Monday, July 31, 2006

On War and Bunnies

Some people, who shall remain nameless, insisted that I gird my loins (the actual suggestion involved prosthetic testicles, but I don’t get to use the phrase “gird my loins” nearly enough, so there you go), barge in to Umezono and ask out one of the waitresses. After all, I find every one physically attractive, have an appreciation of Japanese culture, eat there a lot, tip well, and I don’t keep Japanese schoolgirls in my basement, at least as far as can be proved by law. I’m sure a lot of you feel the same as them. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? Rejection? Is that all? If that’s your take on matters then you are obviously, no offense, a woman. Ask any man who has faced both combat and the prospect of a cold approach, and he will likely say he misses being under fire. Allow me to elaborate and tell you why you are idiots.

For starters, in any culture, I don’t think women are impressed by the shotgun approach. “Will you go out with me? No? Okay, what about you over there? Do you have a sister who is single and desperate and looks good in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform?” Remember, all the women there are part of the same good ol’ girl network, and word will spread at the speed of fart if I start randomly hitting on them. So, step one – identify my victim target romantic interest.

I’ve been eating at Umezono and observing the Nihon no chiisai usagi since late March, but only recently narrowed my choices down to two. Yamada-san’s daughter, the sushi chefette, has a great sense of humor and an expressive face that usually makes her look like she’s suffering from a life-threatening case of hemorrhoids while she’s working, but when she jokes it takes on a snarky smile I find very engaging. When she’s really pleased, such as the first time I spoke Japanese to her, her smile lights up her entire face. I hate that cliché, but I have to use it because it is the most appropriate description. In fact, I never appreciated the meaning of the phrase until I saw it in her.

Emi-san is gentle with an affectionate smile and caring eyes that radiate concern when she is worried that a patron isn’t enjoying a meal, but her eyes quickly switch to warmth when she is reassured. I got to see that up close when they served me a delicious beef and rice meal, gyudon, that I just couldn’t finish. They are not used to dumb fat white rednecks who can’t clean their plate. They’re used to dumb fat white rednecks complaining about how they don’t give you enough beef. Point is, she’s very kind, something I’ve come to appreciate more with the passing years as I grow closer to grim death. To quote Jimmy Stewart from Harvey, “In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me.”

I mentally ticked off all the pros and cons of approaching each. The waitresses aren’t assigned to stations and don’t linger, so they are difficult to engage in conversation. Yamada-san’s daughter is stationary, but always worked with Yamada-san himself. Emi-san is older than me and may no longer want children. Neither wears a wedding band. I was leaning towards Emi-san when Yamada-san let his daughter take over lunches, so now she frequently works alone. Just when I was putting together a plan to approach her, I realized something significant.

I have male friends in dedicated relationships, some married, some not, and I can honestly say that 99% of the time I consider myself the lucky one. However, on those extremely rare occasions that we’re all together and their significant bitches finally shut their noise-holes, sit down, and cuddle with them, then I feel I feel lonely. I admit that is something I would like in my life, and I sometimes picture myself on a couch watching a good movie (such as Ichi the Killer) with the right woman curled by my side. And then it hit me – whenever I visualize such things, my brain always casts the role of the woman with Emi-san. Apparently while my brain was debating, my heart (or something South of it) made the decision for me. (insert maudlin violin music) (change station to death metal)

This is running long, so I’ll say sayounara for today and finish calling you a pack of fecking idiots tomorrow. Yes – I am the master of suspense.


patti_cake said...

Okay Grant you don't post for a WEEK, make me hound you via email and THEN leave us hanging. To the dungeon my good man, Immediately :P

H.E.Eigler said...

HAHAHAHAHAH "spread at the speed of fart"

Farts are funny, thanks for the giggle.

Kira said...

Yes, well, you know I totally agree that you have to narrow down the list to one and then pursue. We females DO tell each other instantly when we are aware that the man is using the "thar's wimmin! I'll keep askin' til one says yes!" approach. Just don't ask me how old they are. We already determined how much I suck at guessing the age of Asian women.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Did you get those emails I sent with the images? You don't have to announce publicly (which means you will) how much they stink, but I want to know if I am on the right track.

