Tuesday, August 17, 2010

New Letter from Old Friends

Dear Mr. Grant,

Thank you for the opportunity to inflict pain and injury on you in the name of healthcare in June of 2009. If you thought you were through paying us for what we did to for you, then HA HA HA HA HA moron. You will never be rid of us. And don't think we didn't notice that you tossed a law bunny in our path. We simply don't care. You think the American legal system can stop us? They only affect ethical businesses like banks, credit companies, and debt collectors. If you think the doctors believe themselves gods, consider this: they only affect whether you die or accidentally survive. We will control the tone of your remaining time on Earth, and your file has been flagged "Unending Torment". Following is a brief list (by no means complete) of things that will stop long before us:
  1. The Terminator
  2. Irresistible Force
  3. Perpetual Motion
  4. Hello Kitty
  5. God
  6. Infinity
Our records indicate you recently bought a new car (nice pick, btw), so surely you can afford to give us a little more money. We're only asking for slightly more than a monthly car payment, and if you pay this bill we promise we'll never bother you aga- A HA HA HA okay I couldn't type that and keep a straight face. But anyway - pay us. The sooner you pay this bill, the sooner we can all move on, by which I mean to your next bill.

And, no, your failing eyes do not deceive you. We are re-billing for work for which you've already paid. It's just that we thought about it long and hard for a couple of seconds and decided that we want to be paid more than logic / decency / your insurance plan would dictate. Sick people don't deserve their money anyway. Besides, we are combating the encroachment of socialism upon our great society. We don't support that commie claptrap of "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need". We believe in "from each however he can get it, to us". People like you are ruining our freedom. So pay us, and keep America strong. Or we'll shoot you.

Yours in Christ,

your pals at Deathstar Healthcare, Billing, and Anal Rape, unlimited


Mrs. Hall said...

yeah. good times.

thing of this maybe like a rash. it comes, it flares up, it goes. the ointment (the legal bankruptcy, the bunny lawyer, etc) all of this is salve that may temporarily sooth things. but. it is not a cure.

I wish you the best of luck dealing with this. and funny letter. :)

Avitable said...

That salutation is a nice touch. And probably genuinely what it said, too.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

You forgot cockroaches. They'll outlast those little fuckers easy-peasy.

Jay said...

They're so damn clever. Of course by paying the amount that they ask you to pay, you are agreeing to reinstating the bills that you incurred before the Legal Bunny got them dismissed. They're pretty sure you're stupid enough to fall for it.

Unfortunately, most people are.

Maundering mutterer said...

Damn! Hope you sort them out... You must be FURIOUS, but I see it doesn't affect your sense of humor.

Grant said...

Mrs. Hall - funny how a rash is the perfect metaphor for the healthcare system.

Avitable - it's a direct quote to the best of my memory.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter - are you saying the medicos will outlast the cockroaches, or the cockroaches will win out? Like most great works of art, your comment can be interpreted many ways.

Jay - I'm just glad they haven't realized that if they run people over with their ambulances, they'll need immediate medical treatment and will be too unconscious to object to going to their hospital.

Maundering mutterer - actually I'm at the point now where I'm only sadly amused by their antics. Plus no reputable collections agency will attempt to collect or file paperwork against my credit after they know about the bankruptcy, so I'm just waiting for the hospital to contact yet another collector and then we can put an end to this round.

Robin said...

Yours in Christ, I may start using that.