Brief Movie Reviews

Last night I saw some movies, one actually in the theatre. But before the movie, I was (of course) subjected to many commercials and movie trailers. Of the ones I remember:

Kid Rock's National Guard propaganda piece has been replaced by another rock video pro-Guard propaganda bit. It's a little better because the message is pounded home with a softer hammer and the video shows that the role of the military sometimes involves combat in addition to all the leadership and fun character-building adventures. I still have yet to see a propaganda piece that acknowledges that sometimes we win wars by killing enemy soldiers. Pop quiz - do we really need to advertise our military? Is there an American out there who dreams of joining the military but is unaware that our country (America) has one? If you want to join the military, do we actually offer a choice to join anyone's but our own (America's)? "Hi, I want to enlist in the all-female Japanese death-by-sex forces."

Mall Cop, despite the fact that any plot synopsis will make you groan (mall security officer takes on terrorists in Die Hard spoof), looks like it might actually be enjoyable assuming every funny gag wasn't shown in the trailer (see: Spies Like Us).

If you drink Coca-Cola, you're gay and have no sense of humour.

If the trailer gives an accurate portrayal, the next Star Trek movie looks to be a mind-numbing sfx extravaganza and any plot and dialog that sneak into the film will have to battle for attention. It's the sort of film that needs to come with a "May cause seizures" warning.

After several other trailers (Adam Sandler, Tom Cruise and Will Smith refuse to stop making movies), the longest trailer of them all started. Several minutes later I realized I was watching the feature film, Quantum of Solace. After Casino Royale's promise of great things to come, this was a serious letdown. Daniel Craig continues to impress, but his acting is upstaged by action sequences made by and for people with life-threatening cases of ADHD. Some of the sequences had so many quick cuts that I had trouble following the action, and others (especially one involving a gun battle on a scaffold) looked like they had been designed by Rube Goldberg. More suspense, less action, and the ability to hold a shot for more than a nanosecond would probably aid the next film.

Kunoichi - Lady Ninja: a Japanese (natch) blood and titty film. Okay, but not enough of either. For the best of J-horror/porn (it's really hard to tell them apart), go with Female Yakuza Tale. The lead character gets naked and kills people while the opening credits roll.

Machine Girl, or as it's called in the original Japanese, Mashin Gaaru: a Japanese blood and more blood film. No nudity, although the lead character wears a variety of sexy schoolgirl outfits. She's a high school girl who loves her little brother and suffers abuse at the hands of her parents (at one point her father beats her with a golf club, then her mother dips her arm in tempura batter and fries it). When her brother is killed by yakuza, she goes out for revenge. After losing an arm, she goes to her mechanic friends (because a hospital would have been silly) and has a prosthetic gun attached. Enjoying her new found power, she voluntarily sacrifices her other limbs in order to have other weapons installed. After this, the movie has a tendency to turn violent. Fortunately, she leaves her breasts and vagina intact, so I still find her hot.I give it a four out of five (naked lesbian sex with the hot mechanic would have earned the final star).