Monday, May 11, 2009

Chicken Up!

This Sunday, while pondering what action I should take to further my recovery, I was faced with the choice of going to the gym or eating a two-piece and a biscuit from KFC. I manned-up and went with the chicken.

This may sound like a cop-out, but since my digestive system has been repeatedly raped by antibiotics over the last year, it was actually the scarier of the two concepts. Even between treatments, three foods can quickly reduce me to a quivering, sharty mass: Southern-style potato salad, chocolate milk, and fried chicken. It can be any variety of fried chicken, from fast food to a salad topped with chunks of fried chicken breast to Japanese鶏肉からあげ.

Since I already don’t like iced tea, country music, or fundie religions, my inability to consume a two-piece and a biscuit means I’m in danger of losing my redneck status and being asked to leave the land flowing with tobacco juice, gunpowder, piss-like beer, incest, limited education, humidity, bugs, igmos, and a serious paucity of hot Asian women. There may also be a downside. So, feeling better than I have in about a year, I girded my loins (or at least my colon) and drove to KFC.

Their recent offers for free chicken said the coupons would not be honored on Mother’s Day, which lead me to wonder if people really took their mothers to a feckin’ fast food restaurant as thanks for carrying them in their uterus for nine months. Based on the crowd I saw, the answer is apparently YES! Even the takeout window had a line of cars. There is no way I would take my mother there, and I’m not just saying that because she is a worthless human being who I have purged from my life who doesn’t deserve any chicken unless I can then shove the bones through her eyeballs. I also wouldn’t take someone I cared about to a fast food chicken stand (especially the drive-through) on their day of celebration.

So, I went back home, regrouped, and went to Folk’s, who were also insanely busy (including the takeout counter). I got my two-piece and a biscuit along with coleslaw and mashed potatoes and gravy (supposedly better but definitely more expensive), and went home to test my intestines. An hour and a half later and I was vindicated! I ate fried chicken and had no pain or diarrhea! I rule! Ten minutes later, I was doubled over in sharty pain, the rest of the day spent largely on the toilet.

Truth is, it wasn’t as bad as it has been, but it’s more pain than I want to endure for the pleasure of eating fried chicken. I’m not even going to try the potato salad or chocolate milk now. I’m going back to my unhealthy Asian diet of green tea, miso soup, and tofu / veggies.


Leesa said...

Grant, I nearly peed myself when I read, "Their recent offers for free chicken said the coupons would not be honored on Mother’s Day, which lead me to wonder if people really took their mothers to a feckin’ fast food restaurant as thanks for carrying them in their uterus for nine months." I think you are recovering nicely.

Jay said...

I was extremely disappointed that KFC wouldn't honor those coupons on Mother's Day. It meant I was going to have to actually do something, which always pisses me off. Especially when I could just turn on golf on the TV and take a nap.

But, I can still take mom to Denny's on her birthday. So things aren't all that bad I guess.

Maybe in a couple of months you can give fried chicken another try.

Oh, and you might consider moving to the Pacific Northwest. I hear there are lots of hot Asian chicks all over that place. My only evidence of this is that all the hot Asian strippers I met in Vegas told me they were from Portland or Seattle. So, it's pretty scientific.

Hit 40 said...

Jay is a keeper. LMAO! Free dinner for his mom on her birthday. Actually... his mom would probably just be glad that he stopped by to visit.

Jay should just take her bowling on Mothers Day. The alley has beer and chicken!!

I stick with 2 drinks or the room spins and spins!!! Vertigo is the worst. But, I do sometimes push the edge with the drinks like you did with the chicken! Just so yummy!!

Whitemist said...

Oh my! You can not eat fried Chicken? Is it the fat or the breading that does you in?
On a lighter note:
No wonder you like Asian women, they lace that miso soup with hormones, you know?
The dentist probably had a lot to do with it also, the oral thing, you know.

metalmom said...

I got some flowers that were left over at the end of the day at the store Babygirl works at. If she didn't bring them home to me, they would have gone into the dumpster.

(She thinks I don't know, but I do!)

Grant said...

leesa - urine is always the best compliment a blogger can receive.

jay - I would like Seattle for the bunnies, weather, and other things, but my job keeps me around Atlanta.

hit 40 - I'm glad alcohol doesn't upset my stomach. I don't like the fried chicken as much as my beer.

whitemist - I can eat grilled chicken and other breaded / fried foods, but when you combine the two it sets me off. Kind of like how I can eat everything that goes into potato salad unless you mix them all together, and then the combination gets deadly.

metalmom - be sure to return the favor when you make dinner.

SJ said...

A post without a certain kind of pic... stay away from chicken for a while longer.

tiff said...

I had such high hopes for you too. Grr, bad colon!