Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Fartistry

Kira sent me home with a lot of food, much of it potato-based. Since I don’t want it to go bad I’ve been eating back-to-back multi potato meals, such as scalloped potatoes with a side of potato salad. Having eaten potatoes for almost every meal while visiting then doubling up on them at home, I just realized something this morning – potatoes give me serious gas.

The worst (by which I mean best) fart I ever produced was in college. Nearby students considered assisted suicide as an alternative to breathing. Although I was a true master at the top of my form, I had to give partial credit to the caf for making a loaded baked potato available for my lunch. At the time I thought the stench was due to the chili, sour cream, cheese, onion, and jalapeno peppers on top. I’m sure they helped, but now I think the potato also contributed.

I decided that this morning while in the shower when I let loose an oily burst of flatulence that wouldn’t dissipate. It wasn’t quite as pungent as my college contribution, but I’m sure it ranked in my lifelong top five. I seriously considered jumping out wet to run into another room, but instead tried not to breathe as I (ironically) tried to get clean. It wouldn’t go away, leaving me to realize that I was showering in fart. So, yesterday I smelled of poofy body wash, and today it’s eau de rotting potato. I am the Bertie Bott of body odors. I feel sorry for any woman who smelled me yesterday and expected my aroma to be consistent. “Ewww, what’s that cologne you’re wearing today?” “That’s fart, baby. Ahhh…I just freshened up.”

Okay, I got this post out just in time for lunch. Bon appetit.

P.S. I wanted to use the word “waft” somewhere in here since we writers love that word, but it wouldn’t have been appropriate. My farts don’t waft – they sprint into your vicinity and anally rape your olfactory senses.

10 comments:

Tracy Lynn said...

Bathtub farty may be the new black, but even the most innocuous of farts, which I am positive yours aren't, smell worse in the tub.

Patti said...

Grant Grant Grant Grant Grant only YOU could wax poetic about a fart!
I never knew potatoes caused gas. Broccoli does it for me!

Kira said...

...and as long as there's Alex in the picture, you'll be getting plenty more potatoes, too! I'm ok with you having gas from the potatoes since it tends to fly AFTER you've left the apt, it seems ;)

metalmom said...

Too bad there's no bunny in the picture. You could have shared a Dutch oven!

Circe said...

A whole post that revolves around farting! And I too love the word "waft".

For me it would be the usual bean culprit but also broccoli and cauliflower. I try to avoid them but I'm somewhat partial to beans. :)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh there's nothing worse than a horrid smelling fart in a hot steamy shower...it lingers FOREVER.

Not that I'd know or anything...you know us girls don't fart. ;)

Leesa said...

Reminds me of "Ode To A Louse" by Burns. Not the flatulance, but the topic.

I bought my nephew a farting book for Christmas last year. He loved it, and his parents hated it. So it was a win-win for me.

~Deb said...

Geesh, sounds like the cologne I bought a coupla' weeks ago.

Sweetie, lay off the taters. I thought you were more of a sushi and rice kinda' guy...

グラント said...

tracy - there should be a government grant available to research this phenomenon.

patti - as if I needed further incentive to avoid broccoli.

kira - I still have the gas even though I didn't eat any potatoes yesterday. Definitely a delayed effect.

metalmom - If there was a bunny in the picture, I would probably be bunny-dumped for that one.

circe - if you need to end a bad relationship, maybe you could do it after a dinner of bean, broccoli, and cauliflower salad.

pq - no, but I've noticed you women are frequently standing near an invisible farting elf.

leesa - I hope that wasn't a pop-up book.

~deb - I'm a meat and 'taters kind of guy who loves things very much not meat and 'taters (bunny!).

Okami said...

I'm now regretting reading this while on a conference call. Thankfully the phone was on mute so no one could hear the choking back of the coffee, the subsequent laughter and ensuing coughing.

Unfortunately I missed the topic of discussion on the call, and I think someone just volunteered me for something.

Damn it.