Friday, September 30, 2005

Love is in the air

Or is that shrapnel? Whatever…

I’m putting together a plan to approach my cherubic pain technician, the lovely Ninja Bunny Dentist. An extraordinary woman like her demands an extraordinary plan, one which will require your help in person.

First, watch 7:35 in the Morning. It’s everything good art should be – funny, touching, and steeped in desperation. If you can’t play the movie, you might need Apple’s QuickTime plug-in which can be found here.

Next, leave me a comment to let me know if you are available on October 13. I’m going to need at least one person on electric guitar, preferably two, and a drummer and bassist as well as various backup vocals.

On the thirteenth, you will all need to slip into the outer waiting room of my dentist’s office during lunch time. I will enter just before 1:00 PM and when I am called to the back, we will begin serenading NBD with the lovely love song I wrote. I thought about using “Return to Oz” by the Scissor Sisters for the melody, but decided to use an upbeat tune instead, something cheerful and well-known for its positive connotations. I chose Helter Skelter. Improved lyrics follow.

* * *

I went to the dentist I expected nothing but pain
Then I saw NBD and her form burned into my brain
Now I know if I can’t have her I will go insane (er)

Do you, don't you want me to love you?
Coming down fast from miles above you
Give me, give me, give me, come on, give me your body
You may be a dentist but you’re also a hottie

(refrain)
Look out…
Dental nookie
Dental nookie
Dental nookie

Will you, won't you want me to screw you?
I'm coming on fast but, still, let me do you
Tell me, tell me, tell me your reply
If you don’t sex me up then I’ll fucking die!

(refrain)

(guitar solo)

Look out, cause there she goes. (Stop her – don’t let her escape)

Will you go out with me, climb a tree, kiss a bee
Take a drive to a dive or maybe even five
Touch me kiss me spank me lick me all over again

Well do you, don't you want to date me
I'm a total head case but please don’t hate me
Come on, baby, let me buy you an orange
Oh, poop! Nothing rhymes with orange

(refrain)

* * *

After that, she’ll smile demurely, step forward, extend one delicate hand, plunge it into my chest and rip out my heart (she is a ninja, after all). “You won’t need that anymore,” she’ll scream, then laugh maniacally as she grinds it beneath her heel. Disheartened (literally), I’ll take my bag of confetti and TNT loaded vest and go somewhere to explode. There’s a Scientology church in the neighborhood I’ve been meaning to blow up. I plan to sneak in the back during services, leap upon the stage (or dais, or altar – whatever) in the middle of the sermon, shout “May jesus fuck you!” and go out in a blaze of glory. Did I mention that I will be wearing a devil outfit for all of this? Because I will.

See you Thursday after next. Somebody bring donuts.

3 comments:

Malia said...

Man, I wish I didn't have class that day already.

Malia

sands of time said...

Im going to be around.
Hope she ravishes you after all the effort your putting into seduce her.

PBS said...

Wow, what an imagination! At least this will make your dentist visit more interesting!