800 Posts Old...

...and yet my blog doesn't look a day over 799. Which is too bad, because I've been using this template since I began and it's getting old. In fact, I never really liked it that much. I just chose it because it's green. I'm designing a new one and I'll probably be asking your opinions as it nears completion.

In honor of post 800, I thought I’d do something really special, but it snuck up on me and I’m hung over so I’ll just write a bit of gibberish designed to make your brain cells commit suicide.

Note to my neighbors (especially the dumb pickup truck driving rednecks) – those lines painted on the tarmac are designed to show you where to park your vehicle. The goal is not to protect the paint with your car. Thank you.

We have a pair of elderly twins who work in my office. Today, one is wearing navy slacks with a yellow sweater, the other is wearing yellow slacks with a navy sweater. Must be nice to have a live body double. Like, if you ever wondered what you’d look like if you got shot. “Hey, bro, come here.”

We also have two Asian women (no relation) who work here, one of whom is really cute. Shisha usagi! I’ve never talked to her, but she has an American sounding name. I walk by her desk at least once per day just to get a brief glimpse of her with my peripheral vision. She always looks up as I pass and I think she’s getting suspicious. Whenever she has to be in my area, she always turns her back to me (she has a nice butt, btw). I wonder if that vibe of mine is triggering her female alarms.

If I haven’t mentioned the vibe before, apparently I have invisible crazy/dangerous lines emanating from my body like waves of stink. Women are especially sensitive to my presence. If I approach them with a smile, they generally tend to recoil and look for a safe, well-lit place, even before I break out the chainsaw. True tale – I once transferred money online from my checking to savings, but the money attempted to flow the other way. I received notification that a) I didn’t have the funds to make that large of a savings withdrawal, and b) I now had fewer funds because they were charging me $20. I went to the branch office for assistance and stood in line to talk to a friendly, chatty woman who laughed and smiled at everybody. When I approached she took one look, crossed her arms across her chest, only talked to me in clipped sentences, and refused to help me. Hopefully she’s dead now, or at least in a lot of pain. After she refused to do anything for me, I politely asked to speak to the manager who immediately copped an attitude, I’m assuming because his wonderfully effusive customer service person hated me on sight. He informed me that customers used their web site at their own risk. Note – this was a country bank that only begrudgingly added online banking after everybody else had done it. I’m not banking with them anymore, if you wondered.

If you ever hear a redneck shout “Hey, watch this!” make sure you’re a safe distance away and then watch the fun. Odds are he’s about to die in a stupidly spectacular manner. “Hey, watch this!” is our typical battle cry before we do something like setting off that homemade firecracker we concocted with a pint of gasoline, a pound of gunpowder, an empty coffee can, and a three millimeter long fuse.

In closing – Satan.