Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Why Asian women make perfect wives

And, no ~deb, it’s not because of the submissive stereotype, which I don’t believe is true anyway. It’s because they’re all liars. I know that sounds like another bad stereotype, but stick with me and I’ll step you through the logic.

According to Chinese history, all the other Asian peoples originally came from China. Japan, for instance, was once a scattering of Chinese fishing villages until they formed their own nation. Therefore, all yellow peeps are ethnically Chinese.

China claims to have uncovered evidence that their society dates back as far as 10,000 BC, with primitive written languages possibly as far back as 3,000 BC. Therefore, according to Chinese history, they have existed as a functioning society for about 12,000 years.

However, according to xtian fundamentalists who believe the bibble is not only their spiritual guide but also a precise historical record (such as our revered leader, George W. Jebus Crast Bush), you can determine when god created the Earth by taking the date when St. John the Divine (a title which arouses no suspicion whatsoever) wrote his revelation and working backwards through the bibble. According to the experts, this shows the universe to be about 4,000 years old.

A conundrum – either the Chinese are lying to us, or the xtian fundamentalists are wrong. I might be tempted to blame the xtians, but remember that our glorious and brilliant leader, unanimously loved throughout the world, is a fundamentalist, and therefore their views must be correct. The dinosaurs never existed – god just created their bones to keep the paleontologists busy. Likewise, Eskimos don’t exist because the bibble makes no mention of them either. If you’ve seen an Eskimo, you’re obviously crazy. And the Chinese are a pack of little yellow liars.

To complete my syllogism:
1) The Earth is only 4,000 years old.
2) The Chinese claim they have been around for 12,000 years.
3) The Chinese are lying.

Which is exactly why an Asian woman would be perfect for me. Since I can’t believe anything she says, that justifies me in pretending that whatever she said was exactly what I wanted to hear, including my belief that when she screams “Let me out of this cage!” she really meant “Yes, I will marry you.” Ah, romance. Come to me, little Nihon no usagi.

Yes, it’s the dawn of a new age of cultural sensitivity on the old blog. Tomorrow – why homos have no sense of humour.


PBS said...

A lot of people are lying, no matter which side is incorrect. But I can't wait to find out why homos have no sense of humor.

Doug Murata said...

I thought the Christian argument was that the universe was 6,000 years old. But that's neither here nor there.

This reminds me of a skit I heard from a British comedian (Eddie Izzard.) I'll paraphrase: God created the world and He made man in His own image. But sixty five million years before that, God made the dinosaurs in the image of His cousin Ted. And He sent His only son, Jesus, down to preach the word of the Lord to the dinosaurs. "GROWL! SNARL!" said Jesus, trying to fit in. And then an Archeopterix came out of left field <whoosh> and took Jesus' head clean off. So God decided to kill off the dinosaurs. "I'll just turn the thermostat down to naught degrees Kelvin" said God. Then He took each dinosaur and put it into a stone. Then He spent the next sixty five million years twiddling His thumbs.

I've been saying for years that Asians lie. However, I'm half Japanese. Am I lying?

Joe said...

And here I thought that yellow peeps were delicious marshmallow and sugar treats that you see in the stores every Easter.

Clearly I have much to learn.

patti_cake said...

Oh boy I can't WAIT until tomorrow's post!

Leesa said...

I have heard the 4,000 years old or the 6,000 years old. I think the difference has something to do with miscounting on fingers and toes. This is an important issue that I must blog on. Thanks, Grant. I need more Bible blog entries. Everybody loves them!

Leesa said...


I notice you visited my site before I amended it to say I was on ddot's site today. Guest blogger.

Grant said...

pbs - I wasn't seriously planning to post on that topic, except to say that I've noticed organizations like GLAD seem to exist in order to find new and exciting ways of being offended.

doug - I'll have to assume you employ half truths, so I'll listen to half of what you say and I'll assume the rest is what I want to hear. Eddie Izzard rulz! And, yes, I would like to meat your sister. I meant "meet" - darned Freudian slips.

joe - yes, treat my blog as your one-stop shop for all things knowledge related.

leesa - maybe you can have Dani be your guest blogger.

leesa - I saw that since I'm also down with the king.

Video X said...

wow. this was very informative and entertaining. either it's genius or my laughter can be attributed to the fact that mentally i'm immature and i find many silly things to be hilarious. either way, it works for me. now when will you order your asiain bride?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

" when she screams “Let me out of this cage!” she really meant “Yes, I will marry you.”"

Umm...yeah, I guess I can see how you could get those two confused....;)

Doug Murata said...

Which half of the following statement would you listen to?

Both of my sisters are married. Sorry, Grant. However, they have their American directness with communication, they enjoy British and Canadian humour, and they were raised in a house heavily influenced with Japanese culture (i.e. manners.) Unfortunately, the accent is Californian, the attitude is American, and the ability to repel moose is non-existant.

hellbunny said...

You do have an interesting view on life and also any future wives you may have.

Angie said...

In this theory, Eskimo women -who most certainly would argue that they do exist - would then be liars (according to the bibble). And you would be justified in pretending to hear what you wanted from whatever she said. Yet you only apply this to Asian women. Hmmm, me thinks your hand picking through your theory to promote your yellow fever. :)

JohnB said...

A miasma of logic that I can get behind...but I thought the dinosaur bones were supposed to be WMD for those cave dwellers (see beginning of "2001, A Space Odyssey" for reference).

anchovy said...

I think the proper term these days is "h'mos" (pronounced "Moe's"). Ya, they definitely prefer to be called that. Oh, not funny? I'll stay tuned for the next post.