Ask her out. What would be the worst thing that could happen? Sometimes a female saying no is a blessing in disguise.

Angie said...

@ EOTR - Thank you. That was exactly my point.

@ Grant - I think you may need to apologize to Tim because, if I remember the conversation correctly, he actually defended you.

I was going to supply you with a good idea for breaking the ice but I'll let you finish telling me why I'm a fecking idiot first.

And for the record, I don't remember telling you to barge in and ask all of them out. Sheesh, men!!!!

Tracy Lynn said...

You couldn't be more of a pain in my ass if you were related to me.
Rooting for you, dumbass.

Grant said...

pc - thanks for reminding me - I've got victims down there who haven't been fed.

hee - I thought only children and men could appreciate farts. Thanks for smashing that glass ceiling.

kira - please explain to all the other women here that they shouldn't encourage me to engage in behaviour that they wouldn't like thrust upon themselves.

enemy - thanks for the pics. The flames were good, but I'm avoiding any political overtones just because I'm into non-bipartisan evil.
Also, you're an idiot, and I'll explain why tomorrow.

angie - thank you for lumping yourself in with Enemy. I'll lambast you as well tomorrow.
And I don't think Tim was defending me - he just found it more fun to skewer your attack than join in.

tracy - now that's what I call support. "Give me a D, give me a U, give me a drink and give that guy a kick in the head..." Trust me, I have a plan. I'm not wallowing in indecision. Well, not JUST that.

fatty ~ said...

this is post is almost sweet/romantic. I like. I suggest you make a move now so they can politely turn you down ...haha just kidding!!

Seriously, i wish ya all the luck with the ladies!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Okay, call me an idiot--but know that words hurt! Seriously, should I keep sending you stuff. I will avoid the political stuff and just look for pure evil.

Tony said...

The Master of Suspense? How about, The Master of Lunacy. The one individual with the last vestiges "real man-ism" is talking about getting some "prosthetic testicles"? I thought you already had those. (real ones, that is) Where'd you lose them? You're going soft, losing your touch.

(slap)Keep it together, man.

I think you need more metal in your diet.

SJ said...

I have seen that "smile lighting up..." thing too. Yes it was in a Japanese restaurant in Chicago when I was there in '03. Is that nihon no usagi patented?

Grant said...

fatty - you're probably just relieved that I found someone local to hit on.

enemy - j/k about calling you an idiot, although I do think that's bad advice for this situation - I'll eplain why later. Keep sending the pics, but only if it's not an inconvenience. I'm not in a hurry to change my template, but I would like a better header image in stock.

tony - I am a real man, and like any real man I'd rather face machinegun fire than be rejected by the object of my affection.

sj - it is, along with Random Killing Spree and Giant Atomic Chickens. You have to give me a dollar every time you use one. I really like those three word phrases.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I know you were joking, but I fear your wrath--I know you military types all too well. It isn't an inconvenience at all; it's a priviledge.

You and Tony should go to this restaurant together and swap soldier stories.

~Deb said...

Awe, I knew it was too good to be true to think that Grant----was a CUDDLER! *GASP!!!!!!* I think all that wasabi is getting to your head. Or... never mind. ;)

Doug Murata said...

Wow, man. Your comments are mostly given by women. I enjoyed how you said that women will say "what's the worst that could happen? Rejection?" I tell ya' I'm so happy that I've already got my little kuma-chan (yep, in my case, she's my baby bear.) I don't have to go through all of that insane crap regarding "wooing" and worrying about rejection. I swear, having to ask a girl out because of the possible rejection is worse than a kick to the nuts (but unlike a kick to the nuts, the possible payoff is so friggin' sweet!)

Tony said...

Sorry, mental lapse. Just recalling the days when facing machine gun fire Was the object of your affection.

Best of luck. If you've noted leesa's recent posts regarding men and mind reading you're going to need it.

PBS said...

Good luck with Emi-san, maybe she feels the same way about you? It would be interesting to find out.

annush said...

FINALLY! you are making progress!!!
just ask her out already, or ask them both out. THERE YOU GO!

And you know what? couplehood (or is it coupledom?) is good...very good (in small doses ;) )...

hellbunny said...

I hope you get your date with her.