Monday, March 09, 2009

Super Powers, pt. 1

I’m sick which makes me tired and boring. I actually managed to get off the toilet long enough this weekend to go to the grocery (cue theme music from Rocky). If you find that impressive, then you are unfortunately as sick or sicker than me. If it sounds pathetic, then I’m glad you don’t know the feeling, unless you are somebody I don’t like, in which case I hope you get killed with a hatchet.

Which is how I segue into a meme stolen from here. It’s long and I’m eager to milk it for all it’s worth, so I’m going to break it into smaller parts. It’s some kind of super power meme. Note – for purposes of this meme, I’m assuming that if you develop a super-power then your body will adapt to allow you to use it. For instance, if I had Superman’s strength and my vulnerability, I couldn’t do anything more impressive than breaking my own bones by flexing my muscles.

Would you rather have?

Invisibility or Flight?

Have you ever thought about how useless flight would be by itself? If you just enjoy flying around for the sake of flying (I wouldn’t – exposed to the elements, up high, ramming into birds, violating military airspace, etc.), it could be kind of fun, but actually useful? If you don’t have super strength, you’re not going to have much luck catching a body hurtling from a rooftop, and your arms would get tired lugging groceries. What kind of superhero could you be? “Look – up in the sky – it’s Cat Out of the Tree Man!” If terrorists took hostages, I could volunteer to fly to the roof of the building and once there – uh, I guess I’d have the proportionate strength and speed of a sick office worker. “It’s Useless Fat Guy on the Rooftop Man! We’re saved!”

On the other hand, with invisibility I could sneak into the showers at an all-girl Japanese boarding school. I can do that now, but the super power would cut down on screams and restraining orders. Plus I could urinate in public without being caught. Headline – “The Phantom Piddler Strikes Again!” Definitely invisibility for me.

Super Strength or Super Intelligence?

Before becoming sick, I already had super intelligence and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. (now I’m merely smarter than you) Ever notice that the villains are usually smart while the heroes are strong (think Superman vs. Lex Luthor or Hulk vs. Leader)? Vast intelligence gives you the ability to worry excessively and to create problems in your head so that you become your own worst enemy. I’ll take the strength. GRANT SMASH!!! Smashing things is fun.

Super Speed or Flight?

Assuming that with super speed comes the ability to run long distances so you can actually use the power, I would take it. If it means I still get winded running a quarter of a mile, then the ability to do that really freaking fast becomes less impressive. Although I guess I could grope J-bunnies in public and then run to a safe distance before they scream. If I’m fast enough, to the casual observer it will just appear that I suddenly started hyperventilating while sitting on a park bench.

Super Speed or Super Intelligence?

Intelligence is vastly overrated. Having lost some of mine, I was able to answer the age-old question “if your mind goes, will you miss it”? Not really. Super speed sounds cool though.

Super Speed or Super Strength?

Technically I think I could get a few more advantages out of speed, such as being able to run to work in less time than it would take to drive (thus saving fuel costs as well), but I have to go with strength. GRANT SMASH!!!


Avitable said...

1. Invisibility. Same reason.
2. Super Intelligence. You'll figure out how to give yourself super strength.
3. Super Speed. If you can run fast enough, you'll fly anyways.
4. Super Intelligence. See #2.
5. Super Speed. At great speeds, it would become strength as well, because you would be able to do things you couldn't do at normal speeds.

Anonymous said...

You sir, are 'teh awesome'
You had me near to tears with this one, I hated how long mine was, I should have cut it down but you, you just won yourself one slightly overused spunkified internet!

Monogram Queen said...

"unless you are somebody I don’t like, in which case I hope you get killed with a hatchet."

that right there, is why i'm Grant's #1 fan. That is all.

SJ said...

If I had the super powers a la Superman I would live on my own planet and visit earth only for the occasional drink or sex.

Grant said...

avi - getting super intelligence so you can figure out how to grant yourself other super abilities sounds like the "wishing for more wishes" cheat.

sam - I'm just trying to drag things out so I don't have to be too creative while sick.

mq - my #1 fan? Cool - I hope you have that on a coffee mug somewhere.

sj - if I had his powers, I would make myself the overlord and repopulator of Asia.

Avitable said...

I don't think so - if you have super intelligence, you'd be able to at least simulate those powers. You're super smart!

Grant said...

avi - I likened it to cheating since I assume the idea is to see which you would cherish more instead of finding the most creative way to rack up (kind of like the way, for the question "What would you do if you were omnipotent for a day?", most people don't allow the answer "Make myself omnipotent forever."). But I agree - super intelligence would be the way to go, unless you had super magic and could just wish things into existence instead of having to think them through.