More Words

Meme continues. W00t.

Day #4: Favorite Adventure – Raiders of the Lost Ark. That movie is just raw fun.

Day #10: Biggest Let-Down – Batman (the 80’s Tim Burton one). I say letdown because of all the hype that surrounded it. It was the first movie I ever saw advertised for a full year before it hit theaters. Shirts and posters were sold, songs were sung, the news occasionally gave them some extra free advertising, etc. And then we saw the film. While we all agreed that it wasn’t bad, it was just that no film could have lived up to that much advance press.

Day #18: Movie You Can Watch On Loop – The Dark Knight, especially any scene with Heath Ledger. Close second – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, especially any scene with Hunter S. Thomson on drugs.

Day #16: Favorite Movie Based On A Book – also Fear and Loathing. Least favorite – Where the Buffalo Roam. If you like Hunter S. Thomson and see that movie, you’ll be disappointed. If you’re unfamiliar with his work, you’ll likely be confused.

31 Movies

Stolen from Avitable, the meme master. View his inferior responses here.

This is supposed to be a 31 days of movies thing, but I'm going to do it my way and condense it into a shorter series of posts. Further note that I'm tired and overworked and over-sharted and so my answers may not be entirely coherent, much like a lot of my recent e-mails. And I won't bother going in order. And I don't promise to do them all. Fuck off if any of this is an issue. But I do promise to intersperse my words with random pictures of bunny. I'm not entirely cruel.

Example of random bunny.

Day #2: Least Favorite Movie – Manos: the Hands of Fate. This movie fails to rise to the level of trash. It’s not so bad that it’s good – it’s so bad that it’s boring. It’s an exercise in sheer incompetence made for about twelve cents. The MST3K guys tried to lampoon it, but the running joke was that there wasn’t enough at which to poke fun. Close runner-up: Chaos. It’s torture porn that often inspires anger in the viewers due to the unrealistically stupid actions the characters take.

Day #11: First Movie You Saw In Theaters – Star Wars. That’s a hell of a first experience for a seven year old kid who had never even heard of science fiction. It’s been all downhill ever since.

Day #12: The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – it was so good I don’t remember. Last ones I saw that stuck with me – Inception and Salt.

Day #30: Favorite Re-Make – 3:10 to Yuma. It’s a rare example of a remake I appreciated more than the original.

Movie Reviews

Growing up, I was blessed with a variety of nice friends who had the ability to describe and critically deconstruct a movie on a level somewhere between “rock” and “turnip”. Based upon their enthusiastic descriptions I had no desire to watch a single movie they recommended. Following are three totally serious examples of movies I never wanted see and the basic description that drove me away.

Star Wars – a bunch of guys fight each other with flashlights. They do have guns, but those also shoot harmless beams of light. The villain has a stupidly simplistic name – The Dark Invader. (note – fortunately my parents dragged me to this one over my objections)

The Terminator – three people beam down to Earth from an orbiting spaceship and go on a totally random killing spree. One of them takes out a police station and doesn’t die from all the gunshot wounds despite being completely human. The woman on his team flashes boobies.

Tron – OMG OMG OMG the special effects are like watching a video game! Plot? What does that mean?

Based on those experiences, I have decided to review a few movies of my own to save you the trouble of watching them. I figure I can do at least as well as my friends just by reading the titles, so here goes.

Battle: Los Angeles – a serious drama about the problems faced by Thai immigrants (played by an Indian cast) trying to survive in the icy wasteland that is the slums of Madrid. Shot on location in Haiti. Based on a script by Francois Rabelais and directed by Takashi Miike. Can you say “Oscar”? (if no, you’re a morron you looser)

Scream 4 – since the title doesn’t say what we’re screaming for, I have to conclude that this fresh and original indie film will be a quirky rom-com starring Ricky Gervais and Kevin James. Watch for the wackiness to ensue when their burgeoning relationship is waylaid by a flying cow. Includes a cameo by Buster Keaton.

Fast Five – the Fantastic Four finally succeed in their efforts to enlist the She-Hulk and get a complete makeover, including a new team name that’s 20% less gay. Despite the addition of a hot green chick, expect this one to suck on Silver Surfer levels since they didn’t have the guts to leave Jessica Alba dead during the last one.

