Oklahomans might get a bit prickly, but otherwise…) 2) It would be the ultimate act of concession. Instead of simply handing over bits of land to be used for casinos, we blast the red man into wealth and power. And no wussy atomic bombs this time, either. Americans deserve only the best. I’m talking mass drivers in outer space flinging porpoises with frickin’ laser beams strapped to their heads with a hundred pounds of plastique in their bellies. The new state motto will be “Oklahoma – Bunnyland’s Pothole” (the name will make sense in a few). Once my people have all been destroyed, we’ll be on top again.

Since this is my idea, I will of course be Head Honcho (my official title). The country will be known as the United States of Bunny. (The title USoB came to me as a flash of genius this morning when I cut some loud dude off in traffic) Despite the title, government will make no laws which regulate personal relationships, restrict or encourage religious beliefs, or that favor one race or sex over the other. Exception – any hot Asian women who sleep with me will receive an automatic head honcho pardon.

Hot J-bunny: “I just murdered my husband. And the other thirty-eight guests at our dinner party. And Iowa.”
Me: “Quick – get naked! If I don’t penetrate you before the authorities arrive, you could get into trouble.”

You know I’m right.

Important Election Day Info

Good to know.

Breaking News

Overheard from my cubicle:

"The gasoline shortage was a hoax. I mean, that don't make no sense. We didn't have gas, now all of a sudden we do have gas? That was just a scam run by President Bush to make more money."

That's right - the gasoline shortage in the Southeast attributed to low refinery production because of damage caused by the hurricaines was actually a money-making scam perpetrated by the president to personally enrich himself. Remember that you heard it here first. My unknown cube-mate later added:

"I'm voting for Obama because I can't understand nothing McCain says."

- a public service announcement to remind the democrats that you too are in the company of morons. I didn't pick on the republicans because they already have President Bush.

*EDIT*

Bunny!

Game Review

Warning – some spoilers follow. If you’re planning to play Kana – Little Sister, you may want to skip this post. Also you’re a pervert.

Actually, it’s something of a misnomer to label it a game. Mood music and still images fill the background while the foreground is populated with text. You read the text, click to proceed, and occasionally make choices that determine the outcome of the story. It’s like a graphic version of the Choose Your Own Adventure books, but with incest. Unlike the CYOA series, the story does not feel like a veiled attempt at a morality parable since you have to boff your sister in order to save her life. Below is a SFW screen capture:

As well as one seriously NSFW.

Kind of like regular porn, I liked everything about it except the part where they have sex. The story is an involving one about two siblings, a brother two years older than a sister who is facing renal failure and most likely an early demise. It explores themes of life and death, living life to the fullest, and how the disadvantaged frequently cherish the experiences that you and I take for granted (actually, more like you).

In a way, the game doesn’t deliver on what it seems to offer, although to be fair the description on the packaging doesn’t guarantee you a chance to have sex with your underaged sister. It’s a びしょうじょ game, which technically means “beautiful girl” but is often a reference to girls under the age of consent. The story starts in childhood when your character is ten and she is eight, but the sex comes (if at all) only after she turns eighteen and you learn that she is adopted. At first I thought the setup might anger some since it fails to deliver the incest / lolly combo hinted in the product description and I thought it seemed that by backing off the taboos the writer seemed like he new the words but didn’t understand the music, but now I think it was a clever way to get the story past the pesky Western censors. Kana isn’t underaged, but she looks like she is because her illness has prevented her from developing, except for her boobs (natch). She’s not really your sister, she was just raised that way. She’s intellectually mature, but easily frightened and emotionally retarded, and outside of occupying a hospital bed she’s experienced as much life as the average six year-old. If having sex with her doesn’t fill your weekly perversion quota, you need to lay off the humans and go for barnyard sex videos. Anyone who knows a good place to find those can leave a link in the comments section.

Overall, I’ll give it 4.5 stars out of 5. The story is moving but there were a couple of inconsistencies as well as some Engrish that makes it unintentionally funny at times. Plus no option for anal sex. The short clipped sentences were a little jarring at first, but they are ideal for this kind of graphic delivery so once I got used to the rhythm I was able to enjoy the prose. Other than the sex parts, which could be removed without seriously altering the story, I’d label it a must-read.