Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Superhero, part II

Would you rather have?

Telekinesis (moving things with your mind) or Telepathy (reading minds)?
Thanks to the Internet and the bloggysphere, I already know what random strangers think of me. That’s why I ditched all of the big brother tools, like things that allow you track who is reading and linking to your site. I got tired of thinking “hey, a new blogpal” only to discover people were secretly posting what they thought of me based on my blog (apparently I’m retarded and stalking various people by leaving an occasional blog comment). I have no further desire to learn what anyone around me really thinks. On the other hand, being able to sit in my cubicle and appear to work while I drop things on my coworkers’ heads would be a real morale booster for me. Plus, I would practice unhooking bras with my mind.

X-ray Vision or Super Hearing?
Although I love the sounds boobs make, I think I would prefer to see them.

Ability to Burn Things or Ability to Freeze Things?
Pyrokinesis (the ability to light and control fires with the mind) would definitely be at the top of any list I made wishing for super powers. Freezing stuff would come in handy if my beer got warm, but it’s no substitute for being able to set people ablaze. “You want to talk to me about Scientology? I SET YOU ON FIRE!” Unfortunately, I would be easy to trace. Just follow the charred corpses of slow commuters from my doorstep to my cubicle.

Magic or Psychic?
I'm assuming psychic in this case means predicting the future. Other than manning a booth at a carnival, it seems pretty useless. Have you ever imagined how difficult it would be to convince someone to change their course of action because you claimed to have had a psychic vision? Magic, on the other hand, could actually make things happen, like pulling this C-bunny from a hat.


Invulnerability or Invisibility?
Invulnerability, just because it means I wouldn’t be susceptible to the various plagues my body is currently hosting. I’m assuming invulnerable includes disease as well as bullets and trains.

Ability to See into the Past or Ability to See into the Future?
I have the ability to see into the past. It’s called “memory”. But if I could see into the future I could do amazing things, like see whether or not I liked a movie so I’ll know if I should save the cost of the ticket. Also, I could rack up on gambling. And I could look at women and see if I would go to jail for raping them, or beat the rap. And I would see if drugs would land me in rehab, or if I’d get away with indulging. “Look – it’s Gambling Crack-Whore Didn’t See Speed Racer Man!”

Shapechanging or Phasing (the ability to move through solid objects)?
Shapechanging, so I could take on the form of a guy half my age with twice the penis. Or I could just assume the shape of a Japanese schoolgirl and stay home molesting myself.


Shapechanging or Invisibility?
Shapechanging. If I wanted to be invisible, I could always take on the form of something tiny or commonplace. Would you immediately notice an extra book or pile of papers in your office? I would, but that’s only because I already possess the super power of office organization.

Phasing or Invisibility?
Phasing, so that I can more easily make it to the toilet when it’s an emergency. Also, that would be a cool way to undress. “You’re in the mood, J-baby? I’M NAKED!”

Phasing or Invulnerability?
Phasing is a kind of invulnerability since you can’t be hit while phased, but since it’s not always on I would still be susceptible to disease. Any defense against sharting wins automatically, so invulnerability it is.

Create Illusions or Shapechanging?
Illusions are fun, but not real. If you try to attack me by creating the illusion of an assault vampire chocolate pie, I’ll turn into a real rhino and ram the hell out of you.

I warned you this was long. Stay tuned for part III.


Tracy Lynn said...

Wait, you AREN'T stalking me? How disappointing.

Leesa said...

You put way too much thought into superpowers.

Kira said...

Hah. You don't like the sound of breasts nor do you like breasts. That's why you like J-bunnies ;)

tiff said...

If only I knew what Phasing was...

Avitable said...

1. Telepathy - I'd much prefer being to able to read minds than move things with my mind.

2. X-ray Vision - who wants to hear things well?

3. Freeze - think about Iceman - he can use it to make things and create ice slides!

4. Magic. Who would choose psychic?

5. Invulnerability - duh.

6. Future. Once again, duh. Lottery, sports gambling, stocks - makes total sense.

7. Shapechanging. Your reasoning makes sense.

8. Shapechanging - same as you.

9. Invisibility - it has useful and perverted purposes!

10. Invulnerability - Phasing kind of sucks.

11. Shapechanging - making illusions is something I can do in Photoshop.

Matt said...

Wow. This whole superhero thing is rather involved. I'm going to have to take another stab at my career ambitions if it's going to be this much work.

Circe said...

You aren't stalking us? Crap. *dejected look*

I always thought being invisible sometimes would be fun but I'm not sure I want to hear some conversations that might put me in a poor light. Or walk in on something very uncomfortable to see.

I'll take the disease-free one, which I have forgotten which one that was. Chemo brain, ya know.

NYD said...

If you keep daydreaming about super powers then you'll never get off your butt and actually nail a J-bunny.

You and Avitable have much in common. Will have to see if he keeps any bunnies around.

Monogram Queen said...

Hey you are welcome to stalk me anytime. There - I said it!
I like these questions but they require WAY too much thought for me so early in the morning so i'll just enjoy your post for what it is!

Anonymous said...

But... I like having good stalkers. You're not crazy, believe it or not you aren't in my world anyhow, and you're really funny and sweet and gooey in the middle :-)

Breasts don't sound so good slapping knees, just ask my ex girlfriend ;-)

Grant said...

tracy - I stopped when I discovered that you aren't Japanese and that Avitable lives closer to me.

leesa - it only seems that way because of my hyper intelligence.

kira - I love breasts, but I appreciate the delicate subtlety of Asian breasts over their gaudy oversized American counterparts.

tiff - it's the ability to pass through solid objects.

avi - phasing would be better if you could externalize it. Then the chikan could bump into schoolgirls on the train and, whoops, all her clothes would be in a pile on the floor.

matt - all this work and it's not over yet.

circe - the problem with invisibility is that nobody can see you to go around.

nyd - hopefully my cubicle's proximity to the microwave will allow me to develop super bunny powers. I already have bunny sense - it tingles when one is near.

mq - you need to develop super caffeinated powers.

sam - I much prefer the rustle and sigh they make when being put into a bra, or preferably when being freed.