Friday, October 31, 2008

Possible Intelligent Post

I’m going to do something today I normally avoid – actually post something useful. Here in the Southeastern portion of the United States (known as the bible belt, or jebusland to me) a lot of the xtian propaganda slingers make claims that our laws are based on the ten commandments. What bugs me more than the fact that this is obviously untrue is that many members of the mouth-breathing public simply respond by nodding their heads and saying “I’m sure that’s right”, same as when PETA posted billboards claiming Jesus was a vegetarian. So today I’m going to examine the ten commandments and see how many, if any, are actually on the law books. I’m basing this on my limited knowledge of the law, learned in public high school social studies classes I rarely attended in favor of smoking dope, so the lawyers among you can feel free to correct me.

Note: I know there are many versions of the ten commandments, but I’m going to use the ones I grew up with. If your religion differs, please understand that I truly do not care unless you can prove that your god will help me go on dates with hot Asian chicks, specifically the two waitresses at my local Thai restaurant. For Halloween one wore devil horns and the other wore a schoolgirl-style mini skirt with heels and black stockings. I love both of them deeply. Now I have to go masturbate to relieve the pressure, but when I return I’ll get back to whatever it was I was talking about.

Right – laws based on the ten commandments. Let’s start with:

#1: Do not have any other gods before me. Often called the most important commandment by the xtians who rank the commandments (as opposed to the ones who claim all are equally important), this is prohibited by the first article in our Bill of Rights which says in part “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” – what is often referred to as the separation of church and state. So, not only is it not a law, it cannot be made into a law in our country, something I’m sure that irks the fundies like Jebus W. Bush.

#2: You shall not make or worship a false idol. Again, separation of church and state.

#3: You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Sorry, but no god-damned laws on that either, although some obscenity laws may apply in a pinch.

#4: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Not only am I sometimes forced to work seven days a week, but I make extra money for working Saturday and Sunday. In this case the labor laws reward us for breaking a commandment.

#5: Honor your father and your mother. Thank the zombie jebus that’s not a law. I hope both of my parents are dead, or at least in crippling pain.

#6: You shall not kill. Finally, one that is actually against most secular laws, although there are extenuating circumstances that allow you to bypass it, such as to save your life or the life of another or if you join the military and kill whoever belongs to a country we don’t currently like. In the 80’s we sold military equipment to the Iraqis. Now they make good pop-up targets.

#7: You shall not commit adultery. Many states do have this one on the law books, but it’s typically treated as passé. A friend sued for divorce after a private eye obtained evidence of his wife’s sluttery, but the judge dismissed the charges and granted the divorce citing irreconcilable differences. This was in Alabama too, so if Alabama isn’t going medieval on your ass you know the rest of the country has dropped it as well (Texas may be a possible exception).

#8: You shall not steal. Okay, finally one on the law books without exception, unless you count the fact that some states do allow looting for food and necessities in emergencies.

#9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Other than tort laws involving contracts and perjury on the witness stand, we don’t have any laws against lying. If we did, we’d have to automatically lock up everyone who won an election.

#10: You shall not covet your neighbour’s swag. Covet away – it’s legal, and calorie-free.

So, two commandments coincide with the secular laws, two kinda sorta apply under certain circumstances, and the other six either don’t apply or are forbidden by our country’s (USA) constitution. If this offends your xtian sensibilities, allow me to say by means of sincere apology HA HA HA bend over and take it, twits.

Damn, those waitresses were hot. I’m going to have to eat a lot more Thai food in the future. Time to hit the masturbatorium again.

Happy Halloween, everybody. Jebus may love you, but Satan has the best tunes.


Anonymous said...

Your area is not the only place where they spout that biblical law crap. I respect people with Faith and beliefs no matter what they are but dammit, no religion should rule the freakin' legal system, its just unfair and wrong. No way could it fit every person and forcing everyone to fall under one religious system is ... *sigh* just bad...

Those commandments? I have broken every one but #6 and I tried but it was an epic fail. It was for a good cause though, totally warranted and just. Actually - every time I broke one I had just cause... Even better -its not even my system so ...

Still, fundies *shudder* bad bad scene...

Enemy of the Republic said...

Stealing is perfectly legal in the United States. It's called income tax.

Matt said...

Just be grateful there isn't a commandment that prohibits anal sex with Asian girls.

SJ said...

A reward for posting this: !

I try not to kill don't know much longer I can stay that way. If I am not married only the partner is am I committing adultery or merely being an accomplice?

Leesa said...

Hey, if I were going to visit your site, why in the world would I want to read soemthing that is useful?

You know, perhaps Monday, I think I am going to try to turn this useful post on its head. It is the least I can do for someone who is in bejebusland.

Crys said...

i like jesus and resent this entire post

metalmom said...

I like Jesus and I grew up with the 10 Commandments. But nothing makes me more ashamed of my religion than the fundamentalists who pick and choose the parts of Christianity that fit into their agendas.

I understand the separation of church and state and I wish everyone else did too.It's there for a reason.

Nice post, Grant.

Jebus Defender said...

My god will smite your false idol.

I was googling the Ten Commandments and came across your blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm really impressed with that. Good post.


Grant said...

jgrrl - I haven't done #7 and I regret doing #8, but otherwise breaking commandments is fun and profitable.

eotr - and then there's corporate tax law, an entire industry based on theft.

matt - actually, I read that under this administration a federal law was passed that makes it illegal for an American traveling abroad to have sex with a prostitute under 18 (even when legal in the host country), so there go my plans for an underaged Thai bunny.

sj - the fundies would definitely say you are an adulterer if your partner was married, but then there are some fundamentalists who claim every person is guilty of breaking every commandment because harboring ill thoughts are just as bad as committing them.

leesa - I'm sorry. I'll try to post more pics of hot Asian women.

crys - for once, Jesus is on my side. Neener neener neener.

metalmom - remember the senate hearings on the evils of heavy metal? That was tax money well spent.

jebus defender - my false idol has the best tunes.

knot - thanks, but as Leesa already pointed out it fell short of my usual standard with hot Asian women.

Joe said...

Excellent points, though if this ever comes up in a debate I'd encourage you not to close with the masturbation line. It tends to undermine the argument.

Grant said...

joe - I'll resist the masturbation line, but if I'm in a debate and the Thai bunnies are in attendance I intend to use the podium to shield the audience from my wanking.

Turnbaby said...

You stand uncorrected and thanks for making this lawyer laugh--a lot.