Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hippy Halloween

In honor of the holidays, I’d thought I’d tell a lovely tale involving underaged sex, boobies, and witchcraft. Long time readers (if I have any) may recognize this as a story I told already, but I don’t care. I’m writing it again, so you can all READ IT AGAIN. Asshats.

Once upon a time there was a thirteen year-old girl who was sent to a Baptist bible camp for a week. After a couple of days, the camp secretary called her father (my coworker) and asked him to remove his daughter from their camp because she had been caught practicing witchcraft. By way of expressing my sympathies I offered to pay his daughter if she could curse a few people I didn’t like, but he somehow failed to see the humor in the situation. Being the good xtian parent that he was, he grounded his daughter on the basis that strange adults had expressed their disapproval before finding out the actual story.

I’m always angered when I hear about schools and churches who punish kids for practicing witchcraft, not so much because of their narrowmindedness but because 1) the fact that they’re punishing the practitioners seems to indicate they believe in witchcraft, and 2) I don’t know of a single case where any of the spells actually worked. Bunch of pathetic Satanic wusses – no wonder American craftsmanship is so shoddy. All of my death spells work, even if sometimes my wand (read: chainsaw) needs the help of the gods, which is what I named my flamethrower.

Anyway, after questioning the kids and adults, another story emerged. His young daughter, on her way to obesity, had made an early stop at maturity by having a figure most J-bunnies could only have after several twinkies and major surgery. This enraged the flat-chested fifteen year-old bible camp princess (the granddaughter of the camp’s matriarch and patriarch) so she enlisted the help of a boy to have sex with the 13yo in order to discredit her. The 13yo refused his advances, so he did the only mature thing he could and slapped her bible from her hand. When it hit the ground, the CD insert she was using as a bookmark tumbled out. The boy looked at the artwork and the pop band and declared that she was practicing witchcraft, to which she replied “Yeah, and I’ll put a spell on you.” That gave princess no-boobies and her henchman all the ammo they needed, and they reported to the camp leaders that the 13yo had pagan artwork and was threatening people with witchcraft. The adults decreed that she should be immediately removed, preferably before turning anyone into toads.

The story would have been more interesting if the kids all had sex, then the 13yo ripped the boys heart out and offered it up to Lucifuge, but then again reality is always a major letdown. The girl was released from being grounded after the truth emerged, and to my knowledge has not cast another spell. Although, come to think of it, my coworker never did mention running into any of the others again.


Anonymous said...

Oy, humorous and tragic, well told and yet leaving me wanting more - wow, its like marriage!

I sense a ring of truth to this though and it scares me, please can you look under my bed for crazy fundies? I don't wanna sleep no more...

Enemy of the Republic said...

Who you calling asshat, asshat?

GreenJello said...

I think the real asshats are the camp people... sheesh.

Crys said...

make it stop

SJ said...

There were wicked witches in my school we also called them teachers.

Joe said...

And of course in true fundamentalist fashion the people who were to blame didn't suffer at all for their actions.

And I'm pretty sure that all death spells work....eventually.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...


I just love it when you call us those pet names...;)

Grant said...

jgrrl - don't worry, gravity keeps most of the crazy fundies in the Southeast. Check out the story of the West Memphis 3 for further examples.

eotr - I'm calling you asshat, asshat. :p It's my way of expressing my love.

greenjello - I agree.

crys - I will put the Voodou death curse of Zorzan upon them for you.

sj - we had those too. Our cultures are so similar.

joe - the perps live in rural Georgia and probably eat a lot of fried foods, so my death curse will probably work within another ten years or so.

pq - it's my way of showing my appreciation for you all.