Thursday, July 16, 2009

Open Letters

To various restaurants I have patronized:

Dear Steak ampersand Ale,

I ate at one of your locations once (once). I decided that, since I was in a Steak & Ale, I would try the steak and ale. The waiter told me you don’t actually have ale, but he offered me a beer instead. Please change your name and logo immediately to Steak and a Beer, or I’ll sue you for the cost of my ever-mounting medical bills.

Dear Waffle House,

If I ever visit you again and ask for a waffle and you tell me you don’t have waffles but you offer me a fluffy stack of pancakes instead, I’ll go all Steak and a Beer on your buttocks. Don’t be those guys.

Dear IHOP,

Those of us who are old enough remember that the I stands for International. Anyone who would view your food as international would probably think of Pizza Hut and Taco Bell as upscale foreign cuisine. Please change the name to HOP or, more accurately, Denny’s Lite.

Dear Denny’s,

Please bring back the gays. The local Denny’s once had an entirely gay crew which provided great service. Then I returned for xmas dinner and discovered the staff had been replaced with a team whose motto was apparently “We hate white people.”

Oh, wait – never mind. That location went out of business. Well, I’m sure it was just because the location was bad, or maybe because Denny’s is so expensive and nobody recognizes the name. The thriving HOP / Denny’s Lite sharing the same parking lot surely thanks you for the additional business.

Dear Sushi Huku,

I was saddened to hear that your Japanese restaurant was bought by Koreans. I’m sure the radical change in attitude (actually being nice to non-Japanese – THE HORROR) in no way contributed to the reverse in flagging patronage. The additional customers are probably just overflow from the failed Denny’s. When you can’t have your grand slam breakfast with fried eggs and link sausage, sea urchin sashimi and fish roe sushi rolls are just as good.

Dear Duncan Donuts,

My diabetes keeps me from returning, but I already absconded because your foreign staff couldn’t interpret my last order. I’m a big fan of cultural differences and tolerance, but people taking donut orders should understand certain key words like “glazed” and “assorted”. A training class to explain the difference between "donut" and "cruller" would not be a bad idea.

Dear Hooters,

Please see Duncan Donuts above but replace “glazed and assorted” with “wings and beer”. Thank you.


Jay said...


Wait .... where's the bunny? OH! I was supposed to bring the bunny today? Okay then. Here's the bunny who won the Women's U.S. Open:

I was going to laugh at you for going to Denny's for Christmas dinner, but then I remembered that I have gone to Shoney's for Thanksgiving dinner many times.

Okay, so I also had Waffle House for Thanksgiving dinner once too. The waitress seemed to feel sorry for me. How freaking low does one have to fall to have a waitress at Waffle House feel sorry for him? Having a waitress at Waffle House feel sorry for me just about made me want to end it all.

Whitemist said...

How true, ow true!
I have a friend how loves IHOP (HOP in a rational view). but one should remember that it was all started by a greek in the '30s.,..

Captain Dumbass said...

Thanks Jay, I forgot how many bunnies play in the LPGA.

Hit 40 said...

Hooters hires foreigners??

And wait.... you are knocking the japanese restaurant where you could have maybe found a bunny?? Although - I worked at Japanese restaurant one summer. No bunnies. The Japanese were males in the kitchen cooking.

Jay is cracking me up going to dennys/shoney's for thanksgiving. If you lived closer, I would being both you shut ins a good plate of food.

Hit 40 said...


I would bring both of you shut ins a plate of food.

Alright!!! I will be ok now.

SJ said...

Every exotic restaurant that opens in India after a few months adds indian food to it's menu. To survive they have to.

American fast food places seems to be exempt to this rule. Proves that we are all united in sickness and heatlh.

NYD said...

God Bless America

Grant said...

Jay - around here, any place that stays open for the big holidays (especially Thanksgiving and Xmas) draws such a crowd that the line is usually out the door and well into the parking lot.

Whitemist - it seems to me that IHOP has gone down in quality over the years. With my diabetes, pancakes are seriously off my diet anyway.

CDA - I have to start watching golf now. Do they have tournaments that include Jell-O shots and wet T-shirt contests?

Hit 40 - I only saw one at one location, but the poor girl couldn't even say Hello or understand a single word of English. She was also unattractive and flat-chested, so I have no idea why they hired her.

SJ - in India, a Big Mac should count as exotic foreign food.

NYD - you probably miss all this fun being in the land of customer service.

Tracy Lynn said...

I had a great comment, then lost it. Damn you, tech gods.

Ricardo said...

There's an IHOP very neer me and I love the artery damaging food.

I consider it taboo to declare that you have ale when you in fact don't. They should be shut down on site for that.

Ricardo said...

Glazed and assorted Hooters and hooters? That's nipple licking good.

Avitable said...

Is Duncan Donuts related to Dunkin' at all?

metalmom said...

Hubs and I just had a side splitting laugh catching up with you. You just want me to die by choking on my own spit, don't you?

Grant said...

Tracy - I think you're cheating.

Ricardo - I checked the online menu of a local one, and it didn't even have beer. Steak & Mr. Pibb isn't even close.

Avitable - they deny it, but the two have been photographed together.

Metalmom - choking on your own vomit would be more metal. Actually, choking on someone else's vomit would be even better.

Circe said...

I loved your restaurant reviews. I always kinda liked IHOP but then I love waffles and pancakes so I would. And we don't have one in Podunkville so it's rare I ever eat in one. And why is it called International anyway?

TBC and I ate at Perkins (which is kinda like Dennys)for Thanksgiving once. They were the only place open and it wasn't too shabby and yeah, they were pretty crowded.

We don't have Steak & Ale so I'll take your word on them not serving ale.

I only do Waffle Houses on trips. What would be your opinion of Cracker Barrel I wonder? LOL

April said...

I think the creators of IHOP had big dreams for the restaurant when they started it. However, since they failed, they should drop the I. This way people can stop telling me the corny joke:
Q: Where does a waitress with one leg work?


Grant said...

Circe - I've rarely eaten at a Cracker Barrel because the local ones are always massively overcrowded. My opinion is that they are a Denny's with a gift shop and I have no idea why they draw so much business.

April - the joke still works without the I. They should change it to Pancake House so people can ask "Do you want to grab breakfast at the ph*?"
* pronounced "ff"