Friday, March 31, 2006

800 Posts Old...

...and yet my blog doesn't look a day over 799. Which is too bad, because I've been using this template since I began and it's getting old. In fact, I never really liked it that much. I just chose it because it's green. I'm designing a new one and I'll probably be asking your opinions as it nears completion.

In honor of post 800, I thought I’d do something really special, but it snuck up on me and I’m hung over so I’ll just write a bit of gibberish designed to make your brain cells commit suicide.

Note to my neighbors (especially the dumb pickup truck driving rednecks) – those lines painted on the tarmac are designed to show you where to park your vehicle. The goal is not to protect the paint with your car. Thank you.

We have a pair of elderly twins who work in my office. Today, one is wearing navy slacks with a yellow sweater, the other is wearing yellow slacks with a navy sweater. Must be nice to have a live body double. Like, if you ever wondered what you’d look like if you got shot. “Hey, bro, come here.”

We also have two Asian women (no relation) who work here, one of whom is really cute. Shisha usagi! I’ve never talked to her, but she has an American sounding name. I walk by her desk at least once per day just to get a brief glimpse of her with my peripheral vision. She always looks up as I pass and I think she’s getting suspicious. Whenever she has to be in my area, she always turns her back to me (she has a nice butt, btw). I wonder if that vibe of mine is triggering her female alarms.

If I haven’t mentioned the vibe before, apparently I have invisible crazy/dangerous lines emanating from my body like waves of stink. Women are especially sensitive to my presence. If I approach them with a smile, they generally tend to recoil and look for a safe, well-lit place, even before I break out the chainsaw. True tale – I once transferred money online from my checking to savings, but the money attempted to flow the other way. I received notification that a) I didn’t have the funds to make that large of a savings withdrawal, and b) I now had fewer funds because they were charging me $20. I went to the branch office for assistance and stood in line to talk to a friendly, chatty woman who laughed and smiled at everybody. When I approached she took one look, crossed her arms across her chest, only talked to me in clipped sentences, and refused to help me. Hopefully she’s dead now, or at least in a lot of pain. After she refused to do anything for me, I politely asked to speak to the manager who immediately copped an attitude, I’m assuming because his wonderfully effusive customer service person hated me on sight. He informed me that customers used their web site at their own risk. Note – this was a country bank that only begrudgingly added online banking after everybody else had done it. I’m not banking with them anymore, if you wondered.

If you ever hear a redneck shout “Hey, watch this!” make sure you’re a safe distance away and then watch the fun. Odds are he’s about to die in a stupidly spectacular manner. “Hey, watch this!” is our typical battle cry before we do something like setting off that homemade firecracker we concocted with a pint of gasoline, a pound of gunpowder, an empty coffee can, and a three millimeter long fuse.

In closing – Satan.

14 comments:

Poll said...

Hello !!

Nice to meet you.

Tai said...

The "Darwin Awards" are FILLED with rednecks hollering "HEY GUYS...watch this!!"

~Deb said...

800th post? Wow! That's great. I'm not sure how you come across in person, but it sounds awfully frightening...hmmm... Do you think it has anything to do with your "Satan" status? ;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Heh...the last time The PK yelled "Watch this!!!' he was jumping on our trampoline. He proceeded to do a back flip and missed the trampoline COMPLETELY, landing flat on his back in the grass. I freaked.

Luckily, he was drunk and thus, very limber, so he didn't break anything but his stupidity record. ;)

So yeah, I know ALL ABOUT those hollering rednecks.

Congrats on all your posts! :)

Grant said...

poll - Howdy!

tai - I've read a claim that the Darwin's are mostly fake. Funny, but not actually true stories.

~deb - the horns and tail are a dead giveaway.

pq - based on your descriptions, I worry that your husband is going to get the Darwin Award some day.

Ayako said...

Hey, thanks for your random comment =D hehe..been getting a few of those lately. Take care! =)

fatty ~ said...

hahahahaha!

don worry grant - i'd smile back =D

always wanted to make a molotov cocktail - that gets pretty stupid...

congrads on the 800th post - i recently hid 50 in less than 2 months. shocking

Tai said...

Grant.

:P

Liz said...

800 wow. Wonder what all Grant facts that I am missing out on by having not read them all. My laziness will conquer my curiosity though.

Just Some Gal said...

Don't let them deep fry turkies for you either.

PBS said...

Hmmm, lose the "Satan" and flames black T-shirt and it might help in bank lines, or not.

I'm curious about the pair of elderly twins, have they always worked there or did one get added to the work roster later? Sounds like they share clothing, do they live together? Maybe they were formerly Siamese Twins. Hmmm, so many questions...don't think I'd like to work w/elderly twins, it just sounds very weird, for some reason.

Grant said...

ayako - you're welcome.

aka fatty - you might change your mind if you met me in person, unless you have no evil-dar.

tai - back at you. Seriously, it's hard to respond to that comment.

liz - basically you just missed a year and a half of death threats and other women with whom I failed to have sex.

blondie - yeah, let's take a healthy food and ruin it with lard. I'm surprised nobody has figured out how to deep fry the dressing.

pbs - the twins have been there before anybody else I know. I think they were just standing aroudn and they built the building around them.

Eternity said...

Now I am curious as to what you look like...

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