This is old, but cool

The Photograph Puzzle Maker.

Anyone who can complete a puzzle using the smallest piece size is a way more hardcore jigsaw puzzler than me.

And here is an image to help get you started. In fact, this blog is a great place for jigsaw puzzle images. Who wouldn't want to assemble a bunny?

Portal

I haven't played the game, but my understanding is that it's a first person shooter with a weapon that can open holes in walls / floors / ceilings. Essentially the building is a maze with a series of enemies / puzzles to defeat while receiving helpful instructions from a female computer named GLaDOS (pronounced like Gladys). The computer frequently offer cake as a reward for escaping. In the end, you discover the computer was just experimenting on you and intended to dispose of you when finished. At that point, you get to turn on the computer and destroy it while it attempts to talk you down (e.g. "okay, you've passed the real test - you can have your cake now"). None of that matters. The end credits / closing song is my new obsession:

And then you can watch this:

Direct links are here and here.

Holiday Drama

I'm lucky enough to have no family and very few friends, so I'm usually spared any extra drama around Hannukwanzaramadamas time. This year, however, reality is giving me a candy caning.

First, Deathstar hospital continued their attempts to bill me. Their latest communique states that because they are now billing me under a slightly different name, my only recourse is to pay them or petition the courts to add the new billing name to my list of debtors. Since you should never take legal advice from lawyers retained by companies trying to screw you, I turned the issue over to the law bunny. No response from anyone recently on this issue which is fine since I'm trying to cut added drama from my life (HA!), but it's nice to have this hanging over me like mistletoe made of poison ivy.

Since I only had two takers on the "who wants an xmas card from me?" dealy, I decided to kick things up a notch and go with presents instead. I tried to Amazon some cool Lego Star Wars toys to a Canadian blogger, but this is not allowed. I can only imagine it's because Canada is nearing success on their nuclear program and tiny plastic toys will give them what they need to finally invade and nuke NY city, which would be bad because there could be tourists from decent parts of America harmed as well. But screw them - I decided to ship the toys to myself, then reship them to Cannuckland, patriotism be damned. Amazon contracted one company to send these items and another company to ship these three items. FUN GUESSING GAME - guess which package got lost in the mail? Yes, you guessed it - it was the package with the three cool items.

So thus began the fun of tracking the missing package. The tracking web site simply said "delivererd". After much clicking, the only support I could get was by phone (which I hate, btw). This led to an automated system asking for my tracking number which said the package could not be tracked and that I should contact the local post office for help. Tired of dealing with the postal system, I returned to Amazon for help. Their site told me to call the postal number. After further digging, I was finally able to open a complaint via e-mail and was asked if I would like a refund or a replacement. I asked for a replacement. Apparently they lost the last Assassin Droid / Shadow Stormtrooper / Mace Windu's in existence because they said no more were available, so they went with the refund.

Now flash back to late October when my bank was overtaken by another bank. As part of the fun of transitioning I had to destroy my old debit card, activate a new one, and update all of my accounts. Shortly before the fun with the post office ordeal, I reconciled some old payments and discovered that my new account was still honoring claims against my old debit card, three of which were made to a vendor I didn't recognize. I looked for online support, discovered they only handle these issues over the phone (grr) and began the fun process of having my debit card canceled (which makes no sense because it was the previous card being charged, but they insisted it was the thing to do), living off cash for a week (which felt like touring a foreign country), and then doing all the fun activities with debit card yet again. Plus I received paperwork from them to fill out with a bunch of neat categories from which to select, none of which covers my situation, and a phone message asking that I call and talk to them again (whee). And although they honored claims against the old card they told me to destroy from the old bank, they're very efficient at not allowing refunds to their first debit card.

So, to my Canadian blogger pal, I say sorry that you will only be getting two really cheap toys that will have cost me around $50 in total payments to have some shipped to me, other toys lost in the mail, and then reship the remaining ones to you, and if you ever visit our superior nation then I will most likely attempt to kill you for your involvement in my latest round of drama.

And now I understand why people add booze to their egg nog. It's time to nog the rest of 2010 into submission.

Bunnytime

Hinata Izumi, 20yo geek bunny.