X-Men: First Class – the X-Men try to fly to LA, but are waylaid when Wolverine is unable to get past a metal detector. Wackiness ensues as he guts several snarky stewardesses. By way of apology, the entire group is upgraded to first class.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – a hirsute maker of vases is traumatized when he encounters yet another part of some deathly hallows, and is forced to admit he doesn’t know what a hallow is. Starring Will Smith and one or more of the Hansen brothers.

And now you can save your ticket money and spend it on beer.

By popular request

I'll stop wording at you and make with the bunny.

Kyouko Hasegawa, 32 yo J-bunny. She played the surviving adult twin in the awesome Three... Extremes. WATCH IT NOW!!!

Note to self - Mexico is not in Japan

This week I took went to Mexico without leaving my neighborhood. I started by watching Machete, a decent film but not one of Robert Rodriguez's best. Pros - Danny Trejo finally gets a leading role and Jessica Alba gets more naked than ever. Cons - Linsay Lohan looks rough and Jessica Alba. It's a great film to inflict on rednecks who believe America's biggest issue is that we don't have a giant wall across the border keeping the Mexicans out. In this film the illegals are portrayed as heroes and the redneck vigilantes are the heavies. Wrapped tightly inside of a lot of scantily-clad gun-toting babes and stylized violence are some realistic views of the issues, such as how the white might right proselytize securing our borders but gain the most from exploiting illegals for cheap labor.

Example of typical Mexican waitress - this becomes relevant below.

Then I had dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I had a taco because I had to have a taco (you know the urge), and a tamale because a friend of mine plied me with homemade tamales and I wanted to see how standard restaurant fare compared to ones homemade from scratch. The restaurant was still good, but it's like trying to appreciate a Whopper as the next meal after you've eaten prime rib. The wait staff was friendly and hard-working, but we suffered from some difficulty in understanding each other. The kitchen lady brought the food to our table, hands in oven mitts, and repeatedly announced "Tori!" Being the cool international man of mystery that I am, I eventually remembered that tori is foreign for chicken and directed her to my companion. That caused the waiter to come over and tell her to switch the plates because she actually said "Thirty", the number of my plate. At that point I remembered that tori does mean chicken, but in Japanese. Tiny hot women with dark hair and exotic accents bringing me food in my life usually = bunny, so I'm sure you understand the mixup. I'm sure they all had a great laugh at that and did not at all spit in any of our refills. Although I wouldn't mind if the spitter looked like Michelle Rodriguez, because I would definitely swap spit with her.

Example of typical bunny waitress - note the similarities.

Quick, Spoiler-Free Review of Toy Story 3

Pixar hasn't made a bad film, although the quality of their films varies from good (A Bug's Life) to great (Wall-E) to something more extraordinary (Up). Toy Story 3 is merely good. Despite the G rating, some younger children may be traumatized by certain scenes, as evidenced by the number of screaming children who had to be slowly herded from the theater. Contains a few bonus jokes about Ken's lack of masculinity to ensure the kids are developing an appropriate sense of homophobia.

Quick, Spoiler-Free J-movie Review (plus medical updates and stuff)

Cutie Honey - a live action version of the manga and anime about a cute crime-fighting ninja who can change outfits by shouting "Honey Flash" in Engrish (Hah-nee furasho!)

Don't bother. It left me feeling like this:
I went to my regular doctor yesterday and he gave me a quick verbal examination, noted that all of my symptoms are now under control (as much as possible), updated my prescriptions with refills to last a full year, and then sent me on my way - no scheduled return visits and no more specialists to see. This is the first time since May 2008 that I haven't been under some form of healthcare. Needless to say, I was thrilled:

In other news, every company that knows I exist has been sending me e-mails suggesting that their product or service would make an excellent Father's Day gift. Although NetFlix could make a good gift (except that the last time I saw my parents they were resisting the evils of the Internet and DVDs), I'm not so sure if my gym should be on that list. "Happy Father's Day, you lazy fat bastard!"

