I was sent to an all-boy Baptist military boarding academy in Vermont as a teenager, but was expelled for using witchcraft. Actually the charge stemmed from the cover art on one of my CDs.
This is the one that is serious BS, although it sounds like something that would happen to me, especially if you know my taste in music. If you’ve been reading this blog since 2005 (doubtful, since all of my blogpals from those days have either quit blogging or hate me now), you may remember that part of this is true, but it didn’t happen to me. A coworker’s daughter was booted from a Baptist bible camp for practicing witchcraft, but the true story was that she was developing breasts faster than a rival girl (the granddaughter of the camp owners) who made the claim. Full story is here, but the quick version is that the rival girl tried to get her in trouble by getting a guy to sleep with her, then when she rejected his advances he slapped her bible from her hand causing a CD insert she was using as a bookmark to tumble to the floor, then he called her a witch because of the artwork (I don’t remember the band, but it was a mainstream pop group) and she replied “Yeah, and I’ll put a spell on you.” After that, the rival told her grandparents that the girl was practicing witchcraft and they called my coworker and told him to retrieve his heathen child. Being a typical parent, the coworker grounded his daughter on the basis that an adult accused her of something (he had a history of ignoring his children in favor of listening to strangers). She was pardoned after bible camp let out and the other kids returned home and told the true story of what happened.
The other part almost became true - my mother once tried to ship me to a Baptist military boarding school in Vermont. I would have been thrilled to get away from her and it was always my dream to go to a real military academy where they taught useful skills such as Grinding Your Enemies’ Skulls Under Your Jackboot Heel 101 and Advanced Foxhole Digging, but a Baptist military school? I read the brochure and discovered it had no affiliation with the military, they just used military style conformity (the uniforms looked like Confederate infantry with plumed hats) and discipline to push xtianity down their students’ young throats. Every adult that worked there was a Baptist minister. In particular, I remember one passage in the brochure where they described a typical first day. First, the minister / barber shaves your head, during which “You might even get a friendly sermon, too.” Bleah. So, when my mother put the application form and check in the mailbox I retrieved them, tore them into pieces, and flushed the bits down the toilet. By the time she realized the check hadn’t been cashed, it was too late to enroll me. I should have donated the check to a group of Satanists, but I didn’t think of that until now.
If you read all that, you deserve a bunny.
11 comments:
Good thing she tried to enroll you before the age of electronic payments over the internet... we might be seeing a different Grant now. LOL!
Thanks for the follow-up post.
Sounds like the "normal" explanation for witchcraft here with your friend at the school...all a hoax to cover up someone else jealousy.
Baptist Military boarding school?
The horror!!
I actually used to dream about being sent away to a boarding school when I was a kid. I know it seems strange, but if you went to the school with the rednecks I went to school with, you would have been doing the same thing.
Not a Baptist school though. Fuck that.
What a happy bunny!
Speaking of witchcraft... we wanted to visit Salem, but ran out of time. Maybe next time!
I like that bunny. She seems happy in her bunniness.
I am so glad you cleared that up as I was tearing my hair out, wondering which was true and which was BS. Thank you oh Bunnylord.
Too funny tearing up the check!!! Sounds like me.
My dad took away the car keys several times. It was ok. I had also made several copies!!!
That's what I like about your blog at the end of the post I get what I deserve *sniff*
Was "Friendly sermon" within quotation marks? Sounds sinister.
greenjello - my mother thinks technology and progress are the devil, so she still eschews electronic payments in favor of checks in the mail.
leesa - you're welcome. Stand by for more bunny.
whitemist - after which she turned everyone in the camp into toads.
tiff - those are two things that should not mix.
jay - I really did want to go to a military boarding school to get away from my parents. But not a Baptist one. That would be replacing one bad situation with another.
kerry - I wonder if the Salem tours teach you any good spells.
eotr - of course she's happy. She's on my blog. It's the ultimate in bunny honor.
hit 40 - good thinking. I should have made car key copies. And stolen their ATM cards.
sj - the brochure was meant to sound inviting to fundie religious whack jobs, but it sounded sinister to me.
Nice save by ditching the check. It would have been a nightmare there I'm sure. As for witchcraft, I love how it gets super religious peoples panties in a wad. Therefore I love witchcraft.
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