For added awesomeness, here is a promotional video from Capcom with her sitting on an exercise ball playing Dead Rising 2 in a bikini.

Official blog: http://ameblo.jp/hinataizumi/

Edumacation

I recently overheard some people talk about the useful things they learned at college (uni), and that made me think. I'm an IT professional, but I can honestly say I've only learned one thing through higher education that I was able to use in the workplace. In my first Assembly class, the instructor informed us that with mainframe systems the enter and return keys have separate functions. Sometime later at an off-hours dead-end computer operator job, my trainer told me the same thing and I was able to proudly and honestly say that I already knew that. $40k+ in student loans - totally worth it.

But if you really want to learn some useful skills and/or life lessons, then clearly you need to go to a more obvious and respectable source - video games. Here is what they've taught me over the years in no particular order.

• Random killing is fun and you will receive no come-uppance whatsoever. (Wasteland)
• If you kill someone because they are annoying and in your way (which is why they don't fall under the random kill scenario above) and the local guards (police) start chasing you, you can always leave the room and re-enter and all will be forgiven. (Ultima V)
• It's okay to drive head-on into a school bus at 230 mph (about 370 kph for you Klingons Canadians) behind the wheel of your million dollar ride as long as you're willing to pay the ultimate price - namely, starting your trip over from the beginning. (Need for Speed)
  
• Seahorses are beautiful creatures of nature and to harm one is a sin which will adversely affect your life. Squid, on the other hand, are fucking evil and should be destroyed on sight. (Ultima IV)
• You can never have too many backpacks, even though they often cost more than precious gems. They're both affordable and necessary due to all the time you'll spend looting corpses. (Dragon Age)
• The most powerful economic force in the universe is fish. (Utopia)

Yes, I have been playing video games since before you were born. Admit your jealousy and move along.

Wiiview - MadWorld

MadWorld is a game made for the generally family-friendly platform that is the Wii, and should not be played by anyone who is younger than 137 and has not personally participated in at least one attempted genocide. It's like playing in The Running Man, but with better acting. Pretty much everything can be used as a weapon, included toilets, just in case you get tired of relying on the chainsaw strapped to your arm (not bloody likely). The graphics are deliberately grainy to simulate a battle arena being televised commando-style, but the subtle use of color (see below) keeps the images crisp and the action easy to follow.

Note - the above image may be offensive to pussies.

In addition to a world carpeted with gore and scored to some brutal music, the voice work is handled by professional actors (it's not a coincidence that Jack, your character, sounds like Wolverine from the Hulk vs. movies), and the televisors provide a constant running commentary with their Rabelais-style wit, as evidenced by the following exchange:

Commenter #1: "Wow, that's ironic!"
Commenter #2: "What's so ironic about being ringed with a tire and then run through with a signpost?"
Commenter #1: "Did I say ironic? I meant fucking awesome!"

Challenges in some similar games are often annoying and distracting from the main action, but not here. For a break in the normal fun, you get to see how many people you can toss into a jet engine, or fight it out with a giant armored minotaur packing a double-bladed chainsaw. (Hint - grand slam to the head with a spiked bat works very well here) This is definitely a time when swinging the Wiimote to the tune of a chainsaw is way better than just rapidly pressing buttons.

The only major drawback is that the game only saves between levels, meaning you'll never get anywhere until you complete an entire level at a time. The one time I was determined to clear level one, I paused the game and sharted / rested until I had enough strength to unpause and continue, then I discovered I missed one of the challenges and was stuck at the end without the big boss appearing. I'm cutting a half bunny from the rating for that.

Final rating:


Of course, you may object to a game wherein the "plot" is just an excuse for nonstop mayhem, but if that's the case then enjoy the salad bar, commie.

Wiiview – Wii Fit Plus with Balance Board

By now your resolve to exercise more and eat healthy and shart less and quit cigarettes and booze and heroin and get a raise and convince your girlfriend to try anal sex or convince your boyfriend to stop nagging you to try anal sex might be flagging. And so, to help with the first one, I bring you my review of the Wii Fit Plus program just in time for you to be unable to buy it. Seriously – it’s sold out almost everywhere and the places that are accepting online orders say it is back ordered to the tune of two weeks. Considering it sometimes takes me a month to get things that are currently in stock, that means you should have yours in time for the Turkey and Eggnog Fest at end year when you don't care about exercise.

