For no reason

Shows I thought I'd hate but actually loved:

Babylon 5
Why I thought I'd hate it: "Great, another space station show." Where I lived at the time, it aired on the same channel immediately after Star Trek: Deep Space 9, one of my three least favorite ST franchises.
Why I liked it instead: good acting (amongst the regulars - the extras sometimes stunk), excellent writing, an actual story arc instead of just stand-alone episodes, and *gasp* social and political conflicts that were not neatly resolved by the end of an hour, minus commercials. Plus the special effects were awesome for a TV show at the time.

Veronica Mars
Why I thought I'd hate it: for some reason, I thought it was a 30 minute girly teenie sitcom.
Why I liked it instead: everything I thought about it was so far off it applies equally to The Shield, Jeopardy and Monday Night Football with as much accuracy. The show was an hour-long edgy PI thingy with a lot of overtones of class discrimination, only set mostly at school starring the cute bunny-sized non-bunny Kristen Bell.

Dexter
Why I thought I'd hate it: shows and movies never live up to the books upon which they're based.
Why I liked it instead: the writing in the show is actually better. The titular character is less consistent than in the book, but I think the change was a good idea and necessary to make the character interesting enough to carry a series and palatable for the general public. In the show, he refers to himself as a monster but demonstrates he is capable of caring and growing emotionally. In the book, he is defined by his inability to do those things. Note - the first book and first season are somewhat similar for about the first half, then diverge and go in completely separate directions so you can enjoy both without one being a retread of the other.

Sons of Anarchy
Why I thought I'd hate it: while lying in a hospital bed for a week, I saw the same commercial for this show over and over and Over and OVER and OVER!!! And the dialog, taken out of context, sounded like horrible drivel being delivered by people reading cue cards (poorly).
Why I liked it instead: for some reason I watched an actual episode. AWESOME! It's funny and touching and violent, the dialog is great, and yes, one character does have a very wooden way of speaking, but you realize it fits his personality when you see an entire episode and not the same two lines of dialog spoken at you 37,124 times per day as you lay in an uncomfortable sick bed waiting for the next needle stick.

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Shows I thought I'd love but actually hated:

Arrested Development
Why I thought I'd like it: edgy comedy showcasing bad people doing bad things. Recommended for people who enjoyed Better Off Ted.
Why I disliked it instead: the core of the plot revolves around around a monumentally dysfunctional family. I've lived that for about 35 years and then partially extricated myself (although you will never, ever, ever run out of people wanting to know more about your family who will feel prompted to field another thousand questions when you say "we're estranged" or something else conveying that the subject is uncomfortable to you and you'd rather move on), and the topic always annoys me to the point that I can't appreciate whatever else it has to offer.

Six Feet Under
Why I thought I'd like it: lots of recommendations and comparisons to other shows I like.
Why I disliked it instead: see Arrested Development above. Also, very well written and acted but otherwise nothing like the other shows I like.

Glee
Why I thought I'd like it: good word of mouth and promises that it was filled with wacky.
Why I disliked it instead: actually I'm on the fence about this one. It didn't provide the level of wacky I'd heard, but the main thing was that it's the only show I've ever watched that made me feel like I would have appreciated it 25 years ago but now I'm just too old to "get it" or care that I don't. After digging Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Veronica Mars, Zim the Invader and Justice League Unlimited, that was an unexpected reaction. I think I'll give the second disc a try to see how it goes.

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As usual, if your opinion differs from mine then it's proof I am the superior being and Jesus will pop out your eyes and skull fuck you in the afterlife

Stuff pt. ni

From SJ: 2. What's the best book you've ever read?

Hearts in Atlantis by Stephen King is my personal all-time favorite. It has some references to his Dark Tower series, but is fine as a stand-alone work. It is really five stories: one short novel, three novellas, and a short story. It is written in three distinctly different tones and jumps from character to character between stories, but the war in Vietnam is a common thread among them. Another common theme is the impact of the group on individual behavior. This all sounds like it would make a good primer for a writing class, and it would (it breaks every rule espoused by writing groups while creating fantastic tales), but its real strength is that it is a gripping human drama. I was enthralled in the tales involving a boy’s first kiss, neighborhood bullies, dorm life in college, etc. The next book I read was Black Hawk Down. Despite the gunfire and RPG’s and black hawks going down, it was a dreary slog after HiA.

Honorable mentions – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy for breaking another major rule that humor and sci-fi should never mix, and the Conan series written by the original writer Robert E. Howard for getting me into books in the first place (our schools did everything they could to discourage reading and writing).
Note – if you are trying to judge Hearts in Atlantis by the movie, you are a moron who would claim to be an oenophile because you once drank Welch’s grape juice as a kid. The movie is a bastardized version pulled from parts one and five of the book, neither of which is the titular story.

Game Review

Warning – some spoilers follow. If you’re planning to play Kana – Little Sister, you may want to skip this post. Also you’re a pervert.

