Time to Unite the Nation

I thought I would take a moment this morning to bring us all back together as Americans, be you democrat, republican, libertarian, or even Eskimo (but not religious fundamentalists, because you guys are scary and should move to the Middle East). And as patriotic Americans, I think we can all agree that what unites us, what has been the one shining example of quality American know-how and can-do throughout the decades, is our ability to bomb people.

If you look at our history, you’ll notice we used to exclusively bomb white people – mostly classy Eurotrash. Then in WWII we tired of our racist policies and switched to yellow people. After Vietnam, we escalated to light brown people (Grenada, Panama) and have now moved on to medium brown (Afghanistan, Iraq). The logical progression would be to next invade Pakistan, and some of the saber-rattling has indeed indicated that could be our next step. I believe that’s why we didn’t interfere with Darfur – we’re not scheduled to bomb black for a couple of decades. But as an American who is supposedly part Cherokee, I protest the fact that we went from yellow to brown and completely skipped red.

According to studies I’ve red, Native Americans are the most marginalized racial group in our society with the highest rates of suicide, divorce, poverty, drug and alcohol addiction, and unemployment. This is exactly why I think our next strike should be against the Cherokee nation. History has shown that being bombed by us is good for the economy, and I for one am sick of all our economic aid (read: bombs) being used for the benefits of foreigners who, by definition, reside outside of the U.S. Who did we bomb the worst? Japan. Who has the world’s biggest economy outside of America (natch)? Japan. Number two in both cases? Germany. That’s why Vietnam’s economy has been improving, but they are not yet a world powerhouse. They showed a lack of insight by asking us to leave before we bombed them into economic fruition. I’m assuming that’s how the war ended since no American would ever be anything less than a gracious visitor to a foreign land.

So, we all need to pull together and eliminate Oklahoma, the new capitol of the Cherokee nation. Two reasons for this – 1) it’s Oklahoma, and who’s going to miss it? (okay, a few Oklahomans might get a bit prickly, but otherwise…) 2) It would be the ultimate act of concession. Instead of simply handing over bits of land to be used for casinos, we blast the red man into wealth and power. And no wussy atomic bombs this time, either. Americans deserve only the best. I’m talking mass drivers in outer space flinging porpoises with frickin’ laser beams strapped to their heads with a hundred pounds of plastique in their bellies. The new state motto will be “Oklahoma – Bunnyland’s Pothole” (the name will make sense in a few). Once my people have all been destroyed, we’ll be on top again.

Since this is my idea, I will of course be Head Honcho (my official title). The country will be known as the United States of Bunny. (The title USoB came to me as a flash of genius this morning when I cut some loud dude off in traffic) Despite the title, government will make no laws which regulate personal relationships, restrict or encourage religious beliefs, or that favor one race or sex over the other. Exception – any hot Asian women who sleep with me will receive an automatic head honcho pardon.

Hot J-bunny: “I just murdered my husband. And the other thirty-eight guests at our dinner party. And Iowa.”
Me: “Quick – get naked! If I don’t penetrate you before the authorities arrive, you could get into trouble.”

You know I’m right.