Wiiview - MadWorld

MadWorld is a game made for the generally family-friendly platform that is the Wii, and should not be played by anyone who is younger than 137 and has not personally participated in at least one attempted genocide. It's like playing in The Running Man, but with better acting. Pretty much everything can be used as a weapon, included toilets, just in case you get tired of relying on the chainsaw strapped to your arm (not bloody likely). The graphics are deliberately grainy to simulate a battle arena being televised commando-style, but the subtle use of color (see below) keeps the images crisp and the action easy to follow.

Note - the above image may be offensive to pussies.

In addition to a world carpeted with gore and scored to some brutal music, the voice work is handled by professional actors (it's not a coincidence that Jack, your character, sounds like Wolverine from the Hulk vs. movies), and the televisors provide a constant running commentary with their Rabelais-style wit, as evidenced by the following exchange:

Commenter #1: "Wow, that's ironic!"
Commenter #2: "What's so ironic about being ringed with a tire and then run through with a signpost?"
Commenter #1: "Did I say ironic? I meant fucking awesome!"

Challenges in some similar games are often annoying and distracting from the main action, but not here. For a break in the normal fun, you get to see how many people you can toss into a jet engine, or fight it out with a giant armored minotaur packing a double-bladed chainsaw. (Hint - grand slam to the head with a spiked bat works very well here) This is definitely a time when swinging the Wiimote to the tune of a chainsaw is way better than just rapidly pressing buttons.

The only major drawback is that the game only saves between levels, meaning you'll never get anywhere until you complete an entire level at a time. The one time I was determined to clear level one, I paused the game and sharted / rested until I had enough strength to unpause and continue, then I discovered I missed one of the challenges and was stuck at the end without the big boss appearing. I'm cutting a half bunny from the rating for that.

Final rating:


Of course, you may object to a game wherein the "plot" is just an excuse for nonstop mayhem, but if that's the case then enjoy the salad bar, commie.

Wiiview – Wii Fit Plus with Balance Board

By now your resolve to exercise more and eat healthy and shart less and quit cigarettes and booze and heroin and get a raise and convince your girlfriend to try anal sex or convince your boyfriend to stop nagging you to try anal sex might be flagging. And so, to help with the first one, I bring you my review of the Wii Fit Plus program just in time for you to be unable to buy it. Seriously – it’s sold out almost everywhere and the places that are accepting online orders say it is back ordered to the tune of two weeks. Considering it sometimes takes me a month to get things that are currently in stock, that means you should have yours in time for the Turkey and Eggnog Fest at end year when you don't care about exercise.

But don’t let your inability to actually attain one stop you from enjoying it. This is a nice exercise program. Note that I said exercise program and not game. Although it does include various cardio and balance games (and other silly stuff such as putting things on the balance board and trying to guess the weight), its primary purpose is to motivate and track exercise. If you’re looking for a program that can be fun and challenging, this could be for you. If you need to be tricked into exercising, try a sports game or an actual sport, such as competitive eating.

I got this program because I need exercise that can be customized to my reduced fitness level and that would help improve my poor balance. For instance, until recently I have been unable to close my eyes in the shower without touching the curtain rod to keep myself oriented, and I had to ask a friend to change a light bulb for me because I couldn’t look up without falling over. Thanks to Wii Fit +, I can now perform such mundane tasks with the best of them. With a little more training, I could earn a place in the Special Olympics.

In addition to tracking how fat your are and graphing your poor health (note - it does provide the opportunity to hide your weight with a password), it contains activities mostly lumped into four groups: balance games (aka games that are infuriating to me due to my poor balance), cardio activities (aka activities that are infuriating to me due to my poor balance), yoga (aka sissy liberal poofter girly activities that will kick your ass), and strength training (aka stuff that should be called more yoga but isn’t because the yoga ninja monkey masters forgot to copyright it) (I assume that’s what they’re called). Difficulty levels range from “You call that exercise?” (one activity tracks how well you can sit still) (I’m not kidding) to “Makes Superman cry.”

I did identify several shortcomings, however. It tries to set goals but only focuses on weight loss if it thinks you’re overweight, and you are – it said my ideal weight at 5’ 10” / 178 cm should be 153 lbs / 69 kg, although when I was at my ideal weight it was actually 173lbs / 78.5 kg). It allows you to add time spent during non-Fit+ workouts, but it only records information on the day entered and doesn’t include an option to automatically track time spent on other Wii programs. The female trainer-bot is a tad bitchy and makes you want to drop-kick your TV set. And the whole thing is a class-action lawsuit waiting to happen in the U.S. I think it’s funny, but not all fat people are jolly and some may get upset that the program calls them obese in a cutesy voice, makes their Mii character swell up like a balloon, and even makes sounds like they’re hurting the balance board when they step on. I’m still waiting for mine to start gasping for air while screaming “Get off! Get off! Get off!” Still, these are not major complaints, but rather opportunities for Nintendo to improve an already decent product.

Personal rating: 3.5 bunnies.

Bear in mind that my poor health makes the “games” more stressful than fun. Based on my friends’ reactions, most normal people would rate this 4+ bunnies.

Note – I’m eating a bag of Funyuns while writing this.