Actually, it’s something of a misnomer to label it a game. Mood music and still images fill the background while the foreground is populated with text. You read the text, click to proceed, and occasionally make choices that determine the outcome of the story. It’s like a graphic version of the Choose Your Own Adventure books, but with incest. Unlike the CYOA series, the story does not feel like a veiled attempt at a morality parable since you have to boff your sister in order to save her life. Below is a SFW screen capture:

As well as one seriously NSFW.

Kind of like regular porn, I liked everything about it except the part where they have sex. The story is an involving one about two siblings, a brother two years older than a sister who is facing renal failure and most likely an early demise. It explores themes of life and death, living life to the fullest, and how the disadvantaged frequently cherish the experiences that you and I take for granted (actually, more like you).

In a way, the game doesn’t deliver on what it seems to offer, although to be fair the description on the packaging doesn’t guarantee you a chance to have sex with your underaged sister. It’s a びしょうじょ game, which technically means “beautiful girl” but is often a reference to girls under the age of consent. The story starts in childhood when your character is ten and she is eight, but the sex comes (if at all) only after she turns eighteen and you learn that she is adopted. At first I thought the setup might anger some since it fails to deliver the incest / lolly combo hinted in the product description and I thought it seemed that by backing off the taboos the writer seemed like he new the words but didn’t understand the music, but now I think it was a clever way to get the story past the pesky Western censors. Kana isn’t underaged, but she looks like she is because her illness has prevented her from developing, except for her boobs (natch). She’s not really your sister, she was just raised that way. She’s intellectually mature, but easily frightened and emotionally retarded, and outside of occupying a hospital bed she’s experienced as much life as the average six year-old. If having sex with her doesn’t fill your weekly perversion quota, you need to lay off the humans and go for barnyard sex videos. Anyone who knows a good place to find those can leave a link in the comments section.

Overall, I’ll give it 4.5 stars out of 5. The story is moving but there were a couple of inconsistencies as well as some Engrish that makes it unintentionally funny at times. Plus no option for anal sex. The short clipped sentences were a little jarring at first, but they are ideal for this kind of graphic delivery so once I got used to the rhythm I was able to enjoy the prose. Other than the sex parts, which could be removed without seriously altering the story, I’d label it a must-read.

Still Alive-ish

The few of you who actually care about me have been asking for an update on my health (the rest of you have earned the Voodou wrath of Zorzan™). All I can say for sure at this point is that A) the hospital has taken back all their equipment except the stitches in my neck so I’m off the dreaded antibiotics, 2) sleeping and cooking and moving around and masturbating and showering is much easier when you’re not attached to things, especially drainage tubes that come out the back of your neck and latch onto your pillows before sending you scurrying to the toilet for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night, and III) I’m not quite dead yet.

I am currently enjoying the little things in life, like farting. For the last month, since the hospital got their claws (actually IV’s) in me, I’ve had nonstop 24/7 diarrhea even when I didn’t eat for several days, however that’s possible. (Insert “So, you really are full of shit” joke here) That meant any time I awoke in the middle of the night and felt like I had gas, I knew I had to immediately get to the bathroom with all my equipment because, if I tried to let it out, I would have to wash my shorts and sheets and I would need a shower, which I couldn’t really take because I was not allowed to get my dressings, catheter, or IV pump wet. Now I can gas at will. I’m saving it for an elevator. I can also shower every part of my body, which is ironic now that I no longer have the urge to soil myself.

I’ve been asleep for most of the time since I left work early yesterday at noon, and for the first time in nearly two months I have a little bit of energy. I have nothing to do with it, having no plans or available non-virtual friends, so I’ll probably spend the weekend in bed reading the remaining 800 pages of Gai-Jin. If my strength holds and I awake in time, I may go get some Chinese takeout tomorrow so I can see my favorite Chinese waitress. She hasn’t seen me since I fell ill and I’m eager to continue our romance, by which I mean learn her name. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, pray to your various deities, burn incense, and/or sacrifice something for my good fortune. If I fail, it will be your fault. Did I mention the dreaded Voodou wrath of Zorzan™.

UPDATE - I slept through lunch. Curse you all.

Totally Coherent Literary Review

My review of Joseph Heller’s Catch-22

I went to Joe’s blog today because some anonymous commenter claims he fools around (and if you can’t trust a blogger unwilling to even create a fake bloggy ID, who can you trust?) but he has yet to offer me anal sex. His latest post deals with secrets and he asked the bloggysphere to share with him, so I told about the time I created a fundamentalist religion in the Middle East revolving around burning human feces, but that wasn’t much of a revelation because I’m sure you’ve all made the same assumption about me, my personality (or lack thereof) being what it is.

Which brings me to Catch-22, a wonderful novel written by an American author who sounds British. It is set in the military during WWII and is supposed to be satire, except that to me it reads like the daily events in military life (albeit funnier) although supposedly none of it ever happened. I suspect Heller just published his memoirs as fiction because nobody would accept it as truth.