But don’t let your inability to actually attain one stop you from enjoying it. This is a nice exercise program. Note that I said exercise program and not game. Although it does include various cardio and balance games (and other silly stuff such as putting things on the balance board and trying to guess the weight), its primary purpose is to motivate and track exercise. If you’re looking for a program that can be fun and challenging, this could be for you. If you need to be tricked into exercising, try a sports game or an actual sport, such as competitive eating.

I got this program because I need exercise that can be customized to my reduced fitness level and that would help improve my poor balance. For instance, until recently I have been unable to close my eyes in the shower without touching the curtain rod to keep myself oriented, and I had to ask a friend to change a light bulb for me because I couldn’t look up without falling over. Thanks to Wii Fit +, I can now perform such mundane tasks with the best of them. With a little more training, I could earn a place in the Special Olympics.

In addition to tracking how fat your are and graphing your poor health (note - it does provide the opportunity to hide your weight with a password), it contains activities mostly lumped into four groups: balance games (aka games that are infuriating to me due to my poor balance), cardio activities (aka activities that are infuriating to me due to my poor balance), yoga (aka sissy liberal poofter girly activities that will kick your ass), and strength training (aka stuff that should be called more yoga but isn’t because the yoga ninja monkey masters forgot to copyright it) (I assume that’s what they’re called). Difficulty levels range from “You call that exercise?” (one activity tracks how well you can sit still) (I’m not kidding) to “Makes Superman cry.”

I did identify several shortcomings, however. It tries to set goals but only focuses on weight loss if it thinks you’re overweight, and you are – it said my ideal weight at 5’ 10” / 178 cm should be 153 lbs / 69 kg, although when I was at my ideal weight it was actually 173lbs / 78.5 kg). It allows you to add time spent during non-Fit+ workouts, but it only records information on the day entered and doesn’t include an option to automatically track time spent on other Wii programs. The female trainer-bot is a tad bitchy and makes you want to drop-kick your TV set. And the whole thing is a class-action lawsuit waiting to happen in the U.S. I think it’s funny, but not all fat people are jolly and some may get upset that the program calls them obese in a cutesy voice, makes their Mii character swell up like a balloon, and even makes sounds like they’re hurting the balance board when they step on. I’m still waiting for mine to start gasping for air while screaming “Get off! Get off! Get off!” Still, these are not major complaints, but rather opportunities for Nintendo to improve an already decent product.

Personal rating: 3.5 bunnies.

Bear in mind that my poor health makes the “games” more stressful than fun. Based on my friends’ reactions, most normal people would rate this 4+ bunnies.

Note – I’m eating a bag of Funyuns while writing this.

Wiiview - Force Unleashed

When I decided to buy another game for the Wii, I was immediately drawn to Star Wars – Force Unleashed. What’s not to like? Exercise in the form of play! Low $20 price! The Wiimote will now make the light saber noises for me! I’ll get to play a Sith Lord instead of a wussy good guy! I may get the chance to slay Jar-Jar Binks or at least some random Ewoks! The game’s initials are FU! I’ll get to use lots of exclamation points in the review!
Unfortunately, actual game play is a bit of a drag. It’s my first introduction to this type of game, the first person walk around and kill and do stuff genre, and although it sounded ideal it’s not really for me. Ironically, I've discovered I like silly but engaging activities like sports games (I say ironic because I hate sports in reality). For purposes of this review, however, my comments are specific to this title.

You start the game as Darth Vader, an excellent way to start any game (Mario Kart and solitaire could use this improvement), but the thrill ends quickly. The controls are so complex and sensitive they often left me delivering a fatal blow a meter to the right of my opponent or standing still and taking fire while I tried to remember which button is Q and if I’m supposed to jump down and turn around before I pick the bale of cotton. The point of view is from behind an opaque Sith Lord which allows enemies to hide by charging directly at you. The game frequently pauses to save your progress, but if you quit and return later then you have to restart at the beginning of the level, and I’m not yet well enough to complete an entire level without several lengthy rest breaks. When you reach the end and fight the big boss (a fairly wimpy Jedi), the camera angles change constantly (probably entertaining for onlookers, but disorienting to the player) and the game forces you to discover the closing combo move it thinks looks pretty cool before it allows the fight to end. It provides a few on-screen tips, but I wasn’t able mirror the movements quickly enough, so the game raised my opponent’s health back to 25% and made me do it again. And again. And again. And this was just to get to the prologue of the real story.

