Photo Blog

For a long time, I wanted to share some old photos I had from my pre-digital days, but I never owned a scanner. Then I bought a new printer with built-in scanner and I forgot that I wanted to scan my old photos. While scanning the latest batch of medical bills to e-mail to my lawyer*, I remembered and went to collect the old photos. Unfortunately they were in my briefcase which has now been converted to the bankruptcy paperwork storage bin and I couldn't find them. Finally, I did a full search and discovered they were in the coffin. Since a lot of you are traveling and on holiday with family this week, I'll save the ultra macho soldier pics until next week. For now, here are two from the pile of photos I have saved (click to embiggen).

This is a really nice shot of a dolphin I took in the 80's (if you look closely, you'll notice that it has poofy hair and leg warmers):

And this is the contents of a typical soldier's refrigerator in Germany, away from family and the fundie-inspired liquor laws of the US:

* It's been a year since I filed for bankruptcy and, yes, the rotten hospital is still trying to collect

The Great Light Beer Challenge of 2010

Many doctors have given me permission to stop trying to get healthier and start relaxing and enjoying my remaining years, but old habits die hard. According to the doctors and Web MD, they strongly recommend you do / do not mix alcohol and diabetes because the effects will definitely / possibly cause your blood sugars to spike / plummet / remain unaffected, two of which could kill you, and most of the doctors agree that is bad. However, on one topic they do agree, and that is if you are a beer drinker, you should be a light beer drinker.

I've never been a big fan of light beer because I think, if you're going to drink beer, it might as well have a little taste and booze in it. If I carelessly run out of the German beers I like, I'm forced to fall back on the Coors Light I keep for people who don't like my normal stuff, and there's just no beer in that beer. To me, most mainstream American beers taste like fermented sewage anyway. But when I saw that Sam Adams Light was on sale (still more expensive than my regular brands), I thought maybe what I needed was a better class of light beer and so I bought a twelve pack.

Since I never know how my body is going to react to anything new, I save all trials for Saturday night after I've had a day of rest, but don't have to get up early for work the next day. So last Saturday I performed my normal ritual, namely sitting in front of my computer with a beer while playing Dragon Age. I can honestly say the Sam Adams Light did not taste bad. In fact, it barely had any taste at all. It had all the flavor of a rice cake, or maybe liquid cardboard. But I had paid for it and it was drinkable, so I focused on my game.

I have a strict formula for determining the number of beers I need to get tipsy and kill the pain while still staying lucid enough to fight evil monsters effectively, which is x-1, where x represents the point where I make a careless remark, embark on a gay relationship with an elf, and then get myself and my companions killed. With my Warsteiner (330ml, or about 11.2 oz each), that number is precisely "about three". (yes, I know I'm a light-weight drinker) So, I played DA and managed to kill the right people and have sex with the right people, and I went to bed feeling okay and not really sure about the whole light beer thing but still willing to try another brand in the future.

Sunday I awoke after 1 PM with the worst hangover I've had since I was young and healthy enough to handle them, then I spent the rest of day in bed (and still feel sick today). When I felt well enough, I checked the rinsed-out empties to see what X-1 had equaled, and found it was nine. NINE! I couldn't handle nine beers at once when I was in the Army and rampant alcoholism was considered manly.

So, to recap: I paid more for this beer, drank three times as much, probably consumed more calories, felt no drunker during the evening, felt much sicker the day after, and to top it off the stuff tasted like watered-down seltzer.

So ends the great light beer challenge of 2010.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter B

Granthain is almost here, and if you're wondering what to get the guy who has less than nothing, may I recommend Beautiful Big-Boobied Bunnies with Beer:

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And, thanks Be to Jay for more evidence of Japanese superiority by alerting me to Japanese Boob lasers. Definitely check out the video clip.

