Hippy Halloween

In honor of the holidays, I’d thought I’d tell a lovely tale involving underaged sex, boobies, and witchcraft. Long time readers (if I have any) may recognize this as a story I told already, but I don’t care. I’m writing it again, so you can all READ IT AGAIN. Asshats.

Once upon a time there was a thirteen year-old girl who was sent to a Baptist bible camp for a week. After a couple of days, the camp secretary called her father (my coworker) and asked him to remove his daughter from their camp because she had been caught practicing witchcraft. By way of expressing my sympathies I offered to pay his daughter if she could curse a few people I didn’t like, but he somehow failed to see the humor in the situation. Being the good xtian parent that he was, he grounded his daughter on the basis that strange adults had expressed their disapproval before finding out the actual story.

I’m always angered when I hear about schools and churches who punish kids for practicing witchcraft, not so much because of their narrowmindedness but because 1) the fact that they’re punishing the practitioners seems to indicate they believe in witchcraft, and 2) I don’t know of a single case where any of the spells actually worked. Bunch of pathetic Satanic wusses – no wonder American craftsmanship is so shoddy. All of my death spells work, even if sometimes my wand (read: chainsaw) needs the help of the gods, which is what I named my flamethrower.

Anyway, after questioning the kids and adults, another story emerged. His young daughter, on her way to obesity, had made an early stop at maturity by having a figure most J-bunnies could only have after several twinkies and major surgery. This enraged the flat-chested fifteen year-old bible camp princess (the granddaughter of the camp’s matriarch and patriarch) so she enlisted the help of a boy to have sex with the 13yo in order to discredit her. The 13yo refused his advances, so he did the only mature thing he could and slapped her bible from her hand. When it hit the ground, the CD insert she was using as a bookmark tumbled out. The boy looked at the artwork and the pop band and declared that she was practicing witchcraft, to which she replied “Yeah, and I’ll put a spell on you.” That gave princess no-boobies and her henchman all the ammo they needed, and they reported to the camp leaders that the 13yo had pagan artwork and was threatening people with witchcraft. The adults decreed that she should be immediately removed, preferably before turning anyone into toads.

The story would have been more interesting if the kids all had sex, then the 13yo ripped the boys heart out and offered it up to Lucifuge, but then again reality is always a major letdown. The girl was released from being grounded after the truth emerged, and to my knowledge has not cast another spell. Although, come to think of it, my coworker never did mention running into any of the others again.