That’s the problem with writing satire – you have to pull off a balancing act, and a lot of that depends on your audience. The trick is to create a story that is comically over the top and yet close enough to reality so that it is not wholly unbelievable. Unfortunately, there is no safe point at which to aim. What some people will find ridiculously unbelievable, others will find tame compared to their actual life. With Catch-22, I fall far into the second category, which explains why I’m such a good fit for Corporate America.

I recommend Catch-22 as a fun read and for social commentary, but depending on the life you’ve lead it may sound ludicrous, tame, or anything in-between. In me, it invokes nostalgia and longing for a time I totally hated, a piece of my life simultaneously better and worse than now for exactly the same reasons. I’m no longer required to burn feces as part of my job. On the other hand, if I try to form a new religion in my cubicle, it could be viewed as out of the ordinary. I'd go on about the flaming shit religion, but this post is getting long and I'm sure you'd all find it rather boring.

And the story of Major Major Major Major’s upbringing was both funny and sad. It reminded me of my own childhood, but without a lot of the funny. It’s why I made such a good infantryman / database administrator.

Crazy Eights

Metalmom tagged me and I obey. I had nothing to post anyway - I've been too busy to think of anything but databases, and some may think I’ve already posted too many pictures of hot Japanese women (as if that’s possible).

8 things I’m passionate about – books (mostly fiction), writing (mostly checks), death, Japan, extreme movies, heavy metal music, recycling, and hot Asian women (preferably 日本の兎).

8 things I want to do before I die – hot Asian women, learn Japanese (日本語), get another story published, blow up a packed church (I’ve got my eye on a local group of Scientologists), visit Japan, patent my invention the FlameSaw™, get laid without paying for it, and become immortal.

8 things I often say –
Logically, I should do the same to you.
Kill everyone in the name of Satan. (sung to the tune of Skip to my Lou)(you think I’m kidding)
Bunny!
You’re going to burn in Hell…so, let’s dance!
ベットのしたにたこがいます。
Yeah, that’s right, I farted – and I’ll do it again.
You’re doomed…doomed…definitely…doomed.
日本の兎は　セクスを　しませんか。

8 books I’ve read recently
Hearts in Atlantis – Stephen King (read it)
The Children's Story (but Not Just for Children) – James Clavell (read it)
Black Hawk Down – some guy (skip it)
Tarzan of the Apes – Edgar Rice Burroughs
HP VII – Rowling
Freaky Deaky – Elmore Leonard
Trail of the Spanish Bit – Don Coldsmith (yeah, I read Westerns)
The Quantum Rose – Catherine Asaro (yeah, I read romance)

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
Love to Hate – Slayer
God Send Death – Slayer
Cowboys from Hell – Pantera
Sex. Murder. Art – Slayer
Battery – Metallica
O Holy Night – Nat King Cole
Angel of Death – Slayer
Return to Oz – The Scissor Sisters

8 things that attract me to my best friends – their inability to grok my creepy vibe™, my evility, and my super ability to pick up a check. Nothing else – most people revile me on site.

8 people I think should do Crazy 8s – I don’t tag, but if you want a meme, knock yourself out. At least it’s nice and short. What’s with all the 50+ meme questions these days anyway?

Unpaid Critic

Last weekend I began to read His Dark Materials, a trilogy billed as the Satanic version of Lord of the Rings. I’ve heard a lot about the author’s brilliance, that it is a classic in Britain, and also how it attacks god or religion or something and it should never be allowed to fall into the hands of our children because this book will have more effect on them than years of parenting and will force them to grow up to become Atheist serial killing abortionist Democrat anti-American poo-poo heads, or even worse – independent thinkers. So far I have no complaints. Then I actually started reading the book.

I wonder why nobody ever said the book is BORING! Does the LitCrit establishment love it too much to allow that kind of comment? I feel very comfortable in saying that there are a lot of great ideas and imagination in here, unfortunately forced to serve limp writing and plodding plot devices that could make the story of 9/11 sound like a mechanic’s report on plane failure. (“Plane fall down. Building fall down. This is bad. Lengthy description of the English countryside to follow.”) I think the primary problem is that the lead character is a young girl operating in a fantasy world that, much like reality, doesn’t allow a young girl to do much of significance. Instead of a point of view dominated by children (like Harry Potter), we get to follow the non-adventures of a girl who not only misses the adventures of others, but only gets to eavesdrop or talk about the after briefing. The Three Musketeers? Great entertainment. Hearing great-grandfather D'Artagnan regale you with summarized tales of his youth? Not so much. “Don’t worry, children, I survived.”

I skipped ahead and discovered three things. 1) She finally begins to do stuff about halfway through the first book, which is too much of a setup for any return. 2) I had no problem following the story even though I only read about half of the pages, which is not a good sign. 3) I didn’t care. I keep hoping I’ll turn the page and read that everyone was massacred by chainsaw-wielding Giant Atomic Chickens™ and that the rest of the pages will contain outlines for me to trace and color in, but that probably won’t happen. I may keep reading now that some almost interesting things are happening, but for now I’m switching to some reliable entertainment – 外人.