Atlanta ni Super Fun Wow Bunnybunnybunnymatsuri 2010

Nobody else named the event, so I stepped up to the plate. On Sunday, May 2 at 6:00 PM, Avitable will be in town and available for wining and dining and questioning by the authorities. Hanging with him will be local bloggers such as myself, Muskrat, and other people I haven't met and hope turn out to be hot Asian chicks. We will be dining at Rathbun's, followed by boozing at Krog Wine Bar, followed by a wild drunken orgy at my place, the Bunnyranch. If you're around or don't mind traveling, we'd love to have you for some light conversation, hand jobs, and devil worship (I assume). Let one of us know if you can attend so we can make all the necessary reservations. For the dress code, I recommend the following appearance:

This is also acceptable.

I have things to say but no time to say them

So, here's a meme stolen from Tracy:

If I were a month I’d be October

If I were a day I’d be Thursday

If I were a time of day I’d be 22:37

If I were a font I’d be Wingdings

If I were a sea animal I’d be a coelacanth

If I were a direction I’d be up

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a divan

If I were a liquid I’d be booze

If I were a gemstone I’d be an emerald

If I were a tree I’d be petrified

If I were a tool I’d be a dick

If I were a flower I’d be a Venus flytrap

If I were an element of weather I’d be a taifun

If I were a musical instrument I’d be a chainsaw

If I were a color I’d be emerald green

If I were an emotion I’d be discombobulated

If I were a fruit I’d be a really huge banana

If I were a sound I’d be a locomotive hitting a glass cow that is slipping on bologna while smoking a hookah full of bees

If I were an element I’d be unobtainium

If I were a car I’d be a 1969 classic Mustang

If I were a food I’d be gyoza

If I were a place I’d be Tokyo

If I were a material I’d be chain mail

If I were a taste I’d be miso

If I were a scent I’d be shart

If I were a body part I’d be a lower lip

If I were a song I’d be By Demons Be Driven by Pantera

If I were a bird I’d be a penguin

If I were a gift I’d be a vibrator in Asia

If I were a city I’d have already answered this one

If I were a door I’d be a trap

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Harley-Davidson engineer boots

If I were a poem I’d be Ars Poetica, by whoever wrote Ars Poetica

Japanese technology making the world better

And now - space beer.

Happy Halloween

Please remember that any form of Halloween celebration, including imparting good wishes or reading this blog post, counts as devil worship. All hail His Satanic Majesty, our Lord Lucifer. I go now to celebrate His magnificence with the sacrificial six pack of beer. In closing - goth bunny!

Superhero, part II

Would you rather have?

Telekinesis (moving things with your mind) or Telepathy (reading minds)?
Thanks to the Internet and the bloggysphere, I already know what random strangers think of me. That’s why I ditched all of the big brother tools, like things that allow you track who is reading and linking to your site. I got tired of thinking “hey, a new blogpal” only to discover people were secretly posting what they thought of me based on my blog (apparently I’m retarded and stalking various people by leaving an occasional blog comment). I have no further desire to learn what anyone around me really thinks. On the other hand, being able to sit in my cubicle and appear to work while I drop things on my coworkers’ heads would be a real morale booster for me. Plus, I would practice unhooking bras with my mind.

X-ray Vision or Super Hearing?
Although I love the sounds boobs make, I think I would prefer to see them.

Ability to Burn Things or Ability to Freeze Things?
Pyrokinesis (the ability to light and control fires with the mind) would definitely be at the top of any list I made wishing for super powers. Freezing stuff would come in handy if my beer got warm, but it’s no substitute for being able to set people ablaze. “You want to talk to me about Scientology? I SET YOU ON FIRE!” Unfortunately, I would be easy to trace. Just follow the charred corpses of slow commuters from my doorstep to my cubicle.

Magic or Psychic?
I'm assuming psychic in this case means predicting the future. Other than manning a booth at a carnival, it seems pretty useless. Have you ever imagined how difficult it would be to convince someone to change their course of action because you claimed to have had a psychic vision? Magic, on the other hand, could actually make things happen, like pulling this C-bunny from a hat.

