Monday, June 12, 2006

Updated Profile

Everyone who has been reading my blog for more than twelve seconds knows I have a yen (har) for ethnically yellow women, although that's just a preference for physical appearance, the way most males prefer large-breasted blondes. To me, a woman only needs to be attractive enough to turn me on, which is fairly low on the attraction scale. In fact, I would estimate less than one percent of all women are so unattractive that I couldn't use them for sex and/or food, so personality is really what matters most to me. I think what I really want is a worldly woman, by which I do NOT mean a woman who's had sex more than me, which is probably all of you over the age of ten. What I want is a woman who, like me, has done her best to look at the world and has chosen the best each country has to offer. Here is my current profile with the country I associate with the best:

Overall attitude: Australia.
Sense of humour: England.
Manners: Japan.
Communication (preferably direct): America.
Accent: Scotland, or possibly Ireland.
Ability to repel moose: Canada*

If anybody spots a woman with most of those qualities, take her down with a tranquilizer dart and ship her to me. I've already converted my walk-in closet to a holding pen, so I'm ready to be committed. I mean, I'm ready for a committed relationship. I'll pay extra if she's yellow.

* I created that category so my Canadian blogpals wouldn't feel ignored. Sorry, but I can't think of a reason why your country even exists. I guess I can express my admiration for your ability to not commit mass suicide despite the fact that you live in an inferior, moose-infested frozen wasteland. Kudos to you Canucks! :p

32 comments:

Doug Murata said...

What about affinity for ice hockey for Canada? Or do we not care about ice hockey?

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, I love the fact that you have standards. Low standards, but standards nonetheless.

Make sure the holding pen has one of those invisible fences and you should be able to avoid the fines.

~Deb said...

Attitude Australia and manners of Japan? That's a total contradiction! Hmmmm....shall I say the "S" word? I think I'll leave that to your imagination....

coughhackcoughsubmissivecouchhackcough

hellbunny said...

I think you should begin your search at the UN buildings.Also my mind is concerned about your comment about using them for sex or food.Are you concidering eating them if they don't agree to sex.Have youdeveloped cannibalistic tendancies lately.

patti_cake said...

Wow Grant you are um, easy to please!

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Grant said...

doug - unfortunately I have no interest in hockey, maple syrup, beaver, or non-German beer.

tracy - actually, I installed steel bars. I'm something of a purist.

~deb - all women are subservient to Zorzan, at least after the third beating.

hellbunny - it's nothing new. I've always been a neo-Satanic cannibalistic prophet of doom.

patti_cake - yes, I don't ask for much.

Kira said...

Rats! I just have the sense of humor and the communication down pat. The rest, well, I am not so sure about. I guess that means I won't leave Alex to move to Atlanta. I suppose he'll be relieved ;)

Doug Murata said...

Wait... You want to use women for sex but you aren't interested in beaver?

OK, now that that's been said, what about communities that don't lock their doors?

krisbtterfly said...

i think that the toughest part of the profile will be the accent. i'll keep an eye out. lucky for you, fedex ships right out of my building.

hey, i've got an idea... why don't you just mail-order?

krisbtterfly said...

p.s. speaking of bier, bitburger pils is rockin'.

PBS said...

That would make a great (if rather puzzling) ad for a dating service.

But maybe it's just a matter of finding one's inner Australian, inner Japanese, etc.

Leesa said...

hey, I have an idea. Why don't you make online tests and then publish them on your site. Then when women meeting your description answer the questions, you can blackmail them into marriage or carnal naughtiness.

Oh, you have already tried that?

Kerry said...

That kind of woman should be easy to find! I see 'all kinds' every day... I'll ship one your way.

If she's not yellow, paint her.

Seven said...

Liver disease can lead to yellow skin. I think you should revise your request to exclude women with a diseased liver. (They don't live very long and your medical expenses will be susbtantial)

Angie said...

