Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Quik Notes

I had a salient and useful essay planned for today (in fact, I’ve been trying to get to it for weeks), but a few more random thoughts imposed upon me and you’re stuck with the following drivel. Deal with it.

It just now occurred to me that I am a cell phone owner, like many of the other boobs reviled in our society. That thought struck me (literally – it drew blood) this morning when I was trying to get to my cubicle but found myself stuck behind a cyborg trying to juggle his lunch pail, his cute little office suitcase on wheels, and a clipboard bleeding paper while trying to call somebody on a cell phone with a wired headset. Like all such morons, he was too busy operating his phone to notice he was being a nuisance. He began his loud conversation with “Hi, this is Bubba Bo Bob Boober. I’m on my way to my desk, so I’ll be switching phones in just a minute.” Okay, the name is fake, but the rest is real. It must have been a critical minute the guy didn’t want to waste on something silly, like efficiently walking to his office (I’m assuming he was management) and starting the conversation there without the need to switch phones.

And you know those assclowns who are proud owners of the tiniest wireless headset money can buy, basically a device the size of a Tic-Tac inserted in their ear, who like to look at you while beginning secret phone conversations? The guys who look you in the eye and say “Hi, how are you doing?” and then get irritated when you respond because you interrupted them? I hereby promise never to be that guy. Please kill me if it ever happens, because the Grant you know and love and fear and want to have sex with will already be gone.

After all the comments yesterday assuring me that cell phone spamming doesn’t really exist, I got my first automated telemarketer yesterday afternoon, less than twenty-four hours after activation. In my voicemail, a computer told me to dial a certain number and give them a passcode to take advantage of their wonderful offer. They didn’t bother to say who they were or explain the nature of their wonderful offer beyond a half-second introduction that sounded like “Grzzrlr”. This could be the planet of Robotron III calling to hail me as their Satanic Overlord, but since they prefer e-mail I kinda doubt it. I added my new number to the Do Not Call registry. For those of you who think President Jebus W. Bush is completely useless, allow me to remind you of his successful war on telemarketers. Thanks to his efforts, many of them lost their jobs and are hopefully now dead, or at least covered in boils.

Fortunately, my new e-mail hasn’t had the same problem. It was nearly twenty-seven hours before I received my first bit of spam. Go, Charter. Speaking of e-mail, it occurred to me that I should feel sad at the passing of my old e-mail address. It was the first e-mail addy I ever had, from when I first signed up for Internet access with BS many years ago, before reasonably priced broadband, before 56k modems even. But even though it is the passing of an era, I can’t shed a tear. I can only pass along the lesson learned when I first created the ID, which is: never use an underscore ( _ ). When I wrote my address on paper and gave it to somebody, I invariably had to endure this conversation:
Them: Is that a hyphen?
Me: No, it’s an underscore.
T: A what?
M: An underline.
T: E-mail addresses are automatically underlined.
M: No, it’s a line at the bottom of the row between the two letters. It’s not underlining the passage, it’s a physical character. Press shift and hit the hyphen key.
T: You said it wasn’t a hyphen.
M: DIE, discombobulating representative of moron Corporate America!

Despite my best efforts, I have missed many e-mails over the years because nobody could comprehend the concept of an underscore. Thank the zombie Jebus I didn’t throw a tilde into their paradigm.

On a closing note, let me say that it is possible, even easy, to eat a traditional barbecue pork lunch with coleslaw and a baked potato using only chopsticks. The baked potato has the same consistency of a ball of Jasmine (Thai) rice. I know that because I had Thai for dinner, served by a pair of tiny sweeties with glossy black hair (so shiny it looked polished) hanging to their waists. Asian women rule!


Avitable said...

I think that I shall name my first child Bubba Bo Bob Boober.

And I just bought one of those asshole Bluetooth headsets for use in the car when I'm driving only. I refuse to walk around, look people in the eye, and then start a conversation on my phone. I hate those fuckers.

