Holiday Drama

I'm lucky enough to have no family and very few friends, so I'm usually spared any extra drama around Hannukwanzaramadamas time. This year, however, reality is giving me a candy caning.

First, Deathstar hospital continued their attempts to bill me. Their latest communique states that because they are now billing me under a slightly different name, my only recourse is to pay them or petition the courts to add the new billing name to my list of debtors. Since you should never take legal advice from lawyers retained by companies trying to screw you, I turned the issue over to the law bunny. No response from anyone recently on this issue which is fine since I'm trying to cut added drama from my life (HA!), but it's nice to have this hanging over me like mistletoe made of poison ivy.

Since I only had two takers on the "who wants an xmas card from me?" dealy, I decided to kick things up a notch and go with presents instead. I tried to Amazon some cool Lego Star Wars toys to a Canadian blogger, but this is not allowed. I can only imagine it's because Canada is nearing success on their nuclear program and tiny plastic toys will give them what they need to finally invade and nuke NY city, which would be bad because there could be tourists from decent parts of America harmed as well. But screw them - I decided to ship the toys to myself, then reship them to Cannuckland, patriotism be damned. Amazon contracted one company to send these items and another company to ship these three items. FUN GUESSING GAME - guess which package got lost in the mail? Yes, you guessed it - it was the package with the three cool items.

So thus began the fun of tracking the missing package. The tracking web site simply said "delivererd". After much clicking, the only support I could get was by phone (which I hate, btw). This led to an automated system asking for my tracking number which said the package could not be tracked and that I should contact the local post office for help. Tired of dealing with the postal system, I returned to Amazon for help. Their site told me to call the postal number. After further digging, I was finally able to open a complaint via e-mail and was asked if I would like a refund or a replacement. I asked for a replacement. Apparently they lost the last Assassin Droid / Shadow Stormtrooper / Mace Windu's in existence because they said no more were available, so they went with the refund.

Now flash back to late October when my bank was overtaken by another bank. As part of the fun of transitioning I had to destroy my old debit card, activate a new one, and update all of my accounts. Shortly before the fun with the post office ordeal, I reconciled some old payments and discovered that my new account was still honoring claims against my old debit card, three of which were made to a vendor I didn't recognize. I looked for online support, discovered they only handle these issues over the phone (grr) and began the fun process of having my debit card canceled (which makes no sense because it was the previous card being charged, but they insisted it was the thing to do), living off cash for a week (which felt like touring a foreign country), and then doing all the fun activities with debit card yet again. Plus I received paperwork from them to fill out with a bunch of neat categories from which to select, none of which covers my situation, and a phone message asking that I call and talk to them again (whee). And although they honored claims against the old card they told me to destroy from the old bank, they're very efficient at not allowing refunds to their first debit card.

So, to my Canadian blogger pal, I say sorry that you will only be getting two really cheap toys that will have cost me around $50 in total payments to have some shipped to me, other toys lost in the mail, and then reship the remaining ones to you, and if you ever visit our superior nation then I will most likely attempt to kill you for your involvement in my latest round of drama.

And now I understand why people add booze to their egg nog. It's time to nog the rest of 2010 into submission.

Totally boring update

I ordered the Wii Fit Plus from Amazon today because it is $14 cheaper than Best Buy, shipping is free, and I won't have to fight my way across a crowded store before standing in the checkout line, paying taxes, and waiting for the register to spit out a receipt the length of a mortgage contract. Amazon says their estimated ship date is December 14, but they also estimated a lengthy wait that didn't occur when I bought the Wii. It's probably due to Hannukwanzaramadamasux. Who knew it would occur in December again this year?

***Update***

I forgot to mention that Amazon offered me $40 off if I got their credit card. I had one before, but I used it to pay medical bills and the account has just been closed due to my filing for bankruptcy. Next time I order from them, should I attempt to get another one? I'm not worried about misusing it, I just wonder how that will look on my credit report (especially since I haven't had my day in court yet).

Final Greetings

Thank you for your input on my introduction cards. (If you didn't contribute, may the wrath of Moovulon - hell demon dairy products - sour the milk in your next latte.) I have no prizes to give and in all likelihood I'll buy a different card the next time just to experiment, but I like the comments so keep them coming.

