Monday, February 21, 2011

Movie Reviews

Growing up, I was blessed with a variety of nice friends who had the ability to describe and critically deconstruct a movie on a level somewhere between “rock” and “turnip”. Based upon their enthusiastic descriptions I had no desire to watch a single movie they recommended. Following are three totally serious examples of movies I never wanted see and the basic description that drove me away.

Star Wars – a bunch of guys fight each other with flashlights. They do have guns, but those also shoot harmless beams of light. The villain has a stupidly simplistic name – The Dark Invader. (note – fortunately my parents dragged me to this one over my objections)

The Terminator – three people beam down to Earth from an orbiting spaceship and go on a totally random killing spree. One of them takes out a police station and doesn’t die from all the gunshot wounds despite being completely human. The woman on his team flashes boobies.

Tron – OMG OMG OMG the special effects are like watching a video game! Plot? What does that mean?

Based on those experiences, I have decided to review a few movies of my own to save you the trouble of watching them. I figure I can do at least as well as my friends just by reading the titles, so here goes.

Battle: Los Angeles – a serious drama about the problems faced by Thai immigrants (played by an Indian cast) trying to survive in the icy wasteland that is the slums of Madrid. Shot on location in Haiti. Based on a script by Francois Rabelais and directed by Takashi Miike. Can you say “Oscar”? (if no, you’re a morron you looser)

Scream 4 – since the title doesn’t say what we’re screaming for, I have to conclude that this fresh and original indie film will be a quirky rom-com starring Ricky Gervais and Kevin James. Watch for the wackiness to ensue when their burgeoning relationship is waylaid by a flying cow. Includes a cameo by Buster Keaton.

Fast Five – the Fantastic Four finally succeed in their efforts to enlist the She-Hulk and get a complete makeover, including a new team name that’s 20% less gay. Despite the addition of a hot green chick, expect this one to suck on Silver Surfer levels since they didn’t have the guts to leave Jessica Alba dead during the last one.

X-Men: First Class – the X-Men try to fly to LA, but are waylaid when Wolverine is unable to get past a metal detector. Wackiness ensues as he guts several snarky stewardesses. By way of apology, the entire group is upgraded to first class.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – a hirsute maker of vases is traumatized when he encounters yet another part of some deathly hallows, and is forced to admit he doesn’t know what a hallow is. Starring Will Smith and one or more of the Hansen brothers.

And now you can save your ticket money and spend it on beer.


Jay said...

Most of those are movies nobody has ever heard of anyway.

PAMO said...

You are definitely ready for Hollywood with your power of description. And think how much time you'll save never having to actually watch one of them!

SJ said...

Thanks for the beer.

Maundering mutterer said...

I just used to read the MAD satires - yours are pretty good though :)

Avitable said...

I'm just going to call you Ebert.

db grin said...

phewf! thanks!

Ricardo said...