Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The A after the Q's

Rather than pad out the comments section, I decided to turn this into yet another post. Yes, I’m cheating again.

At 4/03/2006 4:11 PM, april said...
What do you consider to be your biggest accomplishment?

Part of me wants to say getting my mother out of my life. It’s definitely the best and most important thing I’ve done for myself. However, I think I’ll change your question slightly (I can do that) and tell you my favorite accomplishment, which was the first time I got published (in print, not in an e-format). Not only was that a big accomplishment for me and a necessary step forward in pursuing a career as a writer, I loved receiving a copy of the magazine with my name on the cover and the editors review of why he liked my story and an accompanying picture drawn by a skilled artist. That was the most fun I’ve ever had with my pants on (assuming they were).

At 4/03/2006 8:50 PM, Kira said...
Since you seem to go to liberal commie schools, what's your educational background?

Due to my parents’ divorce and the breakup of the phone company where my mother worked, I moved a lot while growing up. I started in Louisville, KY then went to a small town (pop – 600) in KY, then to places in TN, then Nashville, TN, then the suburbs of Nashville, then Birmingham, AL – public schools, the lot of them, with class sizes ranging from less than twenty per grade to several hundred. Then there was the military (training is sort of an education, although infantry training isn’t highly cerebral), wherein I took some correspondence courses in Germany, although those were mostly dealing with military tactics. Back in the states (Texas) I completed a certification for programming, which is about as useful as dehydrated water. I took a paralegal course, then went to community college (my high school grades were mostly non-existent) and got escorted out by security for something I wrote, so I went to UA (University of Alabama – your joke here), got transferred to Atlanta and finished my bachelor’s degree at DeVry.

I’ve lost count of all the moves, but I’ve attended at least 20 different schools and have always had at least one instructor who openly hated America and always viewed the U.S. as being in the wrong on every single current or historical event. “Pearl Harbor? We forced them to bomb us, just because we selfishly wouldn’t sell them war materials.” On the other hand, the few patriotic teachers I’ve met seemed very restrained in voicing their opinions, as if being a WWII vet was a thing to be ashamed of in the academic environment.

At 4/04/2006 3:56 AM, aka fatty said...
whats wrong with your brain?

My brain is fine. It’s the rest of the world that needs an attitude adjustment. If everyone thought like me, the planet wouldn’t be facing such problems like overpopulation and rampant assholery. The death penalty would serve for most offenses, especially poor driving skills and lack of manners.

Actually, I guess I’m a product of defective genetics and a lousy childhood, but I don’t like to whine about that because it’s pointless and counter-productive. Or maybe I’m just gleefully and unapologetically evil.

will you hate me for asking that?

Nope. I’m surprised I don’t get questions like that more often.

will you be my side-kick when i take over the world?

The side-kick is always shorter than the hero, so unless you’re taller than 178 cm, you’ll have to be my side-kick. Except I’m not planning to take over the world – I’m more into destroying it. You can have it after I raze the planet to its core.

At 4/04/2006 8:02 AM, BlueBolt said...
How old were you when you lost your virginity? How old was she? Where were you (car, her parents lounge etc)?

I was a late bloomer at nineteen, although I had been lying about it for a few years at that point just to survive the school locker rooms. Remember my vibe – all women seem to sense my inherent evility and avoid me like the plague. My first time was in Germany, the red light district of Frankfurt, in a whorehouse. I don’t know how old she was – probably late twenties. It was all very romantic, what with the fully lit room and the mattress on the floor and her taking a phone call during sex and rushing me out, but at least I got off and she didn’t charge full price (40 dm, marked down from 50).

At 4/04/2006 8:34 AM, PBS said...
What made you the man you are today?

See aka Fatty’s question above. To add to that, I think all the moving (see Kira’s question above) added to matters. I was more outgoing and sociable as a child, but the frequent moves (sometimes more than one per year) and constant hazing at new schools led me to being more introverted and psychotic.

At 4/04/2006 9:15 AM, Joe said...
How did you develop your fascination with all things Asian?

It was a three-pronged attack. A year ago, when I was first toying with the idea of learning a foreign language, I was leaning towards German since I like the country overall and I already knew a few words from being there and committing crimes against humanity. Asia was completely off my radar at that time. Then I saw a few anime movies (most notably Miyazaki’s Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away), and later added J-horror to the list of things I watched based on a friend’s recommendation. Ichi the Killer, a Takashi Miike film based on a popular manga, was particularly shocking and engrossing and I highly recommend it for everybody.