Tai said...

I can't STAND Bubba Bo Bob Boober.
There's something seriously wrong with that guy.

krisbtterfly said...

now i'm quite proud of myself for already knowing what an underscore is.

circe said...

Oh novice cell phone user. :) Hadn't been commenting so failed to mention getting on the 'do not call' registry for the cell number. I did that immediately when they first came out with it to avoid telemarketers and haven't had a problem.

In my other yahoo addy, I have an underscore. Alot of people have underscores in their addresses. How hard is that to figure out? Idiots...


Doug Murata said...

I'm one of those bluetooth ear-piece assholes! Usually I use it while in the car but sometimes I reach my destination while talking to somebody and leave the car whilst speaking through the headset. It's not much of a problem for me (vis-a-vis fake conversations with strangers,) because I avoid eye contact with everyone as a general rule.

I don't think you'd have the underscore problem too much these days. I totally missed out on the days when you could have that sort of conversation. (My first PC was in '96. I was offline and on a Mac for the developmental years of my life. I deserve pity.)

Rick said...

My license plate frame reads "Hang Up and Drive!" I had it made at one of those state fair-type booths a few years ago and you'd be surprised how much road rage it generates. Asshats. And the single biggest reason I bought my domain name (ego aside) was to make sure I always have the same e-mail address. And finally, I owe you a big "thanks" for showing me how to integrate RSS into my blogroll ( in your source code). It's been driving me nuts for weeks!

Enemy of the Republic said...

Lately, I've been reading quite a few posts that deal with this subject. My favorites are the ones with the earpieces who keep talking. I don't know if they are on medication, need money for booze or just like talking to themselves--then I find out it's a phone. Oh, wow.

Rick: My husband has one of those, or he just yells it out the window, usually preceded or followed by the ultimate insult to motherhood.

The Stiltwalker said...

The guys who look you in the eye and say “Hi, how are you doing?” and then get irritated when you respond because you interrupted them?

I am so one of those guys *ahem* girls.

And by the way NEVER text anything to some codes you see on tv. You will be charged an ass-tronomical amount for each txt received back. I KNOW.

patti_cake said...

I can't stand the Bubba Bo Bob Boobers of the world either!
Asshats. Cellphones annoy the crap out of me although I have one too. Necessity is the mother of invention I guess. Hey, I sound smart! :P

messiah said...

the Grant you know and love and fear and want to have sex with will already be gone.

i think you're assuming a little too much there bubba. maybe a lot too much.

you'd hate me when i'm sitting in my office then - have the blue tooth cell headset on the left ear, and the wireless phone headset on the right half the time.

make sure you get a cool headset that glows or blinks - it's fun how disconcerting that is to people who are in the area.

sorry you fell for your first telemarketing scam. (but i've really never had that on my phone. maybe the legislation up here in canuckville is harsher?)

Kira said...

Wow, congrats on getting cell phone telemarketing! I never knew it was an issue until you. Oh well. Your sacrifice has not gone in vain. When Alex gets his new cell phone, he can register immediately and be safe.

I actually was thinking of how much I hate cell phones today while at the children's museum with the kids. Several parents were not watching their kids and instead were talking on their cell phones. I couldn't believe it. It's a FAMILY affair, supposed to be everybody playing and enjoying the time, and the parents don't care if their child drowns in the water boat racer activity because damnit, they are gonna make USE of that time by being on the phone. For a really long time. Sheesh. Turn off the damn phone or I'm tossing it in the water, beeatch.

Angie said...

My, you are talented. Coleslaw with chopsticks? Did it take an hour?

mal said...

Telemarketers are Satans spawn. Any surprise the Junior Bush went after them?

On another note,,,,I really think a lot of those folks with Blue tooths in their ears are really talking to themselves and this way they need not be emabarassed about it

Seven said...