Worst of all, the Wiimote doesn’t even make light saber noises. And I only got to kill Wookies, which are more respectable opponents, but I really wanted to take out an Ewok village. If you’ve seen episode VI, you know how sickeningly cloying they are. They’re kind of like a mix of Teddy Ruxpin (remember that doll from Hell?) and what doves would be if doves weren’t so ferocious and didn’t have that terrifying beak. Plus the cover shows your character battling storm troopers. From previous games I've noticed that George Lucas doesn't like it when you play the bad guys, so he tends to turn the games into stories about the baddies fighting each other instead of suppressing the rebellion. He could refuse to make games like that, but I've never known him to let artistic integrity or moral objections get in the way of financially raping his fans.

This game is a must-have for everyone who thinks anything Star Wars related is a must-have. Otherwise, I recommend a pass.

Final score – 2 out of 5 bunnies.

Wiiview

For my initial review of the Wii, I'm focusing on the console and the accompanying game, Wii Sports. For the record, this is only my third console game ever. While the Wii is designed to be fun while tricking you into being active, the same cannot be said for my first console, the beloved Atari 2600, and its free game, Combat.

With the simple joystick and single red button, it was possible to sit and play with one hand while the other was free to masturbate and/or eat fried snacks that left orange powder on your fingers. Decades later and with large portions of the world (especially corporate America) engaged in lifestyles that keep them in front of a computer with said snacks at hand, the Japanese decided that we are all fat and smelly gaijin and we need to work off some of that flab before we all drop dead of massive coronaries around age twelve. I believe that was the initial pitch to the Nintendo board of directors.

At first, the Wiimote feels too sensitive, but it doesn't take long to overcome, assuming you don't have DT's or some kind of palsy. (as a general note, the Wii is not designed for people with serious handicaps or missing limbs) Once past that, the interface is mostly intuitive and when not the instruction manuals are reasonably easy to use. It can connect wirelessly to the Internet, or via ethernet cable with the purchase of additional equipment. (additional note - the Wii is kind of like Barbie - generally cheap but nearly useless without a million accessories) The best part about connecting your Wii to the Internet is that you can tell all your friends that you connected your Wii to the Internet, assuming you hang out with people geeky enough to care. Otherwise, the weather and shopping channels are inferior to using a desktop browser and I have no interest in online gaming.

The Sports game, however, is a perfect intro. The five games are simple to play but difficult to completely master. Bowling and golf are so low-intensity that they don't trigger shart attacks if I play, and they allow multiple players with a single Wiimote. Tennis and baseball can accommodate multiple players with extra controllers, and the games are simplified (baseball focuses only on pitching and hitting) to keep the learning curve easy. Besides, there are other titles out there for people who want the full experience of those games. The fifth game, boxing, introduces the user to the use of the attachable nunchaku (included) and is intense enough to tire healthy people.

One missed opportunity - the Wii people allow very few adult titles, which is a shame because the motion-sensitive Wiimote would be great for びしょうじょ games. You could just tuck the Wiimote into your shorts and get busy - fun, and great exercise. Wiimote wipes sold separately.

Total score: 4.5 out of 5 bunnies.

*EDIT* - I created some tiny J-bunny images to enhance my ratings system. I know she's wearing kitty ears - SHUT UP!

This is the second Sith-related shopping mall dream I've had

So, I was playing Star Wars - Force Unleashed on my Wii and then I had a dream that I was Darth Vader in a swanky boutique shop in a mall purchasing a fancy package of toffee (or was it taffy), but I left my debit card on the counter for a moment and somebody saw my name and discovered my super secret Sith identity so I had no choice but to whip out my lightsaber and kill everyone in the building. I'm not sure what the Great Magnet is trying to tell me here. Either I should take out a shopping mall, or avoid candy due to my diabetes. It's one of those.