Thought about you many times today as I was in Hartsfield with many J-usagi....very nice specimens. Think you should start considering hanging out at Hartsfield as a way to meet the woman of your dreams. You could try to find several that half-way meet your needs and then do a little back-room surgery...frontal lobe from this one, temporal lobe from that one... :P

Grant said...

kira - you're more Aussie than you might suspect, although you failed on the yellow axis.

doug - locked doors can be a fun challenge, but I usually prefer swinging through the window on a rope for my entrances.

krisbtterfly - actually, the accent is the least important of the group. Also, I like Lowenbrau meself.

pbs - that's actually what I'm going for - I doubt I'd actually find a woman from all those places, I just want her to embody the spirit.

leesa - no yellow women have taken my quizzes, so I'm stuck with blackmailing for money instead of marriage. Unfortunately, all my blogpals are poorer than me.

kerry - thanks. Be sure to punch a few air holes in the box.

rick - actually, that has an appeal of its own. The woman won't be around long enough to irritate me. And the medical expenses won't be prohibitive since I'll just use some horse sense in dealing with her (i.e., if she gets sick, shoot her).

angie - that reminds me of when I had to go through the Seattle airport. I rounded a corner and found myself looking at about 60 Japanese schoolgirls in their cute little uniforms. That predated my yellow phase so I didn't go nuts. I should go visit Seattle again.

fatty ~ said...

i hope i don't qualify for any :P

Tai said...

Good thing moose aren't my friends otherwise I wouldn't even stand a chance!

messiah said...

just say the word and i'm sure we'll be happy to shut of the flow of oil, gas, and power ;)

sorry, i have to run - i double parked my moose in front of my work igloo.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Some men are so picky. Don't you want someone to bow down and yell: Hail Satan, I await your bidding! Then the night is yours.

Grant said...

fatty - actually, you're the closest thing to my ideal woman. Come here, baby. =)

tai - and now, I leave you to your moosey fate. :p

messiah - I'm on Southern Power which doesn't rely on your beaver-intensive form of electricity (we have a giant extension cord running into Georgia from England). Do your worst.

enemy - sounds good, but I'm going to need something to hold my attention after the foreplay is over.

Wendy C. said...

I always say, the ability to repel moose is mandatory in a successful relationship!
The sad thing about Canada is that it's full of Canadians...no wait! I didn't mean that at all! That's supposed to be Scotland..not that Scotland is full of Canadians...it's full of Scotts!

Oh! Never mind!

That's what I get for drinkin' and Bloggin!
Cheers!
*h'cup...

Liz said...

Good luck with that Grant. I am suprised to hear there isn't already a yellow one in you holding pen.

GirlGoyle said...

Humm...maybe you should go with a Singaporian woman then. They seem to have all the qualities listed minus the moose, plus the beaver. Though I have yet to meet a singaporian with a scottish accent. Now that would be interesting!

SJ said...

and the dignified silence of Antartican women you forgot that.

RefleXtion said...

hmmmm someone is picky...hope it works all right for you! I do agree with you on overall attitude!

fatty ~ said...

ack damnit!hehehe
*coughstalkersplutter*

don't let no FBI catch onto you babe...

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Well, dammit man! I had you on the list as a possible replacement for The Peanut King! You see, once I smother him with his pillow for snoring too loud, his position will be open. (That is, if you'd have had me)!

*sigh*

I don't stand a chance now...I attract moose like moths to a flame...they follow me everywhere.

Damn.

;)

Grant said...

wendy - I've learned I can easily offend even when I'm sober, so I had to create a rule against drinking and blogging.

liz - they've been oddly reluctant to let me take them home.

girlgoyle - that sounds good. If you see one, send her along.

sj - Antarctica has women? I only knew about the penguins.

reflextion - I can do without a few of those things (accent is optional), but the attitude is important to me.

fatticus - I'm still think you could be a fed trying to entrap me - pretty, smart, Asian, and almost but not quite of marrying age. :p

pq - I have to draw the line at the moose, although it must be nice to have fresh mooseburgers whenever you want.

Spider Girl said...

I don't believe I've ever repelled a moose.

But I still feel pretty.

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

I never knew why there was a distinct lack of moose in my immediate enviroment, but now I know. Thanks for clearing that up. :)