Friday, August 15, 2008

New Roles in the Universe

This morning every time I started my work PC it announced that Microsoft had a Windows update for me that required a reboot. I updated, rebooted, tried to get back to work, and then received another message that I had to update and reboot. So, today I am a professional rebooter. Let me know if you want to pay me to drop by and restart your computer. I charge a lot, but I'm good - 100% success rate today.

I recently rewatched Iron Man (now my 3rd favorite comic-inspired movie after Sin City and The Dark Knight) in the theatre and drank a large diet Coke, as did my friend. He had to go to the bathroom twice to my nonce during the movie. I also noticed others who had to go before the end. Then my destiny was revealed to me as I sat there in the dark, my feet glued to the floor by half-masticated JuJuBes - I am Bladder Man! Armed with a bladder of steel, fighting to make the world safe for justice and freedom (by which I mean sex with Japanese hotties), Bladder Man rushes to the scene of the crime and, uh... doesn't make wee-wee on anything. Okay, I'm no Captain Hammer, but how many of you out there think you can match bladders with me? So, good citizens, call on me if you need something not urinated upon. Because I've totally got your back.

"I didn't make that mess - I'm Bladder Man! Now have sex with me, little J-bunny."

Then I realized my super suit would have the initials BM on it, so the deal is off.


Monogram Queen said...

If I saw "BM" I would think Bowel Movement heh heh...

SJ said...

Hmmm... no...don't need either of your

Crys said...

no matter what, i go to a movie, i don't even drink something, and i have to pee three times. it's always a strategic guessing game: if i go NOW will i miss anything vital? or NOW? whatabout NOW? the danger in riding that kind of lightning, Grant, is the whole peeing where you sit part, which is uncomfortable true, but mainly just highly inappropriate.

i don't think you're bladder man, this is my point. i think you're just peeing where you sit, and then telling us lies.

oh i call you out. i call you out every day of your life

Crys said...

oh my god. i just read the most awesome review on japanese sex clubs and totally thought of you. i have to find it and print it here because NOW I KNOW YOU. I SEE YOU AND KNOW YOUR HEART.

stand by

Crys said...

ah, here it is. a review of "The Pink Box" (wow, that's subtle):

I lived in Osaka, Japan for a year back in '93/94 and (being well travelled) I can honestly say that Japanese men are the most strangely deviant gender of anywhere I have encountered. It's not just about the sexual desire, it's about the way they go about it, deny it, suppress it, fantasize about it, and more. During the day, Japanese men come across as robotic, mindless, emotionless, infantile, limp, and the younger guys even "androgenous". They are the least sexual creatures you have ever encountered. BUT, come night-time and with their desperate need for, but extreme chemical intolerance for booze, they metamorphosize into creatures unrecognizable. Most are too scared to do much, so they sing their baseball songs then puke, then collapse in said puke wearing their thin little suits and boring ties. But others, especially those with a little more money and certain connections, do carry out their deviance in spades. I mean this is a country where you can buy "used panties from a junior high school girl" OUT OF A VENDING MACHINE, I kid you not! In many ways, pedophilia in Japan is an ideal in most men's minds, and they nearly faint at the mere idea of lifting up a skirt from some school girl (which is precisely why they are mandated to wear such skirts...), and this ideology is most obviously reflected in all the advertising campaigns plastered everywhere. Pedophilia and subservience everywhere. The only other country that openly promotes pedophilia more than Japan, is Germany. In fact, during the Wars in Europe (and even today) pedophilia is / was referred to as the "German Disease". True story.

Mix the pedophilia theme with sadomasochism, bizarre fantasies, sex hotels, pathetic attempts at sociality, and lots of booze, and one will never think of Japanese men the same ever again. My take: they are a VERY strange breed, with a little too much money, but not enough self-control or individualism. They are as close to "perverted sheep" as you will find on this planet.

My main issue with this account, is how the author managed her contact and access to this strange, but very protected World. That seems highly suspicious to me, especially for a female foreigner to crack. Because there is one HUGE theme that is left out of this account entirely, and that is high tech MIND CONTROL. And that is precisely why these girls don't complain and are even proud to be involved. And don't think for a second that the girls take home "six figures" a year. They generate much more than that, but their controllers (often Yakuza associated) keep them on a very short leash. The book is an interesting read / look nonetheless, but doesn't tell us much of the whole story.

Crys said...

i am like, laffin

Crys said...

omg, you are so buyin that book now, aren't you

Grant said...

mq - I know - it totally clashes with my ability to hold it.

sj - I guess you're not outsourcing your holding it.

crys - I swear that seat was wet when I got there. Must be a leak in the ceiling.

crys - I've ready plenty about the sex clubs. They have every fetish you've ever heard of, and plenty you probably haven't.

crys - the reviewer is definitely biased. I think they're just more open about things like that in Japan. Seriously, they have porn inserts in their regular newspapers so the commuters can look at porn on the way to work.

crys - Laffin' can be Bladder Man's sidekick.

crys - only if it has pictures.

Crys said...

it DOES have pictures, in fact that's the point of the whole book, a pictorial with some tidbits thrown in, and the reviewer kind of went off the deep end with it.

~Deb said...

I'm with Monogram with her interpretation of "BM"! LOL!

I still luv ya my little "BM"!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I just got to thinking what color your super hero suit would be.

Now there's a new color for the crayon box: Urine Yellow.

Joe said...

I'm with monogram and ~deb.

BM...great bladder control, but at what expense? It can be your tragic backstory.

But crys definitely deserves the sidekick role based on her knowledge of your carefully hidden obsessions. lol

tiff said...

Self-Control Man....nah.

Bladder Boy? BB? Better than BM at any rate.

You really ought to be peeing more often, BB. It's good for your kidneys and such. Happy kidneys are important.

Grant said...

crys - okay, I'll add it to my list along with Gargoyle.

~deb - maybe it could stand for Big Manhood.

pq - maybe with poo-colered highlights.

joe - I'm disappointed that all this hospital time involving radiation, surgery, and drugs has not rendered a more useful super power.

tiff - self-control man makes it sound like I can resist masturbation. I don't want to be sued for false advertising.