My bankruptcy hearing is today, so if I never blog again it's because I was found guilty and am locked away in debtor's prison (I assume they still exist).

Totally boring update

I ordered the Wii Fit Plus from Amazon today because it is $14 cheaper than Best Buy, shipping is free, and I won't have to fight my way across a crowded store before standing in the checkout line, paying taxes, and waiting for the register to spit out a receipt the length of a mortgage contract. Amazon says their estimated ship date is December 14, but they also estimated a lengthy wait that didn't occur when I bought the Wii. It's probably due to Hannukwanzaramadamasux. Who knew it would occur in December again this year?

***Update***

I forgot to mention that Amazon offered me $40 off if I got their credit card. I had one before, but I used it to pay medical bills and the account has just been closed due to my filing for bankruptcy. Next time I order from them, should I attempt to get another one? I'm not worried about misusing it, I just wonder how that will look on my credit report (especially since I haven't had my day in court yet).

Fitness Age

This weekend I Wii'd (if I use it, it's a real word). I tried a little of each of the Wii Sports - tennis, golf, baseball, bowling, and boxing - and found that my athletic aptitude is spread across the board. I could be looking at a potential new sports career. I could be the kind of ringer that teams could bring in, for any sport (be it basketball or curling or disappearing dead Asian hookers), if they need a regular guy who is capable of losing in the Special Olympics.

Wii Sports has a feature that allows you to, once per day, perform three training tasks and then it rates your fitness age based on things such as your stamina, and agility. I started the weekend at age 70, which was a disappointment because I thought I had worked my way up to at least 65. The joke is that I'm not kidding about that. I tell people who want me to do physical activities to just pretend I'm 65 and then ask themselves if they would still want my help. I guess I have to up the estimate. Anyway, with hard work and more training, I managed to retest on Sunday and score - age 74. Maybe they're calculating that as a percentage of how healthy I should be.

If you think I put too much stock in what my new video game says, you obviously haven't been paying attention to the last year and a half of medical treatments I've endured. Given the quality of healthcare to which I've been exposed, I feel much more comfortable in being assessed by Dr. Nintendo. Plus which the Wii carried a small $200 price up-front and will not be billing me for the initial sale for the next two years.

For enduring all of these words, here is a repost of a hot Asian schoolgirl for you.

I think it might be Avitable.

Religious follow-up

In case you were wondering which role playing game alignment you should choose, see which of the following movie characters you identify with the most.

I'm kind of leaning towards Chaotic Neutral or Evil myself.

Continuing stuff continued

So now I have a Wii which rhymes with squee which I'm sure is no coincidence.

Last night I did my required online bankruptcy education which is boring and generally useless except that the credit company confirmed what the bunny lawyer said, which is that using a credit company to try to manage debt is usually a bad idea and will further reduce your credit rating. I say useless because, instead of dealing with modern reality, it reinforces all the old assumptions such as creditors are eager to work with you and will not send a bill to a collections agency if you agree to make payments and uphold your end of the bargain. The 2005 law requires that you spend two hours reading this drivel, which is hard to do in over 30 minutes if English is one of your first three languages and you have an IQ rated higher than "artichoke". In order to do the mandatory 115 minutes (you need a legal degree to understand how that equates to two hours), I read a chapter, took a test, played some Wii Sports, then repeated until they took my $50 and said I've now learned how to stop spending my money on worthless crap.

If you ever have to endure this form of education, the quizzes are easy to answer if you ignore common sense and just think fluffy clouds and rainbows and puppy kisses and all that shit. For example, budgets are not based on an accurate assessment of your income and expenses, they are based on your goals. Unfortunately, I'm not making that up. They also claim that everyone's take-home pay is about 80% of their gross pay after deductions (mine is actually about 65%). I think if anyone seriously tried to use their "education" as the basis for their finances, they would quickly and cheerfully become homeless.

But it's Friday and I have a weekend of Wii exercising ahead of me, so I'll close with a J-bunny.

Miina Yoshihara, age 22 - for all you dumb rednecks who are going to claim she looks twelve.

Quick cultural note - I don't know why they named it the Wii since the wi (pronounced "we") sound doesn't naturally occur in Japanese.