Wiiview - Force Unleashed

When I decided to buy another game for the Wii, I was immediately drawn to Star Wars – Force Unleashed. What’s not to like? Exercise in the form of play! Low $20 price! The Wiimote will now make the light saber noises for me! I’ll get to play a Sith Lord instead of a wussy good guy! I may get the chance to slay Jar-Jar Binks or at least some random Ewoks! The game’s initials are FU! I’ll get to use lots of exclamation points in the review!
Unfortunately, actual game play is a bit of a drag. It’s my first introduction to this type of game, the first person walk around and kill and do stuff genre, and although it sounded ideal it’s not really for me. Ironically, I've discovered I like silly but engaging activities like sports games (I say ironic because I hate sports in reality). For purposes of this review, however, my comments are specific to this title.

You start the game as Darth Vader, an excellent way to start any game (Mario Kart and solitaire could use this improvement), but the thrill ends quickly. The controls are so complex and sensitive they often left me delivering a fatal blow a meter to the right of my opponent or standing still and taking fire while I tried to remember which button is Q and if I’m supposed to jump down and turn around before I pick the bale of cotton. The point of view is from behind an opaque Sith Lord which allows enemies to hide by charging directly at you. The game frequently pauses to save your progress, but if you quit and return later then you have to restart at the beginning of the level, and I’m not yet well enough to complete an entire level without several lengthy rest breaks. When you reach the end and fight the big boss (a fairly wimpy Jedi), the camera angles change constantly (probably entertaining for onlookers, but disorienting to the player) and the game forces you to discover the closing combo move it thinks looks pretty cool before it allows the fight to end. It provides a few on-screen tips, but I wasn’t able mirror the movements quickly enough, so the game raised my opponent’s health back to 25% and made me do it again. And again. And again. And this was just to get to the prologue of the real story.

Worst of all, the Wiimote doesn’t even make light saber noises. And I only got to kill Wookies, which are more respectable opponents, but I really wanted to take out an Ewok village. If you’ve seen episode VI, you know how sickeningly cloying they are. They’re kind of like a mix of Teddy Ruxpin (remember that doll from Hell?) and what doves would be if doves weren’t so ferocious and didn’t have that terrifying beak. Plus the cover shows your character battling storm troopers. From previous games I've noticed that George Lucas doesn't like it when you play the bad guys, so he tends to turn the games into stories about the baddies fighting each other instead of suppressing the rebellion. He could refuse to make games like that, but I've never known him to let artistic integrity or moral objections get in the way of financially raping his fans.

This game is a must-have for everyone who thinks anything Star Wars related is a must-have. Otherwise, I recommend a pass.

Final score – 2 out of 5 bunnies.

Wiiview

For my initial review of the Wii, I'm focusing on the console and the accompanying game, Wii Sports. For the record, this is only my third console game ever. While the Wii is designed to be fun while tricking you into being active, the same cannot be said for my first console, the beloved Atari 2600, and its free game, Combat.

With the simple joystick and single red button, it was possible to sit and play with one hand while the other was free to masturbate and/or eat fried snacks that left orange powder on your fingers. Decades later and with large portions of the world (especially corporate America) engaged in lifestyles that keep them in front of a computer with said snacks at hand, the Japanese decided that we are all fat and smelly gaijin and we need to work off some of that flab before we all drop dead of massive coronaries around age twelve. I believe that was the initial pitch to the Nintendo board of directors.

At first, the Wiimote feels too sensitive, but it doesn't take long to overcome, assuming you don't have DT's or some kind of palsy. (as a general note, the Wii is not designed for people with serious handicaps or missing limbs) Once past that, the interface is mostly intuitive and when not the instruction manuals are reasonably easy to use. It can connect wirelessly to the Internet, or via ethernet cable with the purchase of additional equipment. (additional note - the Wii is kind of like Barbie - generally cheap but nearly useless without a million accessories) The best part about connecting your Wii to the Internet is that you can tell all your friends that you connected your Wii to the Internet, assuming you hang out with people geeky enough to care. Otherwise, the weather and shopping channels are inferior to using a desktop browser and I have no interest in online gaming.

The Sports game, however, is a perfect intro. The five games are simple to play but difficult to completely master. Bowling and golf are so low-intensity that they don't trigger shart attacks if I play, and they allow multiple players with a single Wiimote. Tennis and baseball can accommodate multiple players with extra controllers, and the games are simplified (baseball focuses only on pitching and hitting) to keep the learning curve easy. Besides, there are other titles out there for people who want the full experience of those games. The fifth game, boxing, introduces the user to the use of the attachable nunchaku (included) and is intense enough to tire healthy people.

One missed opportunity - the Wii people allow very few adult titles, which is a shame because the motion-sensitive Wiimote would be great for びしょうじょ games. You could just tuck the Wiimote into your shorts and get busy - fun, and great exercise. Wiimote wipes sold separately.

Total score: 4.5 out of 5 bunnies.

*EDIT* - I created some tiny J-bunny images to enhance my ratings system. I know she's wearing kitty ears - SHUT UP!

This is the second Sith-related shopping mall dream I've had

So, I was playing Star Wars - Force Unleashed on my Wii and then I had a dream that I was Darth Vader in a swanky boutique shop in a mall purchasing a fancy package of toffee (or was it taffy), but I left my debit card on the counter for a moment and somebody saw my name and discovered my super secret Sith identity so I had no choice but to whip out my lightsaber and kill everyone in the building. I'm not sure what the Great Magnet is trying to tell me here. Either I should take out a shopping mall, or avoid candy due to my diabetes. It's one of those.

My bankruptcy hearing is today, so if I never blog again it's because I was found guilty and am locked away in debtor's prison (I assume they still exist).