Thursday, March 12, 2009

Superstuff, pt. Penultimate

Who would win? Superman or Batman?
I know most people would cheer for Batman because he dresses cooler and isn’t such a boy scout, but come on. Even if he has kryptonite in his utility belt, it’s flippin’ Superman – the guy who is invulnerable to everything except little green rocks, has nearly unlimited strength, can move at almost the speed of light, and can fry you with his eyes. It’s like Godzilla vs. a wiener dog. Superman by a landslide.

Who would win? Batman or Captain America?
I’d like to say Captain America just because I like him better, but Batman does have the advantage of more gadgets. Probably Bats.

Who would win? Superman or Hulk?
DC comics tend to make their heroes more powerful, so probably Superman, although I much prefer the Hulk. Superman doesn’t have witty dialog like “HULK SMASH!”.

What would you rather have? Iron Man's armor or Green Lantern's Power Ring?
The major flaw with Iron Man’s armor is that it lacks a/c. Also, I would hate to be trapped in it if I had to fart or make a quick run to the toilet. GL’s power ring is much more versatile, and green is my favorite color, so I'll take that.

What would you rather have? Thor's Hammer Mjolnir or Captain America's Shield?
GRANT SMASH! Hammer.

What would you rather have? Thor's Hammer Mjolnir or the power of SHAZAM?
When I was young, Captain Marvel (Shazam’s real name) was a popular Saturday morning TV show. I dressed as him for Halloween. Unfortunately, so did two other kids, a large coincidence in a village with less than 2,500 population. I rang one doorbell and an old lady answered by screaming “You done been here once!” She gave me one piece of candy, but continued to rail at me until she slammed the door in my face. My family laughed at me and I was too stunned to speak until it was too late. She later died one of those typical old people kind of deaths, wherein she apparently clubbed herself in the back of the head with a brick and then passed out, but not before turning on the gas and setting fire to her couch.

Oh, right. Hammer again.

Born on Krypton or exposed to Gamma Rays?
Being from Krypton gives you the power of Superman, but if the comics have scientifically proven anything, it’s that massive doses of gamma rays can impart almost any kind of super ability (history and science classes would have you believe that radiation can make you sick, but never mind their lies – they just don’t want you becoming more powerful than them). I’d roll the dice and see what the radiation would do for me. I’d probably get something bogus, like the ability to control the minds of water fowl. “Look – it’s Kick Your Ass with a Flock of Geese Man!” Evildoers beware indeed.

Born on Krypton or born in Asgard?
Asgard has more variety and the added benefit of not having exploded, so I’ll go with it. On the other hand, if you guarantee me that a) I can escape Krypton before it blows up and come to Earth where I’ll be super, and b) that all my relatives will be left behind to fry, then I’ll take Krypton if only to dredge their DNA from the galactic gene pool.

Born in Asgard or SHAZAM?
Whoever wrote this needs to realize that SHAZAM is an acronym describing Captain Marvel’s powers and not a location.

Exposed to Gamma Rays or SHAZAM?
Gamma – I have unpleasant childhood associations with Captain Marvel.

Born in Asgard or Exposed to Gamma Rays?
Gamma – some Asgardians are extremely powerful, but it’s not an automatic guarantee that you’ll have anything really special or that you’ll get to come to Earth to show off.

Bitten by Radioactive Spider or born on Krypton?
Bitten by a radioactive Kryptonian so I can rack up on super powers.

Bitten by Radioactive spider or SHAZAM?
Thoughts of SHAZAM are really stoking my hate.

Radioactive spider or Gamma Rays?
Jesus fucking christ this thing is long. And you're asking if I want radioactive spider powers or other radioactive powers? I'll go gamma again just to see what develops.

Radioactive spider or born in Asgard?
I really should have broken this into smaller pieces, or maybe skipped it altogether. Seriously, I had planned to finish this meme today, but there’s still much more to go so I’ll hold off until next week. To make up for the plethora of useless words (the Internet only had concise practical information until my blog screwed it up), allow me to close with the gift of bunny.

Bunny!

11 comments:

Sam said...

Batman is my bitch.

On another note, I just read this and it made me think of you: Japan picks "schoolgirl" among cute ambassadors - [link]

metalmom said...

Rock? Paper? Scissors?

I beat them all.

Avitable said...

Okay, I did this one. Just so you wouldn't cry.

1. If they're both in peak condition, Superman. If he's been beaten up and drained and is tired, Batman.
2. Batman. Captain America is more skilled fighting a group, not just one person.
3. Superman, without a problem.
4. GL
5. Mjolnir
6. SHAZAM - it's like being Superman
7. Born on Krypton
8. Born on Krypton
9. SHAZAM
10. SHAZAM
11. Asgard
12. Krypton
13. SHAZAM
14. Gamma rays
15. Asgard

Bridgeburners said...

Shazam? Goddamn, I'm getting childhood flashbacks.

My frakin reader is telling me you haven't posted in a week. I have to stop talking about getting rid of that bitch and toss her.

SJ said...

That Superman thing is scam. Krypton is probably an island off the Australian coast. First there was a Superman then a few years later Supergirl follows then suddenly a Superdog ... and I remember an uncle who (surprise) turns out to have not been on the planet when it exploded. I guess in the decade and a half since I quit reading they have Supercousin, super uncle, super-that-guy-who-molested-the-young-superman and so on.

Ricardo said...

I stayed away from DC comics as a kid because the heroes were too powerful. Superman is great but he is too powerful to really get me to feel like he's in danger. Therefore I went with Spiderman, the flagship character of the Marvel universe.

On Captain America vs.Batman, the gadgets on Batman would give an edge for sure but lets not forget Cap is a super solder injected with super serum giving him near superhuman ability which would work in his favor in hand to hand combat in my view.

Thor's hammer is infinitely more powerful than Cap's shield.

Hulk Superman would really make for an interesting fight but I feel it would be a battle to a draw even if Superman used his brains over muscle.

I'll take Spidey's abilities over the Hulks.

Superman vs Batman is not fair but there was a Superman vs Spiderman comic some years ago.

Monogram Queen said...

Okay can I just be Wonder Woman and call it a day?

Grant said...

sam - I saw that one already. Two of Japan's ambassadors of cute are dressed as underaged girls. Of course.

metalmom - bunny trumps all three.

avi - too late - the tears are already welling up in my eyes. As for Captain Marvel, I remember him best from the cheesy Saturday morning show. He was best described as the poor man's Superman.

bridgeburners - try using Google Reader. It updates more often.

sj - yeah, I got tired of all the people in the Superman world who were supposedly the last of their race. Being unique became kind of commonplace.

ricardo - for Superman, the question is not how can he save the day but how could he possibly fail? It seems like his villains are the ones at a disadvantage.

mq - she's hot, so go for it. Dress like her for work.

Gib said...

Dude, Batman scares everybody, even (especially?) his friends. Superman is held down by morality and not being completely bugnuts crazy like Batman is, plus Batman's a gazillionaire genius who knows Superman's weakness.

Grant said...

gib - I can see Batman has you on his payroll.

Gary Baker said...

Assuming you haven't already, you can get a pretty good view of a how a Superman/Batman fight would turn out. Batman lost, but he planned it that way. (And, not to make excuses, but Bats was way past his prime in that series.)