Friday, January 21, 2005

True Story

I remember some guy I met in the Army, who I’ll call Boober just because I can. He had gone through basic training with another friend of mine who introduced us when he heard I liked role playing games. Boober was a pock-marked beanpole who wore glasses half the size of his head. He had joined at age seventeen with his parents’ blessings, and still had yet to turn eighteen when I met him. He did own a few D&D books, but seemed to treat them more like operating manuals for real life instead of fantasy entertainment. He asked if I had ever had any dreams that had come true, and when I answered (truthfully) that I had, he seemed overjoyed, clapping his hands together and announcing he had found his psychic for the circle of power he was building. He claimed to have sensed my psychic ability when I approached. I sensed that I was in the presence of someone weirder than myself, and as I’m usually more than I can handle alone, I excused myself and stayed away from him.

I had all but forgotten Boober when, after our battalion returned from guarding a major ammo dump in Germany, he was arrested for stealing ordinance. They found part of an M-16, 9mm rounds, and a pound and a half of C-4 plastic explosives in his room. Additionally, they confiscated a black robe adorned with made-up magical symbols, a handmade spell book, and a brief case with the combination 666 on both sides which contained detailed plans for a woodland worship site complete with altar. Our mutual friend later told me Boober had told him about the altar, claiming that he had already begun lugging stones to the undisclosed site in the hills behind the base. He also told my friend that the stuff he had in the room was just the tip of the high-explosive iceberg. Boober stated he had also hidden near the altar site a few more small arms with ammunition, much more high explosives with wire and detonators, and a couple of light anti-tank rockets. His plan was to gather his circle of power and perform a sacrifice, thus granting him the ability to create magic.

Boober’s plan makes perfect sense to me except for one minor detail: who the heck needs plastic explosives and LAW rockets for a sacrifice? Whatever happened to the time-honored ebony dagger? And how many people and/or bunnies was he planning to sacrifice, and from what distance?

Final notes – I don’t know the end to this story. I never saw or heard of Boober after his arrest, and nobody ever found the altar and missing ordinance. Also be aware that, due to my military training, I can sacrifice moving armored virgins up to a thousand meters away.

Fear me, out

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