Invulnerability or Invisibility?

Invulnerability, just because it means I wouldn’t be susceptible to the various plagues my body is currently hosting. I’m assuming invulnerable includes disease as well as bullets and trains.

Ability to See into the Past or Ability to See into the Future?
I have the ability to see into the past. It’s called “memory”. But if I could see into the future I could do amazing things, like see whether or not I liked a movie so I’ll know if I should save the cost of the ticket. Also, I could rack up on gambling. And I could look at women and see if I would go to jail for raping them, or beat the rap. And I would see if drugs would land me in rehab, or if I’d get away with indulging. “Look – it’s Gambling Crack-Whore Didn’t See Speed Racer Man!”

Shapechanging or Phasing (the ability to move through solid objects)?
Shapechanging, so I could take on the form of a guy half my age with twice the penis. Or I could just assume the shape of a Japanese schoolgirl and stay home molesting myself.

Shapechanging or Invisibility?

Shapechanging. If I wanted to be invisible, I could always take on the form of something tiny or commonplace. Would you immediately notice an extra book or pile of papers in your office? I would, but that’s only because I already possess the super power of office organization.

Phasing or Invisibility?
Phasing, so that I can more easily make it to the toilet when it’s an emergency. Also, that would be a cool way to undress. “You’re in the mood, J-baby? I’M NAKED!”

Phasing or Invulnerability?
Phasing is a kind of invulnerability since you can’t be hit while phased, but since it’s not always on I would still be susceptible to disease. Any defense against sharting wins automatically, so invulnerability it is.

Create Illusions or Shapechanging?
Illusions are fun, but not real. If you try to attack me by creating the illusion of an assault vampire chocolate pie, I’ll turn into a real rhino and ram the hell out of you.

I warned you this was long. Stay tuned for part III.

888 is the new 666

On this most unholy of days (08/08/08), my illness has firmly moved into a new phase which I call the "I know I'm gettin' better because it hurts so much" bit. I'm past having to sleep fifteen hours a day, but my bones and muscles ache constantly due to months of inactivity. I haven't worked a full 40 hour week since May 9, not that sitting in a cubicle requires much activity, but I barely have the energy to manage that. I have found two things that bring relief, other than the brief moments I can stay unconscious.

1) Exercise. This relieves some of the pain for a short while, although it forces me to use my atrophied muscles to expend the little energy I have. I won't tell you how many pushups I can do, but if you can't count them all on your fingers then you took too many shop classes (and, yes, I am doing them girly-style). I can walk a whole quarter of a mile now as long as I don't put the treadmill on an incline. Starting next week I plan to start using the stairs instead of the elevator again in the hopes that one day I will become so rugged and manly that I can stand without wincing. Go me! Ultra-mega-studmuffin.

2) Booze. I'm not big on wine and beer messed with my stomach while I was on antibiotics, so Wednesday night I did shots of Ancient Age with Diet Dr. Pepper chasers (I'm still watching the sugars while I heal). Problem solved! All the pain went away, I felt better than I had since getting sick, and I slept through the night without interruption. And then I woke up. Problem unsolved! All the pain returned and it brought a massive hangover along for fun. Since getting ill I've neglected my exercise, Japanese studies, and boozing. I could cope with the alcohol in my system if I did it more, but this occasional drinking bites.

So, I have to choose - become a gym rat or a raging alcoholic? Can I do both? Does anybody know a buff drunk? Would my Chinese honeybunny prefer me sweaty or swilled (I'll smell either way)?

Modified Plans

Last night I planned to visit the object of my affection but I wasn't able to stay conscious long enough for dinner. Come to think of it, I haven't managed dinner in about a week. My daily routine is wake up, force myself to have some tea and/or miso soup, go to work if necessary, then come home and collapse. Repeat until dead.

