Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Who has the Voodoo?

I do. I have finished reading my book on Voodoo, and so Zorzan the Splendiferous has a new weapon in his arsenal. Fools! I’ll destroy you all! Wait, I’ll need a lock of hair from each of you before the magic works. Just send it to me and in five to seven business days (fewer if you use priority mail) I’ll destroy you all! Fools!

Actually, it’s really a humorous coffee table book with as much factual information as Colonel Sanders has military experience. I only paid $4.49 for it, so I wasn’t expecting much. The Voodoo doll is still kind of cute, and if I focus enough energy upon it while stabbing it with pins (included), who knows what will happen?

This reminds me of a time when I was in junior high school. While at the public library, I decided to look for books on witchcraft, because that’s what guys like me do. Most of the books I found had misleading titles – for example, Satan is Alive and Well on Planet Earth is seriously disappointing – but I did locate a couple that contained actual spells. One had a Native American spell (it didn’t say which tribe) for rain. All you had to do was place a stool in your back yard and sit in it naked until the storm began. I bypassed that one and a few others going for the chewy caramel center – the Death Spell. I don’t remember all of it, but it was a very elaborate ritual that involved, amongst other things, 1) procuring a jewel encrusted gold box, 2) fashioning a bar of gold to represent the victim, 3) burying the bar inside the box next to a running river and leaving it there forever, and 4) performing a sacrifice with some kind of expensive dagger. I decided that if I wanted somebody dead, I’d just skip the early steps, go straight to the sacrifice and stab my intended victim. It seemed easier.

9 comments:

Bob W. said...

You sure nailed it. It is the same thing that Male friends and I did back in the late 60's, guess we thought witchcraft would help us conquor the world, We never realized at the time that it would be the Women that concoured it.:)

PBS said...

Ha ha "Satan is Alive and Well on Planet Earth" a Jesus freak gave me that book to read! I agree with you, witchcraft is way too complicated when the shortcut route is quicker and easier.

Libélula said...

I read a book called Voodoo & Magic once. It's amazing what some people would do. I don't wanna say "I believe in witches"...but I do believe in the power of the mind. If you focus enough, I think anything can happen. That's why I don't mess with that...

Weary Hag said...

A former friend of mine met and married a man from Honduras. Within two months, he went back to visit his family but she couldn't go because of work. He came home and developed a high fever and shakes, which the local Florida hospital couldn't figure out. After losing like 15 pounds in 10 days, he keeled over and died.
To this day, this woman believes he went back to Honduras and was issued a voodoo curse by a former lover. Oh it gets better. She even went to Honduras and researched his family to find that they went back in time to a local tribe of witchdoctors, and she walked the jungles trying to solve her husband's "murder."

I thought that was a bit much.
Like I said, "former friend." When she came back and started buying small dolls and tiki sticks, I'd about had enough.

Oh yes, and I think I was the one who gave the book to poor PBS. hahahaha

Malia said...

I had a friend who thought he could do witchcraft. Then I met a real Wiccan, which was very interesting. Good luck with those spells Grant.

malia

sands of time said...

When i was at school i bought this spell book.I wanted to do evil things to some of the horrible people at school.I followed them exactly but nothing ever happened to any of them.

Ddot the King said...

interesting post Grant....very interesting! :) Thanks for stopping my my spot!

AVA said...

Exactly. Why complicate your life with Voodoo if you can do things yourself, or pay someone else to do them foryou hahah (jk)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I had several books on witchcraft...one of the spells was for keeping the love of your life with you. There was a certain chant (I can't even remember it now) you had to perform along with taking a drop of urine (yours, of course) and dropping a single drop in each of your lovers shoes.

My cousin SWEARS it worked...the "love of her life" turned out to be the "dud of her life" and she had one hell of a time getting rid of the guy.

P.S. Remind me (since you now know voodoo) to NEVER piss you off...;)