Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Homo 3, Hetero 0

A lot of people tell me I have a gay quality. Naturally, they can’t elucidate when I ask why. I don’t really mind. I think it got me my current job. Still, I keep the gaydar set for internal scans so I can try to pick up any signs of gayness, for no other reason that to know what they’re talking about. For example, I find Asian women very attractive despite being told that some of my favorites look like pre-adolescent boys. Maybe I’m just attracted to pre-adolescent boys. I should join the priesthood.


I have upped my homo-factor by adding body wash to my shower. I got a coupon from Target for $1 off, so I decided to try some thinking it would just be liquid soap. After passing such offerings as Mango / Green Tea, Rhubarb / Pinenuts, and Anal Lubricant (the last one may have been on the wrong shelf, but I’m not sure) I settled on Irish Spring’s standard scent. I use their soap and it’s Irish, so I assumed it would be manly body wash with scents like gunpowder, motor oil, and beer. Imagine my surprise when I got in the shower and saw that the instructions told me to pour some on my washrag or into a handful of clover.

Okay, who the hell bathes with clover? “Honey, I’m out of clover and I’m still not clean. Could you grab me some lawn clippings?”

Also, I am responsible for the creation of Zorzan, possibly the gayest superhero around since Captain Pound Me Up the Rectum hung up his assless cape.


So, now that I’m apparently gay, I guess this means I can have sex with ~deb.


Kerry said...

hmmm... I sensed your gayness in all your writings about WOMEN!

Metalmom said...

Heh,heh,heh. You have a little gay in you! (Pun certainly intended!)

Son1 is all about the shower gels, cologne, facials and whatnot. He is VERY, VERY hetero and his girlfriend loves that he smells good.
Son2 is all about the Asian girls too. If I point out that they do indeed look 'young boy-ish' I fear I will get punched! (not really!)

SSC said...

You make me laugh so much. I really enjoy reading your posts!!!


Leesa said...

Every once in a while, I run out of my soap in the shower and I use my husband's soap. He doesn't use Irish Spring - but it is a man's soap. When I get out of the shower, I have the urge to stand up and pee. What is up with that? Yeah, pee and look at Asian chicks.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I had an older male cousin who always smelled SO good to me...and it was Irish Spring.

I'm mowing my lawn this weekend...shall I bag the clovers just for you? ;)

グラント said...

kerry - we gay people have a lot of chick friends.

metalmom - if son2 is into heavy metal, he can hang with me. But not son1 - I don't need some good-smelling dude stealing my thunder.

ssc - I'm glad my identity crisis amuses you. :p

leesa - try using Lava in the shower sometime. That will fill you with the urge spit tobacco juice over your beer gut.

pq - no, but please bag any Asian women you see.

metalmom said...

Son2 got me into metal music once upon a time ago.....mosh pits are a frequent occurence for him! And he's 22, so he can hit the bars too!

Kira said...

No, any man who tells me that his back is fine--when he can't even move off the kitchen floor where he fell for hours--and then tells me that if it's not fine, he'll perform his OWN surgery on himself just like real men do is totally hetero. You can safely use the clover with your shower gel.

Patti said...

Um I really don't see where you have a gay vibe nor judging from the pics you post that you like japanese girls who look like pre-adolescent boys!

(the priesthood comment DID make me laugh though. You can stamp my ticket to hell now)

グラント said...

metalmom - my age is between the two of you so I can safely party with you both.

kira - okay, but I still don't see how showering with lawn clippings will get me clean.

patti - I'll reserve you a seat near me.