Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Nobody has asked how I’m doing lately. I assume this is not because you don’t care, but because you are intimidated by my newly enlarged penis. Keep reading.

First, the billing saga continues. In July I was told my main three hospital bills would be written off completely by August. In August I called the billing office and was told it would be done by September. In September I received one automated phone message per bill telling me to call the hospital admin office because my bills were unpaid. I spent over a week calling daily only to have muzak blared into my ears before being told by a cheerful recording that I would have to leave a message. Today I finally reached a person who confirmed that my bill is due to be written off but financial aid is still processing it. Apparently writing off a medical bill involves lugging sheets of lead up Mount Olympus and then performing the mystical rites of Zorn until they turn into unicorns that crap gold.

Admin gave me the phone number to financial aid, which I found disconnected but the recording gave me three new numbers to try. The first two gave me cryptic voicemail with no explanation of the department I reached, but the third went to an actual person who confirmed that the bills will be written off at the end of this month. They said they were waiting for a signature, which I presume meant the Mt. Olympian lead unicorn who was constipated. They should have put him on antibiotics.

I’m sure that since the hospital is still sending me bills and phone messages saying said bills are unpaid that they are also trashing my credit rating, but that’s okay. They were also kind enough to send me enough other bills that I will be paying them off for the next two years, so I won’t be able to buy anything more expensive than dinner anyway.

So, I’ve been trying to eat well and exercise in the hopes that I will not regain the weight I lost and/or die in the meantime. Last night I ate a vegetarian meal – steamed edamame and boiled lima and butterbeans. Well, it was vegetarian if you don’t count the bacon in the beans. Or the fact that they were cooked in chicken stock. But other than the chicken and bacon, the meal was totally vegan. Also I walked a whopping 1.5 miles on the treadmill and managed to exceed 3 mph in speed. I’m so manly.

Then I put on my slimmer pants I bought to fit my thinner yet weaker body and I discovered they don’t fit so well. They’re fine through the waist, but are now tighter in the crotch. It appears I’ve gained penis. That, or the seams shriveled in the dryer. I don’t know who decided that men’s pants need the seams running right through the junk area. Note to men’s fashion designers – guys don’t like things designed to lift and separate.

So that’s it. I’m welling up thanks to tea and my vegan lifestyle, no bunny loves me, I’m broke, virile, and no longer hung like a Tic-Tac. Life is good-ish. I think I’ll wait until I’m fully well and out of debt before committing suicide. I no longer wish I was dead, but I’m a big fan of irony.


Kerry said...

You crack me up.

That billing stuff pisses me off. I had two crowns done in February (against my better judgement because I told them I didnt have the money to pay for ONE which was originally scheduled, because I was going on a cruise) and they were to be turned into BOTH of my dental insurance companies. Mine was primary, and Richards was secondary. It confused the billing lady (of course). ANYWAY each month i've received a bill and each month I call to make sure all is ok b/c I shouldnt really owe much since I have 2 insurances paying. Each month she tells me to ignore them b/c we're waiting on insurance. Yesterday, the had called me to tell me "we have to work out some payment because i'm over 90 days behind on paying". WTF!?!?!? oh i was pissed. I asked her if BOTH insurance companies had paid... and after some silence and confused looks (on her part) she said she'd never turned it into the second company. Dumbass. So, now we're back to waiting on insurance payment.

Good luck. Hope you get to feeling better soon. This sure has been a long sickness!

*japanese kisses*

Avitable said...

Maybe you should audition for Japanese porn - they like hung American men.

SJ said...

If my penis was any larger I would be paying taxes in two countries.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh I SO agree with Avitable.....Japanese porn would be your dream job, one would think.

Keep working out so you can build up some stamina!!! ;)

Monogram Queen said...

Hey at least you aren't hung like a tic-tac. Let's focus on the positive here!

Grant said...

kerry - I wonder if the widespread incompetence in medical billing is actually deliberate. I've heard claims that as long as they show they are owed money, they can use that as tax write-off material.

avitable - I could certainly use the extra money as long as they don't cast me in some dog rape incest scenes. I'm bored with those already.

sj - sure, we believe you. Maybe you should try out for Japanese porn.

pq - I'm going to need to do some different calisthenics to prepare for J-porn.

Grant said...

mq - I've definitely moved up into pencil territory.

NYD said...

I believe that you might want to return to a snack sized proportions. Japanese women are afraid of a prodigious trouser trout

Anonymous said...

Thankfully my med bills are *mostly* covered (if I can get the bastard doctor to write to the formulary), I'd hate to be in your position...

But, the issue is getting the idiots to even bother ordering the freakin' treatments, they keep saying they want to "observe" and that just means they keep bringing me back to the office as many times as they can so they can bill medicare for the visit, if I'm well - there are no visits thus no medicare payments... Bye bye golf holidays...

Hang in there bro, from one invalid to another - you're not alone.

P.S. Gaining penis is not such a bad thing, I'd do it myself but...


PBS said...

Hospital and medical bills are insane. I'm fighting some that were double-billed and one set sent to a collection agency. Good luck with it all. The food sounds really good and the exercise healthy. Hang in there! (ha ha)

Joe said...

So...how are you doing?

Note to self: Adopt a vegan lifestyle immediately

Grant said...

nyd - this is why I think a Japanese woman would be perfect for me. Their tiny hands are a good fit for my trouser minnow.

jgrrl - with luck, I will never make another visit to the hospital until I drop dead.

pbs - I've heard a lot of tales of double billing - must be good business for them.

joe - it's easier to go vegan than you think. I suggest a meal of a single piece of iceberg lettuce garnished with a nice bacon double cheeseburger topped with chili cheese fries.

metalmom said...

I would have asked how you were doing but you would have told me and whined about it, and I'd have gotten depressed or bored and shot myself in the head.

So you see,it's not you, it's me and my damn survivor instinct!

Monogram Queen said...

Okay I had to come back again today and re-read just to laugh.
You kill me. If someone around you would just take the time to get to know you - you are really a gem Grant.
If I weren't married, with western-girl thunder thighs i'd make a move on you myself *wink*

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

I hate insurance companies and doctors. I was told by a dentist I needed a root canal and if I didn't have it I would be in a world of hurt.

I am a princess when it comes to my mouth. I got a second opinion and I didn't need one.

Bottom line, they are after more money. Just a tip, because I use to work in benefits while in HR. LOOK at your explanation of benefits, always. Question everything.

I hope you feel better and it seems like you are living a better lifestyle. Oh and I didn't forget about you, I have a blockbuster card with your name on it. Considering I don't want to send you a care package with crap and processed shit. Which I live on.

I haven't had a chance to mail it with my children. Darlings that they are.

Okay so what will a Vegan lifestyle do for me?

Grant said...

mm - stop with the sappy love prose already - I can only take so much. :p

mq - good - keep coming back and commenting so I don't have to think up any new material.

ssc - your children sound great, but I don't really want you to mail them to me. I assume if you turn vegan it will enhance Joe's penis, so get on it. The vegan diet I mean.

tiff said...

I read this whole post with a British accent. Sounded pretty good. :)

Congrats on the size-expansion. All those buddhist monks must really be packing heat, huh?