Don’t Read This, part 3

Before we get into any debates (assuming anyone is even reading) about how studies show that TV and video games influence behavior vs. studies that show they don’t influence behavior, I thought I’d just look at a couple of bottom line statistics.

United States: land of morals, where we are free to worship as we choose and make sure that everyone around us knows it, country with the highest rate of incarceration in the world, where any act of violence can be toned down enough to keep a movie available for teenagers but god forbid we show them breasts, where several courts are trying to convict young teenagers as violent sex offenders for sexting (sending their boyfriend or girlfriend a nude picture via crappy cellphone camera): annual rapes reported per 100,000 are about 33.

Japan: land of bunny, a country which produces more child pornography than any other and refuses to make it completely illegal (or even to fully enforce the laws they have), where rape games have been popular for many years, a place with porn inserts in their mainstream magazines and animated films that feature tentacle rape: per capita rapes = less than 2.

Canada: country filled with hippie peacenik spawn from people who fled the US during the Vietnam War era, where they love to protest the US because they have no issues (or apparently politicians) of their own, where the moose and beaver and maple syrup roam free: per capita rapes are about 78. New motto: “Welcome to the land of SPREAD ‘EM, BITCH!”

Note – rape statistics taken from this 2002 UN report (pdf format). Country with the least rape: Saudi Arabia at 0.27 per capita. Worst: South Africa at 115.61.

I think both countries could do better to find some kind of middle ground. I think it would be ideal if we outlaw child pornography with the understanding that two kids playing doctor does not constitute a felony offense, lose the bestiality but let them make incest videos as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, and let adults play any type of video game they want with the understanding that video games are not intended to teach morals or acceptable behavior (Ultima IV requires you to follow a spiritual path in order to win, but I could still think the primary lesson taught is that it’s okay to slaughter people with medieval weaponry if I deem them evil and think they have it coming, like Scientologists). Despite my initial revulsion at the existence of perverted video games (and my lack of desire to play them), I can’t think them of them as worse than the violent games I like to play. Besides, we must strive to understand, or at least accept, our Japanese brethren / sistren because I firmly believe that their women are totally hot.

Don’t Read This, part 2

After the Japanese porn industry icked me out (not hard, since I cringe at two guys on one girl scenes), the Japanese continued their assault using video games. You know video games – harmless little diversions with Italian carpenters jumping over barrels, yellow things muching dots and fleeing ghosts, or something featuring a pleasant Sunday drive*.

Naturally, the Japanese didn’t leave it at innocuous little diversions like Grand Theft Auto. They created the dating sim genre, which involves story lines wherein the main character (you) gets to have pixilated sex (or non-pixilated in some countries) as a reward for making the right choices. I played and reviewed Kana – Little Sister, which is the touching story of a boy caring for his younger sister who faces a shortened life filled with illness. If you do the right things for her, you will get to boink her before she dies. (if you make a lot of right choices, she doesn’t die but you still have sex) The creators of that game also made another one which implies you can have sex with any female character in the game. It’s available for Western audiences, whose squeamishness was placated by promising that all characters are over eighteen (your character is 20). I looked at the cover and I have a few questions:
1. Despite the ages, why are all the main characters still in high school? Is this supposed to be retard porn?
2. Am I not supposed to be disturbed by the fact that one thinks she is a fairy and eats out of trash cans?
3. Are the hinted themes of asphyxiation, drug abuse, and snuff films part of the sex bits, or separate diversions?
4. Why is your younger sister on the roster and why, despite being labeled as eighteen, does she look more like eight or ten?


If you think a line should be drawn delineating some as harmless role-playing games and others as pedophile rapist training material, then RapeLay is nowhere near that line. In that story you play a pervert who captures and repeatedly rapes a family of women, comprised of the mother, teenaged daughter, and her younger adolescent sister. This is supposedly the most extreme game of its kind on the market, but if you think it can’t get any worse than that, then be thankful you don’t have my imagination. Trust me – it can get way worse.

