Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Appy-polly-logies

If I'm not around on the net much in the near future, it's because I have the interminable head* cold of doom ('09 tour) which, coupled with my other infirmities, is leaving me with just enough energy to drag myself to and from work each day. Since my brain shutdown also includes my imagination, I've had no recent desire to write fiction. Insted I have decided to write the definitive non-fiction work (read: pamphlet) on all I know about women. I'm calling it "All I Know about Women I Learned from Watching Anime and Playing Japanese Video Games". For instance:
  1. Although they may act like they don't like it, women secretly enjoy being groped in a public place.
  2. Proper military attire for female soldiers should make the average stripper blush (because at any time, a soldier can be called upon to do her patriotic duty, by which I mean a lap dance).

    Army Bunnies!

  3. A woman's true age of sexual maturity / consent is apparently around ten.
  4. The most appropriate punishment for any offense is to make the woman publicly undress.
  5. A normally developed twelve year-old should weigh about 85 pounds and sport a 38DDD bust. Apparently our country (USA) is full of genetic freaks.
  6. And, of course, the first rule of J-porn (which also applies to real life):

    Tentacle Rape Bunny!

I'm still composing the list so I can hopefully fill out both sides of the pamphlet. Feel free to make suggestions in the comments section.

* I've subsequently renamed my head The Mucus Factory. Production is at an all time high.

9 comments:

Sam said...

I think I caught a cold bug from one of your comments - my head is stuffy, my throat is killing me and my right eye is infected and oozing odd coloured snot of some sort...

I once dated a stripper who would actually have fit in this guide perfectly, any of her men who really wanted to impress her would only have to look here for reference! Then she got really fat, morbidly so even, and she got really damn mean as well.

Now? I'd just advise a harpoon...

Thankfully the divine art of female sumo hasn't caught on over there. *shudders*

tiff said...

There's something seriously wrong with you.

Tracy Lynn said...

Heh. You said tentacles.

SJ said...

One more: Family members make good sex partners.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm apparently on the same "09 tour.

Let's pen a new song, "Breathing With Her Mouth Open" in honor of our mutual maladies.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Oh and I LOVE that last cartoon. That's just damn funny.

Grant said...

sam - I'm glad the glass ceiling is in place in the world of sumo too.

tiff - well, duh.

tracy - yes. Yes, I did.

sj - I considered editing the post to add that yesterday after I published it, but I decided to leave it alone. I'm glad you mentioned it. Great minds think alike.

rll - my cough is now more productive than me.

Monogram Queen said...

Hope you feel better quick my j-bunny loving friend!

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