Thursday, April 16, 2009

Sick Blog

Sorry that this has degenerated into a sick blog, but my illness(es) have abducted my life and it’s hard to focus on anything else, especially since my life now centers on trying to discover neat new ways not to die. If you want entertainment, check this older post when I fancied myself as being semi-humorous and was rewarded with more comments than I currently draw. On with the illness update.

The doctors raised my insulin dosage, but lowered the antibiotics. That’s good because I’m currently feeling well except for the effects the antibiotics are having on my digestive tract. I’ve switched to a diabetic-friendly meat-intensive diet but I’m still losing weight because anything that enters my body (including water and air) are immediately converted into flaming sharty poo. At least it’s not as bad as the last time when I started bleeding internally. Using the potty then looked like I was dumping tomato juice into the toilet. Warning – do not read the preceding paragraph if you are eating, have a weak stomach, or don’t want to think of me fire-sharting Campbell’s tomato soup at all hours of the day.

So, my normal unhealthy diet is out. Gone are the days when I mostly ate meat as an occasional flavoring instead of the focus of the meal, and also cut are those horrible rice, noodle, and soy meals. I’m now eating mostly pig products (bacon, sausage, ham) and cheeses (which I hope will induce constipation). I’m glad my diabetic diet has set me straight. With my new American pork-intensive meal plan I don’t have to worry about becoming obese and dying young like the Japanese. As you will see from these pictures of totally typical Japanese females, morbid obesity generally takes hold by high school

obese teens

and by adulthood, they are left struggling to move their own bulk for the short remaining time left to them.

obese adult

They need pig parts, stat. Or maybe just a good porking.

So that’s where I am now. I’m alive and not particularly enjoying it. All my activities are centered around being no more than five minutes away from an available toilet, which pretty much means my apartment and my cubicle. I’ve survived the latest hospital visit and am almost over the illness du jour, and now I just need to recover from the drugs. For once, booze and bunnies may not save me, but I’m still willing to try the bunnies if anyone wants to ship one to me. Remember the air holes this time.

20 comments:

Tracy Lynn said...

You say pork products like it's a bad thing.

tiff said...

Cheese cures all, or at the very least makes life so VERY worth living.

So sorry you're still struggling. Not fair at all.

dr.alistair said...

i tried to communicate with one of those leggy japanese thingies just over a year ago.....

....great while it lasted....

then it wasn`t.

thankfully it never got as far as the ceremonial sword bit.

Kira said...

Sorry about the airholes bit. I'll try to remember those next time. You at least had them stuffed and mounted, right? *cough*

Kerry said...

The screamin' shits suck. They hurt! Not that I know... I'm just sayin.

Wordnerd said...

Sharty poo. Heh heh.

*snort*

Jay said...

Those girls don't even look real. I swear if I was there I would walk up to one and poker her (with my finger people, sheesh!) in the shoulder and see if she reacted at all. Oh sure, if she's real she might kick my ass after that, but at least I would know that she was real.

Jay said...

Oh and sorry you still have the liquid fire shits. Hope those go away soon.

Matt said...

Pal, even when you are well this is a sick blog. You're totally fixated on anal sex with tiny Asian women. It's why I come here.

Gib said...

"Sharty Poo" would be a good name for a rapper.

NYD said...

I bet when you are in a state like this you can identify the individual kernels of corn as they are ejected from your body.

Your story makes me think of a Johnny Cash song. Care to guess which one it is???

metalmom said...

I've heard that heroin causes constipation. It may also help you forget about your lack of bunnies.

Grant said...

tracy - it's just sad that the J-bunnies will go to an early, obese grave because they haven't discovered bacony goodness like we have.

tiff - so far, cheese is losing the struggle to antibiotics. Maybe I need some of that disgusting orange soy stuff.

dr.alistair - I'm hoping for the anal sex bit, then I'll cut and run before the relationship requires a double suicide.

kira - depends on how you mean "stuffed and mounted". They were still warm.

kerry - hopefully you'll never know the feeling.

wordnerd - more fun to say than do.

jay - they're legal to poke in my state if we tell them we love them first.

matt - but everyone wants anal sex with tiny Asian women. It's the norm.

gib - you can use it to launch your career.

nyd - I'm guessing "Ring of Fire" since "My Anus is in Sharty Panus (Please Kill Me Now)" didn't make the Best Of album.

metalmom - or the heroin will make me so thin they will finally find me attractive (last time I was hospitalized I got compliments for being slim and deathly pale). Heroin - is there any problem it can't fix?

Ricardo said...

The images prove you've lost none of your judgment skills and the diet will be right up there with the Atkins diet which worked wonders for many.

SJ said...

Ricardo - these pics are repeats so he is really not well.

Grant, It's OK if this occasionally is a sick blog. I mean blog regulars are like married without - mostly- the sex so in sickness and health etc.

PBS said...

Oh yuck, that doesn't sound like a good way to live at all. Hope it gets better for you soon.

GreenJello said...

Oy.

Get yourself some GOOD yogurt from the health food store, as well as some kefir. It will help repopulate your digestive tract with good stuff, now that the antibiotics have apparently killed it all off... Should improve your digestion, too.

Best way to uh... solidify things: Cook some brown rice, and mix it with unsweetened applesauce. Eat a bowlful. Bananas help, too.

Sam said...

I could damn near copy/paste this post into my own blog, man sick sure sucks.

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