You Suck

My across the way cube neighbor is awesome. He shouts "I say fleeber, you say pleeber!" then shouts "Fleeber!" and I respond "Pleeber!" and then we while away a few hours. Today I decided to kick things off and said "I say snickle, you say frickle - snickle!" but instead of "Frickle!" he responded by whimpering and crawling under his desk. Now he refuses to come out and is living off the Lifesavers and warm Coke Zeroes he has stored. I entered a liquid paper trance and sought assistance from my spirit guide, an armored kangaroo I call Captain Boingy, and he said the proper apology should involve a wooden ruler, three used napkins, four aspirin, and a staple remover, but he didn't say how to employ them and I can't reenter the spirit realm because I'm out of liquid paper. Suggestions?

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Yet another "too long for Formspring" post.

Too long for Formspring

On Sunday at church I kept shouting "Do the jalapeno!" but the preacher just gave me funny looks and other people kept shushing me. What kind of preacher doesn't take requests for dance moves? Anyway, I left early and chained the doors and set fire to the building. Fortunately nobody escaped alive and so I don't have to receive any come-uppance for the fact that the jalapeno isn't, in fact, a dance move. Now I won't be embarrassed by that awful incident and can move on with my life without even mentioning it. So I wanted to celebrate with steak or maybe ice cream, then I thought - Steakscream (patent pending). ZOMFG what could be better - the best of both worlds. You could have a hot, steaming frozen treat that is made out of meat cream and is dispensed in the shape of a star onto a waffle cone. And you could top it with things like onion and pepper sprinkles! Awesome! But then I called the patent office and they won't let my official patent number be "Mr. Fricklepants", the poop-heads. So I guess a patent isn't pending after all. So, what should I have for dinner? 'Cause Steakscream apparently isn't happening.

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In other news, today is important because it marks Mexico's attempt to steal my thunder by having a holiday just ten days before my birthday. This year, since the economy is too bad for you to buy me a bunny, go to Formspring and ask me questions and try to come up with something more original than asking about Asian women and sharting. Because Formspring will become the most valid social networking site ever and can only ruined by your personal lameness. You claim to be intelligent and creative? (I've read your blog - you do) The it's time to put up or shut up. Or maybe that's put out or shout out. I can never remember. Put in or be a dust bin?

What was your favorite thing to do during recess at school?

Smoke cigarettes.

Go away if you're easily offended

My boyfriend bought me some eggs from Wal-Mart but they won't hatch out into chickens. What am I dong wrong?

If they're made out of Cadbury, then they should hatch into bunny rabbits. Keep sitting on them.

Go away if you're easily offended

If you were able to choose the weapon of your destruction, what would you choose? And no, Bunnies are not weapons, so you can't choose death by Bunny Sex.

Double-bladed telescoping Flamesaw™. It's a little something I created using the best features of a chainsaw, flame-thrower, and Darth Maul's lightsabre. Plus I think I can mount it on a pogo stick so that when the killing spree begins I can go "boingy, boingy, boingy". Life is just more fun when you say "boingy, boingy, boingy".

Go away if you're easily offended

My sister said it's okay to take the pogo stick to church as long as I don't make the "boingy, boingy" noises as I'm heading to my pew, but that's just wrong. Who is behind this travesty - the preacher? Or is it another invisible robot clown?

My sister said it's okay to take the pogo stick to church as long as I don't make the "boingy, boingy" noises as I'm heading to my pew, but that's just wrong. Who is behind this travesty - the preacher? Or is it another invisible robot clown?

Answer here

I'm starting a death metal choir named Captain Boingy and the Boingers and Keith wants to play backup triangle but I'm afraid he doesn't have the right boingatude. Can I let him play and still maintain the integrity of whatever it is we're all about?

I'm starting a death metal choir named Captain Boingy and the Boingers and Keith wants to play backup triangle but I'm afraid he doesn't have the right boingatude. Can I let him play and still maintain the integrity of whatever it is we're all about?

Answer here

What kind of action should be paired with the sound effect "boingy boingy sproingy splat"?

What kind of action should be paired with the sound effect "boingy boingy sproingy splat"?

Answer here

I'm preparing for hard times. I hid a pop-tart under the fridge, a roll of quarters in the futon, tp in my car, three comic books and a Wii game in my cooler, a salmon patty in an air duct, and socks and underwear in my lunch pail. What am I missing?

I'm preparing for hard times. I hid a pop-tart under the fridge, a roll of quarters in the futon, tp in my car, three comic books and a Wii game in my cooler, a salmon patty in an air duct, and socks and underwear in my lunch pail. What am I missing?

Answer here