I have a hyphen in my email. Different crap I gotta deal with but same concept. I give it to them and say "hyphen" and they look at me as if I was Bubba Bo Bob Boobeer; then they say "You mean a dash?". I follow with "No I mean a hyphen. It looks like a dash."
Repeat all of the above 3 times until I finally surrender and so "Yes it is a dash"

GirlGoyle said...

I love my cell phone. It does nothing but dial numbers. No fancy crap with cameras, email, and bla bla bla. If I'm going to spend the extra money then I want a cell phone that makes me coffee as well. Otherwise, phuck it! Just dial damn it. Have I mentioned that I love my cell phone? It has caller ID on it which also means that I rarely ever answer it. Ha!
I saw this dude at the grocery store the other day with his bluetooth loser receiver in his ear dressed like he'd come off the set of Men in Black and ... I wanted to puch him in the head. Then I overheard his conversation: "did you say skim or 2% milk dear?" LOSER!!!!!
And spam on cell is in the form of Text messages...can't avoid them either. GRRRR!

Anonymous said...

thats funny, i used an underscore in my current email address so it would be easier to remember. My other email had a period (.) which i preferred but was less common.

I hardly get email spam on an of my emails, and never on my mobile. We do however get plenty of the pleasant telemarketing calls over dinner.

~Deb said...

The first time I saw someone with a bluetooth, (I believe that's what it's called) the little device on the ear---I really thought they were hearing impaired and wondered why they had such a large belltone. I bring my cell phone out with me, but I rarely use it in front of people. It's just annoying (to me..)

As far as the spam, on one of my email accounts, I am up to ***30*** a day!

Sickens me.

Ayako said...

The only reason I own a bluetooth headset is that it came with the phone, and I've never used it (outside of my room that is). It looks completely weird just talking into thin air without your actually mobile phone (yes, this is what we call them down here =D) anywhere in sight is weird. Hmm. I believe I've just called my bf a weirdo =D

Anonymous said...

chopsticks are one of the chinese greatest inventions. That, and paper money and stuff like that!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I've got plenty of crap calls on my cell phone...I hate that.

And I have a few Bubba's right here in my office building too. Damn asshats.

hellbunny said...

Your the man Grant eating that meal with chopstick.

Leesa said...

As I rule, I honk my horn when drivers are too busy talking on their cel phones to navigate their cars in the middle of their own lanes.

I hate those people.

Grant said...

avitable - that's okay for a boy, but if it's a girl could you name her Fuggs? Note the traditional spelling with two g's.

tai - don't worry, I put the voodou whammy on him.

kris - you claim to know what it is, and yet you don't demonstrate its use. :p

circe - I am a novice. I kind of wish I didn't have one at all, but I suppose I must have some kind of phone.

doug - if only the other cell phone morons were as considerate as you, we wouldn't hate them all. As it is, I think they should all be killed with a weed-whacker.

rick - yeah, I hate changing e-mail addresses, like some people I know who seem to get a new one every week. Hopefully my charter account will last.

enemy - poor cell etiquette is sweeping the nation. I think a few public executions would curb the offence.

stiltwalker - a curse upon thee, evil cell phone person. :p

patti_cake - I wonder if the cell morons would take heed if you got in front of them and imitated their worst behavior. Probably not - they're too wrapped up in their own lives to notice.

messiah - I didn't fall for it, I just wasted a couple of minutes of air time checking my voicemail.

kira - I think I should legally be allowed to take away a person's cell phone and smash it over their head under such circumstances.

angie - actually, coleslaw is easy with chopsticks since the sauce keeps it together. Some things hard to eat with chopsticks include gyoza (oddly shaped dumplings) and tororo, grated sticky yam that's like shredded wheat without the flavor.

mal - I always remember the anti-telemarketer legislation whenever I get too critical of our president, or whenever somebody tries to imply that this isn't the greatest country on the planet.

seven - I'm sure the first time you call it a dash, they'll say "Do you mean a hyphen?"

girlgoyle - yeah, mine is a basic no frills model too. And I think we need laws stating it's okay to attack bluetooth users.

fatty - the best way to combat telemarketing is (if you have the time and inclination) to keep them on the line without buying anything. In America at least, they can get fired if their time to money ratio drops.

