Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Superdude, pt. III

Ability to control Light or the Ability to control Sound?
I can already control sound to a limited extent via the volume button, primal scream therapy, and farting, so I think light would be more fun. I could power-up my flashlight to the point where it crosses the line from harmless beam of light to light saber. Asking me a stupid question will get you a flashbulb in the eyes.

Control Electricity or Control Gravity?
Electricity sounds cooler on the outside, but it said “control” and not “generate”. That means my powers would be useless in the woods or a blackout, and my energy bill would skyrocket. On the other hand, I could really mess with dieters with the other one. Imagine the horror if, after a week of nothing but rice cakes and herbal teas, a woman steps on the scale to discover she just gained another three pounds. Then she would kill herself in despair and I could take her Reese’s peanut butter cups I know she’s hiding behind the whole grain pasta.

Control Electricity or Telekinesis?
Couldn’t I telekinetically control electricity? If not, I’ll still take it. The ability to literally undress women with my eyes trumps anything that runs up my electric bill.

Control Light or Control Electricity?
At this point, the alternative is so lame that I’ll go with electricity. I’ll probably just use it more in public so someone else can foot the bill. Like, I can sit in my cubicle and wait until I see someone just about to save their work, and then ZAP – blackout. Or if you invite me over and try to serve me the wrong beer (pretty much anything Dutch, Belgian, or American) then I’ll fry you AND leave you with a gigantic bill.

Control Gravity or Control Sound?
Controlling gravity would be way cooler than it might first sound. For instance, if I lowered my weight (or at least the gravity affecting me) I could bounce to work making “boingy – boingy – boingy” sounds. If you know me, you know I’m all about that. Also I could really mess with the doctors. “Despite the fact that I’m holding a meatball sub and a 32 oz. orange soda while you weigh me, I only weigh 8 pounds and 7 ounces*.” *Unlike all those dieters, I actually would be able to re-attain my original weight.

Teleportation or Flight?
Flight is for people who enjoy the trip, whereas teleportation is for people who just want to freakin’ be there already. Teleportation, definitely. There will be random sightings of a gaijin appearing in Tokyo who shouts “Bunny!” and then disappears.

Teleportation or Super Speed?
Super speed has many fringe benefits in addition to travel (such as being able to successfully jack off in 0.03 seconds), so it’s a keeper.

Teleportation or Phasing?
Phasing has the added benefit that I could rest my buttocks against your home and shart into your living room, but on the off chance that I may one day be healthy I’ll just go with teleportation. “Look – it’s Randomly Appearing J-Bunny Fetish Man!”

Typical J-Bunny

Create Illusions or Telekinesis?
I can’t think of a way to illusion a woman’s clothes off of her, so I’ll stay with telekinesis.

Master of Unarmed Combat or Master of Weapons?
Although I like pointy / stabby / hurty things, there are a lot of laws that add extra jail time for their use. The morality behind the legality must be that it’s more humane to batter people to death with your bare hands, and who am I to disagree with people who have law degrees? Besides, I don’t feel like lugging a bunch of heavy weapons around all the time.

Super Science or Magic?
Magic, because it doesn’t require an explanation.

Regeneration or Phasing?
Regeneration is one of those powers I’d rather not have to use because it only comes in handy if you’re hurt or sick, but since I am I would desperately love to have it.

Ability to Speak to Animals or Ability to Speak Any Language (animals DON'T count as a language!)?
I loved my dog, but I don’t think she had much of interest to say. “Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Okay, now pet me! Pet me! Pet me! …”

RIP

With the other power I could (fail to) impress Asian bunnies of all nations instead of just the Japanese.

Typical C-Bunny

Archery or Guns?
According to Rambo and ninja movies, plus the characters Hawkeye and Green Arrow, you can attach all kinds of cool things to arrows while guns are limited to just boring old bullets. Plus again, the law prefers you to kill people with a bow instead of a gun, and I want to be a complicit serial killer.

Of all the things already listed, what would you like to have the most?
Regeneration, obviously. If I could have it before getting sick, magic (assuming I have the ability to ward away germs) and invulnerability otherwise.

Bunny pics courtesy of the Asian Babe Fight of the Week site.

And, yes, there is a part IV. I told you this was long.

9 comments:

Avitable said...

Wow, this one's way too long. I'm not even going to try giving my answers this time.

NYD said...

To hell with all the superhero shit. I'm just here to see what new bunnies youve found.

Matt said...

Those bunny pictures have strange markings across the middle....Is this the internet version of the pages sticking together?

Leesa said...

I think you have fallen into a trap. This seems like some psychology test and now, based on your answers, some psychologist is disecting your psyche.

You are checking the mail for a check from Nigeria, aren't you?

Monogram Queen said...

I am not sure which super power I would pick above all. Very interesting food for thought. Of course I AM a greedy pig and would want them all!

Grant said...

Avitable - I felt sure I could count on you to rate the usefulness of phase sharting.

nyd - that's okay, I'm just using this meme as an excuse to post more bunny pics.

matt - apparently I didn't wipe off my screen between fapping and posting the images.

leesa - I did think this was a geeky sort of MMPI. Since you called it, if I get any offers of Nigerian riches I'll forward the e-mails to you.

mq - then go for magic and wish for all the other super powers.

SJ said...

Is it ...errr... THAT dog?

R said...

Um...wow. This goes on forever.

Grant said...

sj - that was my dog. She had the super ability to make you feel guilty if you didn't share all your food with her.

r - yes, it does.