Thursday, December 04, 2008

Brief Movie Reviews

Last night I saw some movies, one actually in the theatre. But before the movie, I was (of course) subjected to many commercials and movie trailers. Of the ones I remember:

Kid Rock's National Guard propaganda piece has been replaced by another rock video pro-Guard propaganda bit. It's a little better because the message is pounded home with a softer hammer and the video shows that the role of the military sometimes involves combat in addition to all the leadership and fun character-building adventures. I still have yet to see a propaganda piece that acknowledges that sometimes we win wars by killing enemy soldiers. Pop quiz - do we really need to advertise our military? Is there an American out there who dreams of joining the military but is unaware that our country (America) has one? If you want to join the military, do we actually offer a choice to join anyone's but our own (America's)? "Hi, I want to enlist in the all-female Japanese death-by-sex forces."

Army Bunny!

Mall Cop, despite the fact that any plot synopsis will make you groan (mall security officer takes on terrorists in Die Hard spoof), looks like it might actually be enjoyable assuming every funny gag wasn't shown in the trailer (see: Spies Like Us).

If you drink Coca-Cola, you're gay and have no sense of humour.

If the trailer gives an accurate portrayal, the next Star Trek movie looks to be a mind-numbing sfx extravaganza and any plot and dialog that sneak into the film will have to battle for attention. It's the sort of film that needs to come with a "May cause seizures" warning.

After several other trailers (Adam Sandler, Tom Cruise and Will Smith refuse to stop making movies), the longest trailer of them all started. Several minutes later I realized I was watching the feature film, Quantum of Solace. After Casino Royale's promise of great things to come, this was a serious letdown. Daniel Craig continues to impress, but his acting is upstaged by action sequences made by and for people with life-threatening cases of ADHD. Some of the sequences had so many quick cuts that I had trouble following the action, and others (especially one involving a gun battle on a scaffold) looked like they had been designed by Rube Goldberg. More suspense, less action, and the ability to hold a shot for more than a nanosecond would probably aid the next film.

Kunoichi - Lady Ninja: a Japanese (natch) blood and titty film. Okay, but not enough of either. For the best of J-horror/porn (it's really hard to tell them apart), go with Female Yakuza Tale. The lead character gets naked and kills people while the opening credits roll.

Machine Girl, or as it's called in the original Japanese, Mashin Gaaru: a Japanese blood and more blood film. No nudity, although the lead character wears a variety of sexy schoolgirl outfits. She's a high school girl who loves her little brother and suffers abuse at the hands of her parents (at one point her father beats her with a golf club, then her mother dips her arm in tempura batter and fries it). When her brother is killed by yakuza, she goes out for revenge. After losing an arm, she goes to her mechanic friends (because a hospital would have been silly) and has a prosthetic gun attached. Enjoying her new found power, she voluntarily sacrifices her other limbs in order to have other weapons installed. After this, the movie has a tendency to turn violent. Fortunately, she leaves her breasts and vagina intact, so I still find her hot.I give it a four out of five (naked lesbian sex with the hot mechanic would have earned the final star).

Cyborg Bunny!


Monogram Queen said...

This is why I don't go to many movies these days!

Avitable said...

I absolutely despise those National Guard commercials. Anything that glorifies the military is an outright lie.

april said...

I wish I knew a hot mechanic who could make a prosthetic weapon for me. Like Cherry in Grindhouse. I actually tried to be her for Halloween, but I couldn't make anything that would allow me to walk.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Looking for Grant's blog, but I think I found Roger Ebert--my bad.

There are ads for the military on Warcraft games too. Appealing to the demographic---rumor has it they need folks.

messiah said...

Meh.... Bruce Campbell did it first. Mind you he did stop at just the hand, and never (thankfully wore) any schoolgirl outfits.

Army of Darkness for anyone who doesn't know. SHAME. Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

The photos are too pretty, I'm having difficulty concentrating on your words. OK but Machine Girl sounds cool.

Grant said...

mq - you should rent Machine Girl for the family.

avi - the Kid Rock one would have been better if, instead of kicking the soccer ball back to the kids, the hero had mowed down the children with his machine gun and then been awarded a medal for making the world safe for democracy.

april - weapon prostetics are easier to manage in place of an arm instead of a leg. Keep that in mind next time you decide to take such drastic weight-loss measures.

eotr - WoW geeks are exactly who I want protecting this country. Nothing else says "professional soldier" better.

messiah - Ash lost the hand in Evil Dead 2. Shame be upon thee.

jgrrl - it needed boobies and lesbian sex, but the non-stop gore partially made up for it.

Tracy Lynn said...

You are the worst film critic ever. I LOVE Coca Cola, you bastard.

Grant said...

tracy - I like Coke, too. It's the unfunny gay in me coming out.

Joe said...

I'd imagine that the increase weapon power made her even more attractive to you.

I heard the same thing about QoS. It's a shame because it appeared that the series was back on track. Hopefully the next one will get it right.

NYD said...

You watch more Japanese movies than I do. Damn that's a hoot. I never even heard of machine girl.

You should see the bunnies they have on recruitment posters here.

~Deb said...

I drink Coca-cola, and guess wha?

PBS said...

Machine Girl sound good! And, um, I drink Coca-Cola and am not gay. I think you are just talking about those who drink DIET cola, yuck.

The National Guard is a hot employer in our new economy, didn't you know?

Grant said...

joe - yes, increased killing power = sexy.

nyd - show me the recruitment bunnies. Or just mail them to me.

~deb - repent your drinkage of Coca Cola.

pbs - it's beginning to look like the military may become our country's only viable workplace option.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Bashing Tommy, I can see...Adam too...but you're bashing Will Smith? I LOVE the guy.

So what's the deal with Diet Coke then? Will it make me bi???

Grant said...

pq - have one and make out with an Asian schoolgirl, then let me know how it went.