But the thing that really clinched it was when I met my Ninja Usagi Haisha (bunny dentist). I hadn’t really paid much attention to Asian women before – they were a nearly non-existent minority everywhere I’ve lived but Atlanta – but the first time I saw her, I literally did a double take. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen; when I talked to her, I just fell further in love. She is, at a conservative estimate, absolutely perfect in every conceivable way. Often I wonder if she would be impressed with me if I offered to blow myself up as a show of love. Of course, that could mess up some of her lovely dental work.

After that, I started noticing how attractive the Asian women are and I eventually signed up for Japanese lessons because I now have more of a desire to visit Tokyo rather than return to Europe, where there may still be a bounty on my head.

True usagi notes – last night I went to Umezono for dinner. Normally whenever a patron enters the restaurant, all the waitress-usagi shout a chorus of “Irasshaimase” which is a welcome that retailers use; when you leave, they shout “Thank you veddy maaach” in their adorable tones. When I entered and left, it was to the sounds of total silence. They hate me.

Today I brought my leftovers in and ate them at my desk with chopsticks. I purposefully timed it so the office-usagi would see and maybe be impressed and want to have sex with me. She walked by twice without ever giving me a second glance, or a first one for that matter. She hates me.

At 4/04/2006 10:03 AM, Stacy the Peanut Queen said...
Besides ruling the world with your evil ass self and amassing a harem of beautiful Asian women to have and ravish at your beck and call, what do you feel is your calling in life?

Definitely my writing. I’ve been wrestling with it on and off my whole life, but I’ve always held myself back with doubts before. I used to post a lot about the craft and struggles with writing, but I got tired of talking about it and decided to focus more time on doing it. Unfortunately, I am extremely slow. I’ve only written about thirty short stories and I’m finishing the manuscript on my third novel, which may sound impressive but would make people like Stephen King laugh so hard that evil would shoot out of his nose.

At 4/04/2006 11:04 AM, pink said...
Are you planning to go and live in Asia with all those Asian hotties?

I’d like to visit, but I really do like America and don’t plan to live anywhere else. I might slip a few J-usagi into my suitcase and bring them back.

When did you last have sex?

A very long time ago. Remember the vibe and that there are no legal whorehouses in Georgia. Now, enough with the questions about me getting laid.

Was she Japanese?
No, the closest relation I’ve had with any woman of Asian descent is paying my dentist to hurt me. All the rest hate me on sight.

Are you planning to write a book about your life ?
No, I only write fiction. I can’t imagine why anybody would want to read about my life. You people are obviously bored.

At 4/04/2006 12:05 PM, Leesa said...
grant: have you ever had a blogger stalker on your site? what would she have to do to really make you uncomfortable? I have access to silver crosses, Holy water, Donny Osmond albums.

Silver crosses and holy water are fun toys, but I’m going to have to stop you at the Osmond albums. Besides, everybody knows the devil has the best tunes.

I did actually have an online friendship that soured and had to be ended. She was nice, but began to obsess about me a little and sent notes asking that I censor what I write. Later she thought my posts were actually veiled insults aimed at her, so I finally asked that we sever contact. She moved on after a few comments and e-mails and, to date, I have not been brutally murdered.

At 4/04/2006 12:06 PM, Rick said...
Does Satan wear sunglasses?

As his representative on this world (Earth), I am authorized to say that he does and he prefers Gargoyles over Ray Bans if you’re getting him a gift.


BBB_0202020 said...

I just watched memoirs of a geisha and loved t, have u ever seen it?

Anonymous said...


I get the feeling you don't really like Asian women; I think that you like the IDEA of Asian women.

Anonymous said...

damn you and your 178cm!!! but hey, i'm asian, i could just gather up some asian hotties and have you at my beck and call...

hehe - i'm just joshing babe, i don't think theres anything wrong with your brain, you are, after all - a man.

Tai said...

Do I have time to ask a question?

