Saturday, April 01, 2006

J-Immersion, week 2

As of today, I’ve learned just enough Japanese to go to Tokyo and convince people I’m a retarded albino monkey on crack. I sound like a moron. I can do it reasonably well when I’m by myself, but my brain stalls when I have to deal with someone else. That last sentence pretty well sums up my sex life too.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s my imagination when I think women sense my inherent evilness and react the way they do, and then I have a morning like today’s which confirms things. Sensei-usagi laughed and joked while conversing with everyone else, and then turned deadly serious when she got to me. She actually flinched a couple of times while I spoke. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn the black t-shirt with the death’s head skull and “Drop Dead” written across it. No, I’m not kidding.

Drop Dead

Still, she’s so cute and tiny I can’t bring myself to hate her properly. How’s that for pathetic? Part of me still wants to eviscerate her, but not out of spite. I just think she would leave an adorable little corpse.

Last night I watched Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition and Torture. It’s basically perfect. Any movie where the heroine gets naked and kills a lot of people DURING THE OPENING CREDITS is okay by me, and it just got better after that. The plot involves loads of J-usagi getting naked and graphically killing people, plus they speak some words now and then but those are just to fill the gaps. Directing that movie must have been easy. “Get naked. Okay, now kill people.” Actual dialog:

Big Tiger (spoken to Ochou, the heroine): Get naked!

Joji (spoken to a room full of gore-spattered naked Asian women): Your pussies are going to catch cold.

When I heard that, I said to myself “Oh, please let that be the closing line” AND IT WAS. A line like that can’t be topped. It really puts that whole “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” crap into perspective. I thought about giving it five out of five stars on NetFlix, but I didn’t want to give it the same rating I do for high art like Schindler’s List or Fight Club. Then I rethought matters and decided it was better than high art – it was loads of fun. So I give it five stars.

I later discovered it was a sequel to the movie Sex and Fury which I added to my queue. Looks like I’ve got a theme for my next movie night: Asian Bunnies who Get Naked and Carve People into Sushi. Since they’re foreign films, this counts as culture so I can still call all my friends and coworkers a bunch of dumb rednecks.

Evil, out


Kira said...

Ok, I think I'd find that too funny to watch. I may ask Alex to add it to his list as well.

ManNMotion said...

Dude, forget the naked chicks and check out a move callled Volcano High, it's a Korean martial arts (kinda) movie with rappers like Snoop and Method Man doing the voice over into English. I'm not sure the translation is always accurate but who cares? If that doesn't catch you, have some friends over and dub your own lines into your favorite kung fu flick.

Nobius said...

Hmmm...I love the t-shirt. I think it should be the motif for your website.

PBS said...

Ha ha, this was so funny from the first paragraph on down! So, what would be the proper J-munchies to watch that movie?

Liz said...

Maybe you need to (brace yourself Grant) look outside of the Asian arena. Just a thought.

Eternity said...

I too would be praying that it was the closing line, but for entirely different reasons.

Anonymous said...

well, you're not scaring us away are you?

do you realise if your serious about asian blood, your going to have to satisfy with a much smaller cup-size? The only place your going to find well-endowed asian women is in the modeling and porn industries...

Blue said...

Have you seen orgasmo? I think you'd like that too.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Retarted albino monkey on crack"

Yeah, that's what I sound like trying to speak spanish...I can sympathize with you. ;)

Joe said...

I'm starting to imagine that your teacher has access to your Netflix account and keeps track of what you order.

BBB_0202020 said...

lol@albino monkey

Grant said...

kira - don't forget the prequel Sex & Fury. Otherwise the movie won't make sense.

mannmotion - I added it to my queue.

nobius - I envision somebody discovering the corpse of their husband or wife slumped at their computer, the browser pointed at my site featuring the "Drop Dead" image, and then then will sue me and they will win because this is America.

pbs - I have some rice and seaweed crackers, although I've heard that bits of fried octopus on a stick are popular at ball games.

liz - I'll sleep with any woman, but I'm still in love with my dentist.

eternity - high art is not for everyone. :p

aka fatty - fortunately, my tastes have changed since meeting my dentist, even though she looks to be a little larger-breasted than most Asian women. I now find the lean physiqye to be very attractive. Asian women with serious curves look out of place.

bluebolt - I added it to my queue, even though it's not J-horror.

pq - Spanish would be more useful, but my dentist, who I love, is Asian. Actually, she sounds like a native born American, but definitely of Asian descent.

joe - I would be okay with her seeing my queue, but I would worry if she saw the blog. She would most likely kill me with her ninja skills. Note - I'm assuming all Asians are secretly fully trained ninjas.

tigerkiss - thank you.

annush said...

retarded albino monekey on crack??