First time reader. Funny stuff.

Seven said...

Finally, I can't wait for tomorrow. I mean what's up with all these sourpuss queers?

Grant said...

video x - I've heard that question so many times I'm beginning to wonder if there really is such a thing.

pq - it's a problem I frequently have.

doug - I prefer to listen to "both of my sisters", then imagination takes over - "love and will marry you."

hellbunny - thanks. Let's hope it leads to fruition. None of my yellow blogpals has weighed in on the matter yet.

angie - Eskimos don't exist. Have you ever seen one?

johnb - the cavemen also didn't exist. God doodled on the cave walls while creating the universe.

anchovy - doesn't matter since they're pure fiction, like sprites and black Canadians (I've never seen those either).

rick - they're all fecking uptight Americans.

Tracy Lynn said...

I'm so glad I come here for the culture.

Hammy said...

My wife, a Korean, says that a Korean had sex with a monkey and that's where the Japanese came from. So the Chinese are lying about the origins of all other Asians as well. You might have something there Grant.

SJ said...

Hey we Indians have a 5000+ year old civilization too not to mention stone age tribes (who still maintain their lifestyle) in a the Nicobar islands.

Obviously the Stone age like the movie Ice Age is just a fictional film for kids. However Noah and his Ark are verified facts.

april said...

I would go out on a limb here and say that most women would tell you what you wanted to hear if it meant getting something they wanted. Kinda like men do when they want a piece of ass. "Yeah baby, I would LOVE to meet your parents over dinner tomorrow night."

Doug Murata said...

Wow, Hammy! That's quite a statement. I'm partially offended. (Well, not really.)

I took a Japanese Civilization and Culture class at University. According to the folklore, the gods arrived in Japan from the seas to the west. When asked where they came from, the pointed west. Historically, considering the origin of this tale, they pointed towards Korea. Also, that region of Japan is known to have several families that can be traced back to Korean ancestry. But there are tons of Japanese (most of the island's older population,) that denounce that as total myth (the Koreans crossing the Sea of Japan is the myth, not the gods landing and saying they came from the west.) These are the people that believe the Emperor is truly descended from the Sun Goddess Amaterasu. (WTF?!?)

Of course, this whole story means that Koreans are the Shinto deities that are worshipped daily by thousands of Japanese.

What have we learned, kids? Everyone but pious Europeans and their pious descendants are liars.

GirlGoyle said...

Ha! I like how you twist things around to make sense..for you! It's genius! Though, if you consier tha they are lying, therefore telling you what you want to hear then in reality they truely are subservient as they are doing just what you want/expect them to do - hence lie. OK...I just used the word "hence". That alone buys me a night in the cage.

Nika Laqui said...

I can't wait to hear tomorrow's post...

fatty ~ said...

my people were eating food with chopsticks when your people were still swinging from trees!

and yes, i'm a great liar - you still think i like you =P

Libélula said...

I'm really curious about tomorrow's Post, G...

fatty ~ said...

PS Greek mythology dates back to circa 9000BC when the Battle of Troy was set - written about Homer in The Illiad around 300BC[not sure about that date]

PBS said...

Come to think of it, my sister-in-law fits all of your earlier qualifications. She's little but probably could even repel moose if necessary. But she's taken, married to my younger brother.

krisbtterfly said...

p.s. on a completely different note, i was looking at your profile and saw your affinity for slayer. did you see them at ozzfest a few years back?

july 2004. hot & sweaty. Dimmu Borgir just finished (i can't seem to get into the corpse paint with them). slayer comes on and for once i'm in the pit- and i'm the only one with female mammary glands moshing. i was quite proud of myself. very good show, i say. very good show.

~Deb said...

Who was it that said they saw Mary the mother of Jesus---and Mary told them, "Don't trust the Chinese..."

Maybe she had something there! Great tidbits on the asian culture.

Now, are you asian yourself? I never knew if you were or not.

Grant said...

tracy - yes, I'm all about cultural sensitivity.

hammy - your wife should love my logic, especially when you start pretending that everything she says is whatever you want to hear (Thanks, honey, I'd love a cookie.)

sj - we've already established that you can't be trusted. :p

april - I know of no such men who behave in that manner. I, personally, am perfect in every sense.

doug - also we European / Cherokee mixes are purveyors of the Truth.

girlgoyle - come here, baby. Although if you want special attention, you'll need to use the words "thwart" and "discombobulate" as well.

nsane - it's not going to be what you're hoping for. I was just kidding about the gay bashing. I'm going after black people instead. :p

fatty - that's good proof of European superiority - 12,000 years of culture and nobody in China thought of a FECKING FORK!

libelula - sorry, I don't have much to say on the subject, but I will quickly address it.

fatty - I'm pretty sure the xtian bibble doesn't support Greek mythology either.

pbs - tell your brother I'll trade him.

krisbtterfly - I haven't seen them in concert since they played the Tabernacle in Atlanta. I don't go out much because it's no fun alone.

~deb - I'm not Asian, but I may convert to Japanese if it will get me chicks.

Liz said...

Yea, who buys in to all that dinosaur propganda? Don't forget earth is the center of the universe too.

Prata said...

Best post ever. lol

fatty ~ said...

I'm taking offence to that one :(

are you hintinh i'm not superior to the rest of the world?

Grant said...

liz - yes, the rest of the universe revolves around us. Galileo was full of crap.

prata - thanks, although you are not to be trusted.

fatty - I'm willing to concede that you, personally, are superior (especially your innovative spelling) if you in turn are willing to accept my marriage proposal.

See you next January. =)