Medical Fun, Part the Latest

So I went to the local eye care salon / dental clinic / cemetery and had my eye exam. The doctor and staff all seemed competent, and the news wasn't as disastrous as I feared. ("Check again - are you SURE you're not blind?") My eyesight will never again be what it once was, but corrective lenses should put an end to my need for sonar (I steer by turning the car when I hear the horn echo off buildings or people). I got a nice set of frames made by Harley-Davidson that should go well with my coat and boots, and now the only missing accessory I need is the actual motorcycle. The cost was reasonable, although more than half of my bill was due to the optional Teflon coating. I got it because they said it would help my night driving, then I later heard from a friend that the coating is supposed to protect the lenses from scratching. Does anybody have any knowledge of / experience with coated vs. uncoated lenses? Does it actually help anything, or is it just like the undercoating from the car dealership that has no real function except to inflate the price? Should I get one coated lens and one uncoated so I can drive around alternating eyes to see the difference? Will the Teflon make them cop killer glasses that can fry eggs without any sticky residue?

MEDICAL LIE OF THE DAY: "These eye drops will not affect your ability to drive." HA HA HA HA HA that was a good one. You know how, just for fun, you like to rub your eyes until they feel swollen and scratchy and tear over, then tape your eyelids back and stare at the sun? If that condition doesn't affect your driving, then kindly get your car out of my living room. I only had to drive about a mile home, but it was a scary ride.

Fortunately a friend drove us to dinner and a movie. We ate Korean, which was more exotic than I would have liked, plus the menu was difficult to read because it was blurry and over-exposed. I thought tiny Korean women would be just as hot as the Japanese, but it turns out they're all blurry and over-exposed as well. As is their food. Then we saw Iron Man 2 on the IMAX screen, which was nice but was not as great of an IMAX film as I had hoped because they didn't make full use of the IMAX format, the movie was fun but not quite up to the standards of the first one, there was more high-flying daytime action in the first one (perfect for IMAX), and the beginning of the film was blurry and over-exposed. By the second half, though, the director learned a thing or two and it looked much better.

Naturally, at the end of my visit, I had to schedule more visits with the optometrist and other eye guys. I wish dating was as easy. "Of course I'll go out with you again. Let's schedule three more dates right now! And here are some of my friends who would like to blow you too."

Example of someone not involved in my healthcare in any way:

Brief Spoiler-Free Patriotic Movie Reviews

The Red Shoes
A lackluster gorefest from Korea without even a single Asian booblet to offset the muddled plot. The shoes are actually pink.

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Whiteout
A boring "thriller" featuring parka-clad hotties and Tom Skerritt looking more like Kris Kristofferson.

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The Blue Kite
Slow paced drama about the suckage involved when a right-wing military movement overtakes your country. No Asian booblets. The kite is actually blue, though.

Zombie Review

Short and largely spoiler-free reviews of some recently viewed zombie movies.

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#1: Zombieland

Funny and over the top gory, although the movie poster's promise of a chainsaw is unfulfilled. Loads of creative zombie wasting. Basically a zombie road-trip movie showing how much fun the world could be if the vast majority of the population was reduced to slavering pop-up targets. Includes a cameo by a ghostbuster. Rating:

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#2: Zombie Strippers

A decent blood and titty flick, the sort of thing the Japanese excel in and probably would have done better. The humor ranges from mostly crude and sophomoric to occasional biting satire to (more often) just plain silly. Worth a look if you're a fan of doctored boobs or Robert Englund. Rating:

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#3: 28 Weeks Later

A solid film, one that demonstrates that the world will not be a lot of fun if the vast majority of the population was reduced to slavering pop-up targets. Unlike what the poster says, not better than the original. The plot involves the usual heavy-handed military dictator vs. the touchy-feely types, but I found myself sympathizing with the army. When London's living population has been reduced to 15,000, you don't go easy on a second wave of zombies. Includes Jeremy Renner playing another soldier. Rating:

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#4: Shaun of the Dead

A great romantic comedy with the added awesome that is zombies, although it takes the main characters a while to notice. The only one of the four that sticks with the original vision of zombies being slow, but they're still dangerous due to cramped quarters and the protagonists not being the brightest hammers on the bookshelf. Fans of the BBC series Spaced will appreciate the in-jokes but may not like the fact that the female lead from that show has been reduced to a minor supporting role since she doesn't have big tits or fake blond hair.

