Thanks, Freaks

I wanted to do a quick post about all the weirdos I’ve met through the Internet, but then I realized it wouldn’t be a quick post. Instead I’ll just mention a couple of the losers I’ve encountered and what I’ve learned from them, and yes, I have learned something from them. It’s similar to reading novels – I prefer a good book but learn more from a bad writer, like what not to do. Because I’m both evil and classy, I’ll leave out the names which might make you wonder if I’m talking about you. (probably)

Like my blogpal Fatticus once told me, there are a lot of freaks out there and sometimes I think I’ve met them all. Okay, maybe not all, but I’ve encountered my fair share of the women. Whereas psycho male bloggers tend to be the type to get excited over the prospect of cybering with a twelve year old Asian Catholic schoolgirl, the women tend to go the opposite direction. Most of the Internet freakouts I’ve had have been after leaving an innocuous comment on a (fecking uptight American) woman’s blog, to which she invariably responds with something like “Ack! Stalker!” Here’s a blogging tip, kiddies – if you don’t actually want contact with strangers, don’t create a public blog, enable comments, and complain that nobody is commenting. I once found a blog by a random search wherein the (fecking uptight American) woman said “I’m going to post all of my innermost thoughts and desires here. I sure hope nobody hacks this site and finds out.” I thought about pointing out the fact that she created a public blog and listed her favorites on her profile to enable easier searches, but by then I had learned to spot a flake (at least one as obvious as that) and decided to silently move on.

The second blogger I discovered was a grown American woman living abroad, a funny and (supposedly) bright person, albeit permanently depressed and whiny. Her blogpals all seemed to be family and friends she knew in real life. We visited each other’s blogs and left each other comments for a couple of weeks, and then she created an online personality quiz and asked everyone to take it. I did and got all the answers correct, which caused her to immediately flip out. She claimed that I a) cheated on the quiz, and b) was stalking her from across the ocean. I could have pointed out that one precluded the other, but instead I tried to repair the relationship by telling her how I knew which answers to pick. Most were about how intelligent she was and how she was admitted to some Mensa-like association at a young age, but the answers were really obvious. When given a multiple choice quiz with three answers that sound generic and one that’s highly detailed, the detailed one is the obvious choice. Her family and friends left anonymous comments calling me a liar and a stalker, so I apologized and left her alone. I’m sure the apology sounded insincere – how do you say “I’m sorry I got all the right answers” without sounding sardonic? – but the truth was I really did feel bad about further depressing her. Yes, I know she was a weirdo, and yes, I know something would have set her off eventually, but I still felt bad about being involved. Due to that freakout, it was a long time before I ever did the online personality quiz thingie myself. BTW, if you’re insanely bored and weren’t a blogpal of mine in late 2005, my personality quizzes, part ichi and part ni, are still available. Knock yourselves out.

It’s funny, but despite the content of my blog, I almost never receive a mean comment – in fact, I think I’ve only had three in almost two years of blogging. Instead, I tend to draw reactions to my comments on other people’s blogs. Several times I’ve left a note on somebody’s blog only to have another reader (usually a fecking uptight American woman) follow-up with “What you said is wrong. And you’re not funny.” I don’t respond to those because, as the Royal Lurker himself has said, Internet beefs are silly and beneath me. Kira quoted one of her blogpals by sending me this bit of wit: arguing on the Internet is like being in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded. I keep that in mind when one of those losers throws a hissy fit on somebody else’s blog, but if I was to respond, it would be along these lines:

#1 – I wasn’t talking to you in the first place.
#2 – if you have an issue, contact me directly. