Life should be more like a porn flick

Having received a promotion last year, I was finally able to afford medical insurance. It just kicked in, so I went to a dentist Wednesday for the first time in over five years. As it turns out, I need a whole new (preferably less diseased) head.

Actually, it wasn’t as bad as all that. They want to do lots of things to me – scary words like planing, scaling, filling, crown, and root canal came up – but they’re only trying to putty in my existing teeth rather than replace them. I expected dentures since I’m already eleven years older than my dad when he had most of his teeth replaced. Teeth – what a rotten idea. What was no god thinking?

On the positive side, I got to spend time being attended to and touched by some very attractive women. My hygienist was an ebony toned woman with straight hair and a firm butt that would not be hidden by those amorphous, unflattering scrubs. As she outfitted my mouth with various pieces of modern art and slagged my brain with x-rays, I couldn’t help but observe that an unusually large number of female dental workers are seriously hot. For some reason, attractive women like to put their fingers in others’ mouths. I don’t understand why, but when I figure it out I will be one step closer to becoming one with the universe.

Then my assigned dentist came in. I expected some wrinkled prune of a dude, and instead got a maximum major league uber-hottie, even more beautiful than the iPod Princess with whom I failed to have sex in the grocery store. I don’t mean I wanted to have sex with her in the grocery store. Well, actually I did – right on top of the Rice-A-Roni. Anyway, to avoid the possibility of litigation I’ll just refer to my new dentist as Dr. View. She had long, silky hair, an athletic body only partially hidden by her lab coat, a perfect smile (natch), and beautiful almond eyes into which I gazed longingly as she rattled off the number of cavities I have to fill. I wanted to ask her if she owned an iPod, but the drool factor was too high already.

She took her slender fingers out of my mouth and informed me of my options as I pictured her naked. It was one of those moments where you (read: men) wish life was more like a porno video, and every encounter was just a prelude to sex. Alas, it was not to be. It’s difficult to look sexy when you’re on your back, mouth wide open, displaying rows of pitted teeth. I don’t think Antonio Banderas could pull it off, so what chance do I have?

One little thing that bothered me. She was personable, friendly, an active listener and didn’t even hurt when she poked and prodded, but Dr. View is younger than me. This marks the first time I have ever been attended to by a medical professional who is not my senior. I’ve had to get used to not being the youngest person in the office, and now I have deal with being older than the professionals in what’s left of my life. That’s just me; encounter with sexy dentist = thoughts of mortality and death.

So instead of getting that Harley I wanted, I guess I’ll be upgrading my mouth. That probably won’t impress the biker chick at my favorite sub shop, but if I ever want any lip action with a beautiful woman, all I have to do is smash myself in the teeth with a hammer.