Sunday, July 27, 2008

Ice Cream of the Future

There’s a store called Dippin’ Dots* in the Mall of Georgia that bills itself as having the ice cream of the future. Most mall-dwelling bipedal sheep dismiss this as a clever advertising tool, whereas I see it for the chicanery it is. I’m sure after they take your money they’ll tell you to wait until the future for your order to arrive. “Don’t bother waiting here – once the technology is invented, we’ll simply beam it directly into your stomach.” After you leave they’ll all go into the back, light up joints the size of Roman candles, and laugh their asses off at your stupidity. That’s your stupidity, not mine. I grok what they’re up to.

Since I’d rather light a candle than curse your darkness (actually, I’m quite capable of doing both simultaneously) I’ll share a method of defeating this scheme. Simply walk in, tell them you placed your order in the past (the Pleistocene epoch was a nice time for ice cream) and are now obeying the computerized telepathic summons to come in and pick up your πx6.023^-23 scoop of Super-Duper Oogy-Woogy Monkey Nape Crinkles (or whatever flavor sounds futuristic to you). This may get you some strange looks since they are not used to customers outsmart their scheme, but the clerks should reward you with some free ice cream. If not, kill them immediately. If mall security gets pissy about it, inform them that you are standing up for your rights as a consumer according to the 2063 Ice Cream Fairness Act that lifts the ban on murder under certain strict circumstances such as, quote, “when you’re good and cheesed and you really feel like whacking somebody.” Tell them “It’s a whole temporal thing, you see” before walking out with a tub of whatever flavor suits you.

* You know it’s in the South ‘cause they forgot the “g” at the end.

12 comments:

messiah said...

so, you've given up james clavell in flavour of robert heinlen then?

Monogram Queen said...

My sister LOVES dippin' dots. They sell them at our Coliseum and at the Zoo. I think they are a rip-off.

SJ said...

“when you’re good and cheesed and you really feel like whacking somebody.” I do feel that way about life.

Joe said...

Interestingly enough (or maybe not) there were Dippin Dots carts all over the Saratoga racetrack grounds this weekend and people lined up to eat that junk. Why couldn't you have posted this before I went?

Now I'm going to have to go back in time to pretend that I'm from the future. My head will probably explode.

Spider Girl said...

A future without ice-cream would make me cranky. Possibly murderously cranky. Hopefully I'll never live in such a time.

When I was a kid I used to think living in a post-apocalyptic, Mad Maxi-futuristic world might be sort of cool.

But, ahem, no ice-cream, right? I just didn't think these things through enough back then.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

New favorite words:

chicanery

grok

Nape Crinkles (now THAT sounds nasty...;)

Crys said...

violence and ice cream might go nicely together.

dippin dots, however, are not real ice cream, let's get that straight right NAW.

Grant said...

messiah - I already read Heinlein in the dark ages, or maybe it was next year.

mq - at the coliseum and zoo, do they have Roman and monkey flavors? Our zoo has a snack bar across from the apes named after Willy B., our famous dead gorilla. I wonder where they get their meat.

sj - go to it, and good luck.

joe - it would be easier to continue to move forward into the future while pretending to be back in time. Just speak a lot of pseudo-pilgrim at the office.

spider-girl - I thought the same way about the future. I still think it would be fun as long as the electricity and toilets work forever and all the stuff in the supermarkets stays fresh, especially the steaks.

pq - the crinkles are okay as long as you sprinkle extra fetus cheese on them.

crys - then run into your local DD and hose them down with a flamethrower. Violence and other things go well together too.

Enemy of the Republic said...

We got those dippin dots here. So it's Dixie's fault again! When are you Southerners going to rise again anyway? I bought a cup of that mess for my son the other day, expecting ice cream. I thought it was a pile of percocets--no, I get those, not him!


I can't get into Robert Heinlen. Have you read the Dune novels? (serious question)

Grant said...

enemy - we'll rise when we lose enough weight to get out of our chairs. You're looking safe in the short term.

I started to listen to one Dune audiobook, not realizing it wasn't created by the original author, but the reader (uptight nasal British) turned me off. I may give it another go after I finish Gai-Jin by Clavell.

tiff said...

Dippin' Dots are TOO real ice cream - they're frozen in (get this!) liquid nitrogen!

How futur-y of them, don't you think?

A ripoff, yes, but in the future everything is so much MORE expensive that it's really a bargain.

Grant said...

tiff - in that case, I should start looking for the ice cream of the past. If they charge more than a nickel, I'll pound them with my club.