I am probably going to toss Card 4 instead of use it. It looked nice online, but in reality it looks cheap, which it is - it cost less than the other three from a different company. The card is uncoated and so scuffs easier than the others, plus I noticed it is slightly smaller. VistaPrint, the printer, is a Canadian outfit and so probably provided me with a metric card. Since I intend to whip it out of my pants to try to impress Japanese hotties, the last thing I need is for everyone to notice that mine is smaller. Also, they are printed on thinner card stock. The carrying case I bought from them said it should hold about 10 cards. It holds 11 of theirs or 9 of the others, so that averages out to be correct.

The other three came from Prints Made Easy. They're a little more expensive, but the printed side of the card is coated (you can still write on them, but the artwork is protected), they look more professional, and they are the standard American size instead of flaccid Canadian. Card 3 was my initial favorite, but I come packing my own creepy vibe™ and don't need any assistance from that eyeball. Card 2 is bold and memorable, but it's uglier in reality. Both are striking, but they'll be remembered for the wrong reasons. I think it's better to go with classy and understated. Card 1 is simple but elegant, and the single red dot floating in the blue dots makes me think of purity stained by blood.

Or maybe I should give each J-hottie all four and ask for feedback. "Which of these makes you want to have sex with me?"

Greetings

I ordered three more greeting cards from another company. I'll tell you the company name after I get the cards, assuming they arrive and don't look awful. They shipped via the post office (after telling me they only used UPS), but that's okay. The post office is slow but reliable. The main problem I have with them is that their online tracking system is slower than their delivery. Delivery is guaranteed for today, but the tracking data says they haven't picked up the package yet. In the past I generally got my mail up to a day before the tracking site confirmed delivery, which kind of kills the purpose of the whole thing.

Design 1 - simple:

Type 2 - bold and colorful:

Type three - geeky but slightly creepy:

Type four - the card I originally ordered:

Type five - experimental design:

Let me know which one you like apart from #5 which I only plan to employ on special occasions, such as when the chloroform takes effect.

Introduction Cards

First off – do not type “introductory card” into a search engine unless you’re looking for about a billion companies offering you a new and exciting way to get into debt. Sometimes I think our economy is based on debt. That, and suing each other.

You know how when you have a big meeting and you prepare for it – statistics, graphs, slides, speech, cyanide pills – and then you go over and over every possible flaw until you march confidently into the board room and realize that everyone has an armadillo strapped to their head and their underwear is overflowing with Jell-o and then, no matter how brilliant your presentation, you know you’ll just be remembered as the freak who showed without an armadillo strapped to your head and without Jell-o oozing from your underwear? Well, I felt that way at the JASG’s dinner when all the Japanese had some kind of business card to exchange and I didn’t. So, I ordered some cards and got them yesterday.

Fortunately, the printed versions look better. I ordered them from VistaPrint and I have no complaint except for who they used to ship: DHL. In my opinion, DHL is the worst shipping company around with the possible exceptions of UPS, FedEx, and the post office (I've had problems with them all). The only one I've seen that's worse is RPS, which I didn't include since I think they went belly-up, a move that only marginally affected their delivery times.

This time wasn't too bad. According to DHL's tracking site they left my package sitting in Michigan for a couple of days, got it here, and attempted to deliver it but nobody was home. I contacted DHL who told me my only options were to be home during business hours (they said they don't deliver on Saturday), or leave a note on my door telling them to leave it there or deliver to a neighbor. None of those are acceptible options since the only thing I know about my neighbors is that one of them stole my keys. DHL said the note left on my door would provide further instruction, but there was no note. In the meantime, VistaPrint apologized and said they would try again to actually deliver what I bought. I was home sick Monday, thinking that at least I would finally get my package, when I checked DHL's tracking site again and found that they later updated it to say they dropped it at the office six hours after saying they would attempt delivery another day.

At least I got my package. This is much better than my friend who is forced to routinely deal with them. He says his local driver delivers by stopping in the road and flinging his packages onto his driveway. It's hard to write witty stories when life stays three steps ahead of anything I can fabricate.