Quick movie reviews, plus other stuff and bunny

In the Name of the Father: story set in the mid 70's in England. When the government decides the normal laws are insufficient to deal with the threat of terrorism, the laws are relaxed for anything deemed terrort-related. This leads to several innocent people being accused of a bombing and then being tortured until they confess and go to prison. Fortunately, we are Americans and learn from the mistakes of others, so that could never happen here. Four bunnies.

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Anvil! The Story of Anvil: a documentary about a Canadian heavy metal band considered an early influence by major groups like Metallica, Guns-n-Roses, and Motorhead, except that fame never happened for them. It's like This Is Spinal Tap (true fact - their drummer is named Robb Reiner), except not as funny because it's happening to real people. For example, the lead guitarist took vacation time away from his job delivering lunches to schools in order to go on a European tour in which one club tried to pay in goulash because the band was late and which ended at a metal festival that drew a capacity crowd of 187. At the end, the band self-produced their 13th album (no record company would touch it), sent demos to all corners of the Earth, and received an invitation to play at a festival in Tokyo. When they arrived, they found they were slated to open the festival at 11:30 AM. On the way to the stage, the lead guitarist mused about how it was devastating to get your hopes up only to go on stage to be met with the sight of five people in the audience. Fortunately, it ends on an up note. On the way to the stage, the sound of an enormous crowd can be heard. They didn't say how many, but the venue could seat 20,000 and none of the crowd shots showed any available room. Bonus sight - hot Japanese women in French maid outfits chanting the band's name, at least as best they could in a language that doesn't have short vowels, v's or l's. And so the day was saved, thanks to the hotness that is Japanese woman. As usual. Four bunnies.

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Waltz with Bashir: an animated film that is seriously not filled with cute talking animals and aimed at 6 year old kids. It follows a former Israeli soldier as he attempts to piece together what happened during a blank spot in his memory during the Lebanese war. It unfolds as a series of interviews with other witnesses, including conflicting memories, and leads to the remembrance of the massacre of citizens in Palestinian refugee camps by a Christian militia while the Israelis watched and did nothing. Animation was a good way to deliver the story as it allows you to focus more on the underlying issues of the atrocity rather than special effects needed to simulate bombs and bullets. The end is jarring as the movie abruptly stops and switches to news footage of crying survivors and piles of fly-covered bodies. Four and a half bunnies.

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Red, White, Black and Blue: lackluster documentary about a forgotten battle in WWII, when American troops fought in a frozen hell for 19 days to remove Japanese troops who had landed on Attu island, the furthest of the Alaskan islands. Yes - in 1942 Japan actually landed troops on American soil, but news of the battle was suppressed to keep the public from hearing. One item of interest was that in the 80's the Japanese government built and donated a monument honoring the dead from both sides. Younger soldiers appreciated the gesture, while surviving members of the battle were driven to tears because the fallen Japanese were also honored. Two bunnies because the material deserved to be in a better made documentary.

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I wouldn't presume to judge the survivors for hanging on to their hatred - by all accounts the fighting was as fierce as that on Iwo Jima except that they received no awards or recognition afterward since the location was politically inconvenient. I count myself lucky in the way things played out for me. The first three years of my time in the military was spent training to fight Russia. All of the propaganda was anti-Russia, from government TV / radio ads to crude hand-drawn posters on the wall saying "Ivan is watching you train!" And then we went to the middle east. The effect was like "THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! Let's go to Kuwait." Iraq was considered a half-assed ally at the time (kind of an enemy of an enemy is your friend thing), so nobody harbored any resentment against their soldiers. The Attu documentary included several interviews with survivors laughing about how they shot the Japanese who tried to surrender. In my case, I remember other soldiers reminding me to remove the MRE's containing pork products before feeding the prisoners.

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Bunny!