Tuesday, July 14, 2009


In order to avoid boring you, to the right of the words are some J-bunnies. Just glance over periodically and you should be able to get through.
/end Words/end Bunnies
During my time sick (now 14 months and counting), I’ve learned that there are certain foods I can’t eat without experiencing a shart attack. Potatoes are the one single ingredient that can upset my stomach in any form. I can handle a small order of fries or some bits of potato in my curry, but a large dish of potatoes au gratin or two potato sides in one day might as well be a flaming laxative enema for me.

I recently ordered a personal sized pizza and order of fries from a local delivery joint. (It was more than I could handle for one meal, but I had to reach a minimum amount for free delivery.) I decided to try reheating the fries for my next meal. I stuck them in the microwave, hit reheat, walked away and heard a sound like a cheesy cartoon effect of Daffy Duck being electrocuted. I looked back and saw flames guttering inside the microwave. I managed to fling open the door and get the Styrofoam container under the tap just as it was completely engulfed. Inspecting the charred remains later, I looked under the fries and wax paper beneath them and discovered a hidden pile of foil ketchup packets. This led me to think of the new tagline for the potato industry:

"Potatoes – turn your back on them and they’ll electrify you and burn your damn house down."
Has anyone ever seen a packet of non-fancy catsup?

If you think people have varied and intractable views on politics and religion, try discussing health and exercise, particularly weight loss, then you’ll see true fanatics among you. I’m surprised nobody has suicide bombed a Duncan Donuts in the name of the one true god Atkins.
Recent conversation overheard in line at Subway:
Sandwich engineer: What kind of sandwich do you want?
Customer: Turkey.
Sandwich engineer: And what kind of meat do you want on that?

Okay, the last part didn't technically happen, but it's only because the laws in this country don't allow you to shoot in defense of the gene pool.


Whitemist said...

Foil catchup under the potatoes, so you won't find them?
I get it!
I have to apologize for being so bunny hungry for your blog. I do not know why. Across the street from me is a Chinese take out with bunnies running it. Next door one of the gentlemen has a bunny for a wife who i get to see regularly. My favorite coffee shop has bunnies running it. Still the last picture in your line up is marvelous!

April said...

I'm so happy potatoes don't give me explosive diarrhea because I eat them every single day, usually in the mashed form.

I'm glad the explosive catsup packets didn't kill you. That would've been tragic.

GreenJello said...

I'll call your god Atkins, and raise you a Suzanne Somers.

Jay said...

Pizza a fries? That's perfect bachelor food right there.

I have that first girl bathed and brought to my room immediately please.

Did you watch the women's US Open Golf over the weekend? Bunnies have taken over the women's tour. It's finally worth watching!

Captain Dumbass said...

Sorry, wtf is catsup? I know what ketchup is, but why would you want something that came out of a cat on your fries? That's just wrong.

SJ said...

Nobody? Not even the most ardent followers? We need more Extremist Atkinsians in the planet.

PBS said...

Weird that potatoes would do it. I had a co-worker who only ate potatoes, at least in public. Rumor was that he had milk and cereal for breakfast, though. He ate fries for lunch every single day. Now that would be boring.

Grant said...

Whitemist - that's one vote for Suzuka Ishikawa.

April - being killed by potatoes would be a fitting way to go. I have had to modify my diet because of that. I used to like multiple potato dishes for one meal.

GreenJello - since Atkins is dead, he works as a martyr. We can say he died for our sins (or calories).

Jay - that's one vote for Ami. My favorite is still Ebi-chan (the one in the middle) so it looks like we all get the bunny we want.

CDA - catsup = pureed cat intestines. It's way fancier when you spell it that way instead of ketchup.

sj - the faster the fundies commit suicide, the better off the world will be.

pbs - maybe he ate potato flakes for breakfast.

Kathy B! said...

It's amazing how fast foil and styrofoam can start a micro-fire! Not that I'd know about these things...

And shooting in defense of the gene pool? Sounds like it could be an interesting defense :)

Hit 40 said...

How did I miss this yesterday??

Did your military training help you to put out the microwave fire? I lesser person (me) would probably have burned down the kitchen.

I did put out a trash fire at school once. I even saw the damn little arsonist who started the fire!!!

Ausin will like the third bunny. She has some cleavage.

Grant said...

Kathy B! - it has to be a better defense than saying god ordered you to kill, even though that has a biblical precedent.

Hit 40 - I have an expert Army qualification in putting out microwave potato fires. And Austin will have to fight Whitemist for Bunny #3.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

Since May I have been on nerve blockers and it’s the greatest thing ever…everything I eat…..is a gotta go right now moment!

Thank you so much for the laugh Grant!

"the laws in this country don't allow you to shoot in defense of the gene pool."

NYD said...

Fries with styrofoam sauce- Yum!

They might want to rethink those gene pool laws. Sometimes a single bullet to the brain is the only cure for a zombie in training.

Grant said...

SSC - sounds like a great diet plan. Like in my case, food now equals sharty pain so I have very little desire to ever eat.

NYD - the legal system gets all pissy when I try to employ the zombie defense.

Ricardo said...

I have pretty serious acid reflux and have to take stuff for it and of all things potatoes will get the better of me. It's not always a given that I'll have heartburn that feels like a massive heart attack but it does happen.