General Irony to the Scene*

Liberated (yeah, that’s it) from Sarcasmo.

1) If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? (Assume you also get baseline superhero enhancements like moderately increased strength, endurance and agility.)

My first instinct was to go for pyrokinesis, the ability to start and control fires with my mind, but I sense this could get me into trouble. My enemies would have no troubles tracking me – just follow the piles of ashes that were once vehicles driven by inconsiderate drivers to my office. Instead, I think I would like the ultimate ability to manifest irony (it fits my superhero persona – see below). For example – if I spotted a supervillain/hero/anybody who was a body freak (jogging, broccoli, no beering), I would immediately have the ability to stricken them with cancer or cause them to be run over by a bus.

Also, just for fun, I would like the ability to sense the presence of evil so that in my every waking moment I will know that I am nearby.

2) Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you fancy, and why?

My all time favorites are Captain America and the Punisher. Both get the job done without any super powers, and they tend to keep things simple rather than spending too much time agonizing over gradations of good and evil and their role in society (sometimes I wish Daredevil would just stop mentally moaning and waste somebody).

Of course, if by “fancy” the question is who do I find the most attractive, I would probably have to go with Rogue – hot Southern chick with a punk-like ‘do. Since her super power prevents any physical contact, she would be the perfect ironic girlfriend. If she’s not available, any of the other super hero/villain women will do. They’re all drawn like a young Dolly Parton in zero gravity. I suspect most comic book artists didn’t date much in high school.

3) Which, if any, 'existing' superhero(es) do you hate?

I’ve never cared for much for Aquaman (or Fishboy as I always called him). Somehow, having the superhuman ability to talk to fish never really impressed me, especially the way he would order these dumb creatures to do his work for him and then take all the credit without rewarding his little scaly minions. I guess he could be good for a laugh if you took him to a seafood restaurant and watched as he ordered a lobster to broil itself.

4) Is there an 'existing' superhero with whom you identify/whom you would like to be?

I’ve always liked Magneto (he’s sometimes a hero). He has a good mix of technological savvy and nearly unlimited power.

5) What would your superhero name be? (No prefab porn-name formulas here, you have to make up the name you think you'd be proud to mask under.)

General Irony. Military ranks are frequently used in superhero titles (Captain being the most obvious), but General is rarely seen. Besides, I find it somewhat ironic that the Army’s highest rank (next to Field Marshall) is a word which means commonplace. My costume would be stealthy elf shoes with bells, cheap fatigues with gold embroidering, a corn cob pipe filled with soap bubbles, a black mask to conceal my identity, and a name tag on my shirt.

* Note I didn’t say “rescue.” Part of my superdude persona will be to keep everyone guessing as to which side I’m actually on**.

** Evil*** – but don’t tell anybody.

*** Or am I?****

****Pretty much.