I did get out of bed around 11 PM because the mix of nausea and pain was too much to sleep through, so I dined on a cup of tea with a side shot of whiskey. The results were predictable - increased nausea with less pain - almost a wash, but I managed to sleep again until morning. This morning I awoke and felt better than I had since before I got sick, a feeling that lasted until I got out of bed and realized I wanted to be back in bed. Instead I'm at work, somewhat busy and already exhausted. Hopefully I can manage dinner tonight, but I'm not counting on it.

Also, some further notes on my beloved Chinese bunny. She's the cashier, not a waitress, so I only get to talk to her when placing a to-go order or paying for same. She always wears beige or cream and looks very plain. Her accent makes her sound a bit nasal, but in an upbeat way. I love her dearly. Once, when I had an injured hand, she held and caressed it. Her hands are very soft. With lulck she's facing deportation and will have to marry me out of desperation. It may not be romantic, but I'll be thrilled if it works. Odds are I won't have the energy to visit her until this Sunday, so keep the advice coming or I'll visit your blogs and comment with nasty words and links to pictures of penises, unless you like that sort of thing, in which case I'll leave bible quotes.

Happy Booze Day, Everybody

Today we commemorate the day Saint Patrick freed the beer from the lions by wearing green. It just so happens that the next shirt in my queue was green, so I am in compliance. Here's wishing you a heavily inebriated yet relatively vomit-free holiday. Be the merry!

Random Tuesday

It's 火曜日 and rather than bore you with work notes (THE CAF IS OUT OF MOUNTAIN DEW - MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYEES MUST DIE!!!) I thought I would try to accommodate some of your requests.

From Avitable: Which do you find the most frightening and why – a radically fundamentalist Christian, a moderate Muslim, a pretentious atheist, or a Scientologist?

I always find fundamentalists more frightening than anything short of a Giant Atomic Chicken™. When have you ever heard of an Atheist suicide bombing or a Satanic abortion clinic shooting? In high school, a group of rednecks bragged about doing a drive-by shooting on a house full of devil worshippers. Turns out it was just an abandoned house with 666 spray-painted at the base of the driveway, but it’s the thought that counts. I’m sure Jebus is up in heaven thinking about how he’s so happy he died for them.

For SSC and MetalMom: about my weekend.

We had fun. Kira and her husband and cat think no anal sex was involved, but that’s just because I convinced them that the wine I brought has a chloroform-y aftertaste and studies have shown it makes one’s butt sore. We visited a one-room Cherokee museum and I bought a book called “Cherokee Cookin’” – yes, they actually dropped the “g” from the printed title. Did I mention I was in South Carolina? We watched Babette’s Feast because her wussy pre-teen children and couldn’t handle Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (great masturbation material). Mostly it was a weekend of good food – Kira cooked a lot and I got to take home cookies, braised beef, and some potato dishes, so I’m spending a week eating Western foods. I treated us to dinner at the Melting Pot, a great place for fondue if you’re into that sort of thing, and apparently I am. It was my first fondue experience, and it reminded me of doing すきやき or しゃぶしゃぶ where you cook it at the table. Kira thinks she got the better end of the deal (cooking vs. paying for a semi-expensive dinner), but she’s wrong.

P.S. I bought a Lipton Green Tea with Citrus from the caf since there is no Mountain Dew. Bleah. Green tea should not be cold or sweetened, although you'll be glad to know they made this grog without adding any actual fruit juice. At least I opened up a spot which may one day be filled with Mountain Dew.

Weekend

This weekend I will be away visiting fellow blogger Kira. I'm anticipating a weekend of food and booze and anal sex and movies and fresh children to eat. I will be out of contact with the rest of the world, so if you have an emergency, HA HA HA HA HAAAA TAKE IT BITCHES. Normal blogging will resume next week, by which I mean I'll probably be too busy again to do anything other than post a couple of short notes about how I'm too busy to do anything other than post a short note about how busy I am. So, I'll leave you with a pleasant thought.