Grant said...

tigerkiss - haven't seen it yet, but I plan to. I've heard it's visually striking, but not an accurate portrayal of the times or culture.

high desert diva - no, I think I want the real thing. I just think Asian women (especially my dentist) are pretty - I don't believe the cultural stereotype that they're all submissive and privy to some sex secrets we round-eyes don't know.

aka fatty - sorry, but I can't legally be at your beck and call until your next birthday. See you and your pals then.

tai - you just did. Again.

Nobius said...

But what I really wanted to know is how did you get such great hair?


Wendy C. said...

Hi Grant - first time reader here - and it looks like anything I say that's stupid is fair game for a butt-kicking :-) But I am wondering...
you mention Asia, Asian women, love-for-all-things-Asian....do you have a specific region in mind when you say "Asian" Is it only Japan? Asian-Pacific Islands?...China? Just curious...

Take care

ManNMotion said...

So you're that guy at Umezono...

BTW, I'm looking for a new dentist, thanks for the recommendation.

Anonymous said...

um australia. age of consent is 16 here... americans are prudes.

Weary Hag said...

Well I sho'nuff wish I could have gotten in on this little post. Day late and about a thousand bucks short ... that's MY vibe.

Interesting stuff here, Grant.

I would have asked what you are most disturbed about with regards to your writing. (NOTE: I am not criticizing your writing ... we are all our OWN worst critics. I'm just curious what it is you wish you could change or 'fix' most about yours)

Joe said...

Well played, Grant. Well played indeed.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Thirty short stories is extremley slow???

Oh man...I am one lame writer!

pink said...

You had some interesting answers and whats wrong with Donny Osmond? LOL

Grant said...

nobius - it's due to my strict regimen of beer and violence.

wendy c - with regards to the women, since I'm only talking about the appearance (almond-shaped eyes, dark and shiny hair, etc.) it applies to all Oriental women. As for the culture, I'm mostly interested in Japan, but I do enjoy some movies from China and Korea as well.

mannmotion - tell her I said Hi. And that I love her.

aka fatty - it is our prudishness that gives us such nervous energy and allows us to rule the world. Yes, that's right - W wouldn't have invaded Iraq if he was getting his noodle dipped on a more regular basis. Ladies, remember that before you turn one of us down in the future. No BJ = war.

weary hag - actually, I like my writing since it's an extension of myself, although I wish both could be a little funnier and edgier. Mostly I wish I didn't have so many issues with facing the white space so I could be more productive.

joe - thanks.

pq - as compared to Joe R. Lansdale, my 2nd favorite writer, who wrote 30 in one month, yes - 30 over a period of years is slow for me.

pink - the Osmonds are just lame. Remember that the devil has the best tunes and you'll understand why Mormons do not a good rock group make.

Melissa said...

I always think of Elmore Leonard when I read you.

Kerry said...

Wowza. You are a little psycho, but i really enjoy it. ;)
You should write a book about your life. I'd read it... lol... you really do write well.

I feel guilty about moving my kids once... I cant imagine moving them so many times. But... think of all the experiences you got to have. Good ones i hope. :)

Eternity said...

Oops, I missed the answers to questions post. Does this mean I don't get to have mine answered?

PBS said...

"Memoirs of a Geisha" was a really good book, haven't seen the movie.

Loved the creative answers! I think a lot of us have a certain "type" we are attracted to. There should be a meme about it.

Okami said...

I'm flattered that you enjoyed the idea so much as to embark upon it yourself.

A question may be coming.

Stephanie said...

i would like my wedding to go off with no probleams and then have a family!!

Grant said...

melissa – thanks, unless you hate Elmore Leonard, in which case I WILL DESTROY YOU! :p

kerry – thanks. Yes, many fine experiences which helped shape me into the psycho I am today.

eternity – it’s a-comin’.

pbs – assuming you’re not referring to a meme you’ve already posted, I know I saw one like that recently on somebody’s blog. Or you could create your own.

okami – okey dokey, but try to avoid questions about my sex life as they are just a reminder that everybody thinks I desperately need to get laid for some unknown reason.

stephanie - I recommend Voodou and alcohol as a solution to your situation.

Libélula said...

I just love reading you, G

Anonymous said...

Hey! Very Nice! Check out this website I found where you can make extra cash.
It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and put
in your zipcode to see if you can find something. I found something and make
and extra $900 a month!


Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

I think that you and your web visitors would be interested erotic hypnosis