Health Stuff

I’ve been going to the wound care center of the local mega hospital, which is the one I don’t like. The nurses are competent, but the hospital seems more interested in advertising products and keeping patients around as a long-term meal tickets than actually curing anyone. The weekly procedure is that they remove the old bandage, apply a numbing agent (thank the zombie jebus – the doctor worked without it since no diabetic has feeling in their feet), and scrape the dead flesh away. I think they’re trying to amputate on a five year installment plan. Then they put stinky gunk on my foot, cover it with a new bandage, and I get to go back to work. And all is well for an hour or so, then the numbing agent wears off and it stings like I’m walking on fire ants because (as I tell them repeatedly) MY FEET STILL WORK AND HAVE FEELING IN THEM!

The reason I find their treatment methods suspicious is that they do the same thing unscrupulous mechanics do, which is to ask you a question then claim your answer, whatever it is, is the bad one. True situation – a mechanic was trying to convince me to have my wheels realigned every 6k miles instead of when they actually needed it. He asked if my car pulled to one side or not. I said no, and he replied “That’s the worst kind of misalignment – that means it’s locked in a groove.”

So, when the hospital asked what foods I ate and I said mainly miso soup, green tea, rice, and vegetables, they said that was bad and that I needed bacon, eggs, and dairy products (but not skim milk). I followed their advice, and viola! – I gained weight (that’ll help the diabetes). Plus I felt sluggish, like I had been dipped in axle grease, so I returned to my old diet, none of which affected by blood glucose levels at all. Then they asked about my blood sugar level and I reported that it’s now hovering around 180 (it was lower, but all my answers to “What kind of exercise are you doing?” were deemed bad and I had to stop), to which they claimed that 180 is the level that everything shuts down and begins to die. I have the feeling that if I said my level was a constant zero, they’d claim it needs to be a negative number. “If cookies within a five foot radius don’t get sucked into your body as you walk past, it’s unhealthy.”

If you’re a lazy fatass (you know who you are) and you have to go to the doctor but are looking for permission to keep your bad habits, just tell them that you’re into steamed broccoli (unsalted and without cheese), purified water, and jogging up mountains. That way they’ll tell you that you need a six pack of beer, a bag of Doritos, and to sit on the couch watching TV, stat! I get to consult with my regular doctor next week, and I’ll ask if all this wound care stuff is really necessary. I tried asking how long they estimated until my foot heals (I knew better than to expect a straight answer), to which they made vague references to the stuff we’d need to do after the first year passed. WT health F?

As a reward for enduring all my words, here is a bunny - one with breasts this time, for all you whiny women who are fixated on boobage. Why can't you be more enlightened like us men and appreciate women for how they are? Pigs.