Curse that Harry Potter

I received an e-mail from a friend who informed me that he has to leave work early to pick up his thirteen year old daughter from an xtian summer camp since she has been ousted for using witchcraft. Early reports are sketchy, but it appears she was being tormented by some boy and decided to settle his hash by hexing him. My friend is not sure with whom to be angry – her for invoking the dark lord in bible class, or them for reacting as if she has real powers. I must assume the hex was successful as no xtian person in a position of authority would ever dream of abusing their power or acting like a hysterical git. Further, I wonder why the counselors were unable to keep this aspiring witch from being tormented in the first place, and what punishment they visited upon the bully after restoring him from his toad state?

This is, of course, all J. K. Rowling’s fault. By introducing witchcraft into the mainstream and ensnaring our young in her web of evil, she may be bringing about the demise of xtianity in the Western world (one can only hope). By way of protest against her iniquitous ways, I plan to buy her next book, read it, and continue to make broad, sweeping accusations until she offers me much money to shut the hell up.

In the meantime, my friend will attempt to get his money back from the camp counselors/witch hunters. If they won’t capitulate for the sake of decency or fair business practices (yeah, right), I say we let his daughter stand in the parking lot and chant curses until they cough up the green. We can help his cause by mailing anonymous jinxed letters to the camp. They don’t need to be anything special, just a few pentagrams, goat drawings, and some vaguely curse-y sounding phrases (“a hex a poo, a hex a poo on you” should do nicely).

To my friend, I say don’t forget to teach your kids what to do when grabbed by an authority figure. If you’ve forgotten, it’s the old prison maxim. “First thing, either kill somebody or become somebody’s bitch. Everything will be okay after that.”

I’m glad I have a contact in the Satanic community. The last one didn’t work out so well.

Evil, out