Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Country Music Stars Die!

'Tis the season for xmas music, which I generally love if not sung by country music stars. Best xmas song ever - O Holy Night sung by Nat King Cole. Worst one ever - same song by the Judds. While working in the office one December we softly played various compilations of xmas CDs. Since we were busy, most songs faded into the background, but not that one. When the Judds, who know as much about singing as I do underwater aardvark ranching, hit the high note and screeched "YONNN-DERRRR", everyone in the office dropped their work and looked up with an expression like I had just waved a fresh dog turd under their noses, which was true only half of the time.

Previously, while slaving in Kmart, they played a wide selection of xmas tunes (where wide = about 4) that included a show tunes version of Jingle Bells that somehow failed to rise to the level of competence normally displayed by kindergarten classes hitting the rum (sample lyrics - "Jajajajajaja Jingle Bells! Jajajajajaja Jangle Bells!"). This still wasn't as bad as the country music love ballad written to Santa Claus, wherein the singer managed to add an extra syllable to his name. Seriously - every line began with "Say-ant-uhhhhh..."

Which was not as bad as this one. I don't know the title, and I don't want to know. Rather than sing the lyrics, the woman primly pronounced each syllable as if it was made of glass. Actualy lyrics (that I can remember) were:

Little toy train
Little toy tracks
Placed in a box
Carried in a sack
Carried by a man
Dressed in white and red
Little boy, isn't it time you went to bed?

While driving home I literally had a vision of sugar plums dancing in my head shooting the woman in the face while she sang that feckin' song. I hated it so much that I couldn't purge it from my head until I wrote a short story called "A Brief Future of Television" that was like the Gong Show but with double-barreled 12 gauge shotguns. That was before the recent spate of reality-based TV shows, which just shows how hard it is to keep parody ahead of reality. The story was published in Black Petals, an actual print magazine, so at least some good came from the trauma.

Chinese Cheerleading Bunnies!

Happy Hannukwanzaaramadamasux ya'll.


Crys said...

i am going to call you and sing bluegrass into your cell.

Enemy of the Republic said...

On this we are in agreement. I like country music, except for the Christmas songs. The worst is Brad Paisley and Reba singing Christmas songs--cannot deal.

But I do like country music--let's say a friend got me into it. I used to only listen to the man in black, but now I like many more.

Gib said...

Twisted Sister has a Christmas album. That could be the cure for your holiday blues.

SJ said...

I am glad to have been spared this particular horror. Give me terrorists any day.

Monogram Queen said...

LMAO at Crys!

Happy Hannukwanzaaramadamasux to you too sweetie!

tiff said...

What i wantto hear is the Dreidl Song sung by Roy Orbison.

Wait - he's dead.

Randy Travis then. He's just nearly dead.

Grant said...

crys - Bluegrass is not country, you yankee igmo.

eotr - I think country stars who warp xmas songs should be considered legal hunting game.

gib - sounds good to me. Has to be better than Spinal Tap's "Christmas with the Devil".

sj - are you sure you don't want to trade? I'll toss in one of the Chinese cheer bunnies, except for the one on the far right.

mq - thanks.

tiff - xmas songs by the zombie Orbison sound good to me.

Joe said...

Interesting commentary on the KMart Christmas song selection. Usually guys are trying to convince people that long = about 4.

I'll see what I can do about finding you a J-bride if you can get the details on the Little toy train song.

Joe said...

Just looked up the lyrics and you're disturbingly close...

metalmom said...



*I made my head hurt all over again laughing at that!!

Kerry said...

I'm a fan of Trans Siberian Orchestra :) They don't have words... but I love the rock part of the music! I'll pass on the country Christmas.

Looking at those skinny girls make me remember... i'm hungry!

Grant said...

joe - I'll need the entire C-bunny team in the post if I'm to face that awful song again.

metalmom - ha ha, take it woman. :p

kerry - looking at those Asian hotties makes me hungry as well.

PBS said...

I like the regular, familiar Christmas songs, which doesn't include many (any?) country songs. At my son's school program they didn't sing ANY recognizable Christmas songs! The explanation was something about not wanting to mix religion and public education. I think it was more about not wanting to mix public education and good taste, heaven forbid!