Fun with Billing

So, to recap on my recent life:

In May I turned 39 and cancelled my insurance because I never need medical treatment and, if an emergency did occur, I'm a combat veteran of the United States Army and I'm covered by the Veterans’ Administration for life.

In June I got deathly ill, dragged myself to the VA hospital and learned that due to a new policy enacted this year, I'm no longer eligible for treatment by them. Surprise! I went to a clinic, was told I was too far gone for them to help and that I should get to an ER right away, so I did that, endured three surgeries and three hyperbaric treatments over the next six days, then (barely) managed to get back home and collapse. That was June.

In July I spent the month getting daily antibiotic treatments, living with a permanently upset stomach, and having the local medical community bill the shit out of me. I expected one bill from the hospital. Ha ha – silly me. I feel like a medical virgin who’s been anally deflowered by an elephant wearing a spiked leather condom. As it turns out, they bill separately by department, by doctor, by service, by date, etc. Each hospital unit bills according to their own standards beamed in from planet Pachyderm Sodomy. Add to that, while I was un- or semi-conscious they had, by a conservative estimate, every person in the Western hemisphere parade through my room for a consult. I’m pretty sure I owe a bill to my nurse’s brother’s uncle’s dentist’s florist’s dog. His name is Booger. Bad dog – no biscuit! Anyway, I spent the rest of the month calling all the hospital departments to make payment arrangements because there’s no possible way I can pay all at once.

So now, well into August, I am receiving hospital bills almost daily – some new, some revisions, some threats to pay before they turn me over to collections who will, I assume, feed me to rabid warthogs. After applying for financial aid several times, the hospital sent me a nice letter saying they had revised my bill down to $0, then added about $5k in charges to the original amount and told me to pay up immediately or suffer the wrath of Zuu-Zuu. I spent an hour Sunday writing a pile of $25 checks so nobody could claim I didn’t send them anything, but I’m not sure what else to do at this point. I can’t make a serious commitment to pay because a) I don’t know how many more bills to expect, b) as with their medical advice, no two people at the hospital will ever tell me the same thing, c) it will take me about six years to pay my current bills if I dedicate a full third of my take-home pay to the hospital (assuming nothing bad requiring money happens over the next six years), and d) I’m expecting about $15k more in bills from the departments that I know exist.

On top of that, I received a letter from a group and / or person called Chamberlin Edmonds that says they will attempt to help me find government assistance to pay for the hospital bill that is supposed to now be $0 anyway. I wonder if this is the same government that owns the VA hospital? Anyway, I’m suspicious of anyone who sends me a letter asking me to call and swears it will not cost me a thing, but maybe I should give them a try. My cell phone has a backlog of minutes and I never get tired of applying for financial aid only to be told I’m in that most wonderful of categories, the working class – just enough money to pay for government programs but not to benefit from them.

Or maybe I should just take my chances with the warthogs.