Despite my initial revulsion, I’m still against most censorship in the arts (using real children in porn is way out). I’m generally in favor of balance and drawing a line somewhere on just about everything, but having seen politicians attempt to ban mainstream pornography, heavy metal music, and gay marriage, I’m more than a little leery of giving them any more say in what people need. I agree that we don’t need RapeLay, but I also don’t see a need for sugary breakfast cereals, Adam Sandler movies, Barbie Fashion Show, or religion in general. Lending credence to my fears, this article rips on RapeLay, but by the end it segues into calling for a need to bring down GTA. I'm more of a "down with those people who are down on that sort of thing" guy. Besides, I may not complain if RapeLay (and Kana) are banned from the U.S., but if you try to take my Carmageddon games from me or insist that violent video games encourage violent behavior, then I'll feed you into a burning scroll saw.

* The Carmageddon series is as close to video game porn I can imagine using – senseless graphic violence, raw horsepower, and a heavy metal soundtrack, but it’s hard to masturbate while driving stick. Still, I’ll give it a shot if the developers ever come out with an Asian schoolgirl expansion pack.

Nazi Bastards!

Amazon has dropped レイプレイ from its inventory, a Japanese fantasy game that sounds like fun for the whole family.

Warning - the Japanese link is not safe for work.

レイプレイ (or RapeLay in English) is the story of Kimura Masaya, a typical Japanese lad hung like a rhino. who engages in the Japanese national sport of groping women on trains and he is (get this) ACTUALLY ARRESTED FOR IT! Fortunately, his dad has connections, so he is released and can take a measured response to this insult, by which I mean capturing and raping the entire family* in every orifice.

Some of you xtian mommy kitty bloggers may think this crosses some invisible "line", but the game actually teaches several important moral lessons. For example, if you pray to god in the train station, he will answer your prayers with a gust of wind lifting a character's skirt. If you get a character pregnant and don't force her to have an abortion, you will be killed by a Japanese schoolgirl. And if you rape a woman and her two virgin daughters repeatedly they will eventually come to like it and become your willing slaves. Good to know.

Gameplay is simple and relies mostly on the mouse to guide the virtual hands to grab and stroke various things, which leaves your other hand free to, I don't know, write checks to the 700 club or something.

Don't allow this sort of corporate censorship to continue. Write your local politicians and police and the FBI and demand that the game be made available in America. Include photos in your letter along with graphic descriptions of what you'll be doing while playing this game (e.g. teaching abandoned puppies about Jesus).

The game is still available in Japan. Of course.

*females only - the game's not freaky or anthing

Tis the Season

For gluttony and greed. Going into the holiday weekend, I lamented the fact that my friends all had families* of their own and would be largely out of touch. Now I've experienced three wonderful days with nothing but selfish indulgence - reading, studying, exercise, TV, and food. The food was probably less exciting than what the rest of you endured (leftover Chinese, an awful turkey and dressing TV dinner, miso soup, ramen noodles), but considering I am at home resting and the rest of you are running yourselves into the ground to live up to your familial duties in the midst of jobus interruptus, I think I'm the lucky one. Ha ha haaaa, go suck it, you losers with family!

Plus which Tracy sent me some unsolicited stuff and didn't even demand sex in return, which is kind of classy. For the record, I approve of getting stuff. I got three things - a tin of wasabi gumballs (I'll try them out on sensei first), a t-shirt depicting a man lifting a woman's skirt on a train with a warning in Japanese "Beware of Perverts" (I'll wear it at a local J-elementary school and bag the little bunnies when they lean in to read the writing), and a sex doll of character Rei Ayanami from the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Since the figure is only 15cm tall (that's about 7 fluid ounces or 1.5 pound/feet of torque for you dunderheads who don't understand the metric system), it's going to be a little difficult to have sex with her, but me and my small penis will manage. BTW, there are at least three other female characters in that anime, so if someone wans to send me another, I can start having threesomes.

Darned if I'll ever figure out how Tracy discovered I have an interest in Japanese women and culture, but I don't care. This is already shaping up to be the bestest Hannukwanzaramadamasux ever. I can't wait for the next four-day weekend alone.

* by which I mean, families they don't hate and haven't carved out of their lives and that they hope are now dead or at least suffering intense pain.

I'm so manly

My blog is 92% masculine according to the Genderanalyzer. Time to scratch my virtual balls.

Tip - taken from this chik.

The classics never go out of style

Stomp the flaming bag of poo.

And, no, she is not too skinny, you feckin' thick-bodied Westerners.