~deb - you're not counting my e-mails as spam, are you? Because I haven't heard from you in awhile. Recently, I tried to open a line of dialog with you about FREE VIAGRA and INSTANT CREDIT FOR HOME IMPROVEMENT MORTGAGES, but you rudely ignored me.

ayako - I've noticed that anytime you mention your boyfriend, it's not complimentary. Sounds like you're ready to trade up. Come here, baby. :p

fatty - actually, I've always thought it funny that, in several thousand years of art and culture and creating gunpowder, the Chinese never thought to use a FECKING FORK! But I like chopsticks now, so your race is forgiven. :p

pq - good, I'm glad it's not just me.

hellbunny - actually, I used two of them - makes it easier. :p

leesa - could you change "honk my horn" to "spray them with lead"? Thanks.

BBB_0202020 said...

i havent been called a boob in years..thanks...lololol

R2K said...

Hi : )

PBS said...

It was good to end the post on a pleasing note.

Liz said...

I have never been slammed but in the right context it might be nice:P

JohnB said...

Next will be cyborg worms which will enter the brain a la The Wrath of Khan for proper telepathic communication or death...and I still can't believe "Boober's" name isn't real, shees!

Kerry said...

I'm cracking up at your underscore conversation... i've got a video i need to email you!

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Thanks for the link to Hatebeak... you, sir, are now my parrot death metal guru.

SJ said...

Go read this NOW

Asian women rule what?

doc-t said...

I know and love and want to have sex with you???

I never knew. My suspicion of a a second personality in my body may well be true. I must say i'm shocked to find out he's gay.

The cell phone...sigh.. it happens... this is one of those things that you might be tempted to bash with comments like "in my days," or "People today just..."

it's a sign of...well let's say maturing. but i've spotted it for you. You have a chance to head it off now, Grant!

the cell phone people that look at you and talk... Talking back is not only warranted, but can be fun. Information is power, take out a pen and paper and take notes. you might get smoething useful to use against them, which might prevent them from ever doing that to you again...

btw, Angie's been talking trash about you man, you probably should go smak her like a red headed step child...

Jezzy said...

I have an underscore in my hotmail address and a hyphen in my surname. Imagine the intelligent conversations I must have trying to explain my email addresses to people. *cries in frustration*

Anonymous said...

dear 13, if you would like a hand with a blog template, let me know. Especially helpful if you have an idea what you want it to look like. Write me ok?

Angie said...

@ Tim - Shhhhh! You weren't supposed to tell him. Men!!

@ Grant - Dude, are you ever going to post again or what?!

starbender said...

Were U expecting Me???

Bubba Bo Bob Boober--Ha! EXCELLENT!!!


Saur♥Kraut said...

Please kill me if it ever happens, because the Grant you know and love and fear and want to have sex with will already be gone. :D I loved this!

Yeah, I hate the assholes with the 100-yard stare who are yakking on the phone. I've answered them a couple times, while standing in line, before I realized they were speaking in a mouthpiece.

I'm now getting solicitors on my cellphone. ARGH. I think I'll start carrying an airhorn to blow in the phone. I'm dead serious. I wonder where I can get one?

TTD said...

i never received cell-phone spam *knock on wood* via calls anyway.. for a moment i was receiving text msgs but that was b/c i had signed up for something w/ my provider.. as soon as i cut that off.. they stopped sending me text msgs.. i forget the URL, but you better enter ur cell phone number in the DB to stop receiving them tele-marketer calls!

Tai said...


Who found Grant and did him in?



Hello? Is this thing on??

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