Monday, June 22, 2009

Father’s Day

This is too late to help you for this year’s Father’s Day, but hopefully it will keep you from wrecking another celebration for that special dude in your life.

I’ve noticed a tendency in our society to view the differences between men and women as a matter of right vs. wrong, and it’s always the men who are deemed wrong. The movies Old School and Juno both featured men who were not ready / capable of being in the type of relationship their wives wanted, and people criticized the men for being overgrown adolescents instead of calling the women manipulative bitches who were trying to force change on the person they supposedly loved unconditionally. Note to planet Earth - those were fictional characters you were complaining about.

The same attitude seems to surface when it comes time for celebrations and gift-giving. For Mother’s Day, I heard a lot of moaning from women about how their men mishandled the event – no card, card didn’t come with a fancy envelope, card in a fancy envelope wasn’t accompanied by flowers, gift wasn’t useless enough (note to men – never buy a woman anything that actually does something), gift not properly wrapped or boxed, card in a fancy envelope with accompanying flowers and boxed gift didn’t include dinner reservations, etc. All this whining is completely understandable – it’s the woman’s special day, she’d like to be treated in a certain way, and men who are unable or unwilling to get it right make it seem like they are dismissing the woman who bore their children.

Then comes Father’s Day, and I heard a lot of women talk about how they would show him how it’s done – card in a fancy envelope, flowers, useless gift, etc. The problem is they’re doing exactly what they said the men did wrong – not celebrating his special day in his way. Since so many women seem to be unable to understand the needs of their men, complicated creatures that they are, I have included a simple step-by-step plan to help get you through the day.

1. Get naked and stay that way.
2. Skip the fancy envelope since it’s only going to get trashed. Skip the card too unless it’s really funny or includes nude pictures. Definitely skip the flowers.
3. The gift should actually do something useful. Skip the decorative packaging. For bonus points, completely remove it from the box / bubble packaging and throw away those instructions he’ll never use.
4. Breakfast in bed, best scheduled at the crack of noon. I recommend a bowl of pulled bbq pork strapped to your head while you deliver the first of the day’s many bj’s.
5. Anal sex. Since it’s his special day, you’ll be playing defense.
6. Go to the store and rent a video with a high titty to talking ratio, preferably with lots of ‘splodey things. Japanese movies are good for mixing action with porn. Yes, I know you’re still naked.
7. Dinner should not include dressing up or even leaving the house. I recommend a slice of pizza and a six-pack strapped to your head during the evening bj.

And that’s how it’s done. If you read all that, you owe me a dollar.

Daddy wants bunny.

18 comments:

tiff said...

IDK - sounds like a grand Mother's Day too, just with the naked/bj ratio gender reversed.

Whitemist said...

I see you posted the one you would like to get the bj with. New mail in your gmail. See if I came closer to your specs.

NYD said...

I'm sending you the doctor's bill. I just finished reading this to my wife.

Forget the gift certificate. You can have her.

Hit 40 said...

You need to make some little bunnies!! They will play video games with you, bring you beer, get the mail, tell you they love you for no good reason, ...

From the list that you gave for the special day. I think I got it covered for you :0

Jay said...

Sorry, I would have read this sooner, but I was busy reading mommy blogs. You know, those blogs where under the profile some mommy tells all about being married to the perfect husband and her two world's most brilliant and perfect snowflakes, and then proceeds to trash the perfect husband every single day on her blog for being sooooo insensitive, thoughtless, clueless, and lots of other terrible things.

Anyway, screw father's day and I really like that Bunny.

Captain Dumbass said...

This should have been posted before Father's Day so it could have been shared with the world.

SJ said...

Is it nice over there in Planet Utopia?

dr.alistair said...

thankfully, i had the perfect father`s dad, spent the day with my boys, played soccer,(won 7-0) and my girlfreind did her usual "really into me" stuff until the wee hours.

we are sick, twisted people. we love eachother unconditionally, we defend eachother`s position on things, work hard, on and off the field....and talk it out on the pillow each night.

and tiff, it works gender reversed as well, baby....as long as she`s ok inside.

Martini said...

Your plans sound correct. I cannot find any flaws in it. So, why do women ignore/disregard the wishes of so many men on Father's day?

GreenJello said...

We went to Dizzyland on Father's Day. And then drove 12 hours. How's that for a fun-filled day?

dr.alistair said...

martini. there is a disconnect between men and women...and it`s very profitable for a small group of bureaucrats.

occasionally a man and a woman can see past it for long enough to find happiness.

occasionally.

dr.alistair said...

and for the rest there is the conditional love of being nice...if the garbage is put out, or if the gift is wrapped properly and a card is included....and only then is there going to be happiness.

i call that a hostage-taking.

i do dishes or put garbage out...not in the faint hope that there might be some reward in it...but because it needs to go the fuck out.

i painted the kitchen on father`s day, not for a resentful blowjob from a miserable old woman, but because the kitchen needed to be painted and my girlfriend pulled 80 hours last week and needed to chill with her daughter for a bit.

we are both grateful for eachother before the fact.

what comes after is good too.

the reward is that i found her and she found me.

and we both forget to do dishes or put garbage out becaue we are tearing into eachother or talking or walking or having a drink or watching billy connolly on youtube....

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Now see? That would also make a perfect Mother's Day - as tiff pointed out with the naked/bj ratio gender reversed. ;)

Grant said...

tiff - let me know how that goes next year.

whitemist - actually, this bunny offering is probably my least favorite. The one I used today (6/24/09), which I also used twice before, is becoming a new favorite.

nyd - mmm...slightly used bunny.

hit 40 - if I make them, they will only be half bunny.

jay - father's day is good if I can use it as an excuse to post more bunny.

cda - but I posted it early enough to be used for next father's day.

sj - we prefer to call it Bunnyland.

dr. - I still think you should parlay taking out the trash into anal sex.

martini - I think many women view their way of celebrating as the correct way and do that instead of thinking about what their husbands would prefer.

greenjello - I definitely would have hated the drive.

stacy - let's call for a do-over for both days this year.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm thinking of sending this to my girl and re-titling it for my birthday.

Excellent ideas. Especially the BBQ.

April said...

All men should rise UP and fight off these evil bitches who want to rule Father's Day like it's their own!!!

Amen.

Kathy B! said...

I'm with tiff... I'd take that for mother's day! I'd just like some steak thrown in instead of the pizza...!

dr.alistair said...

when i rise up the last thing i want to do is fight evil bitches.

and i really don`t want something up my ass for putting the garbage out.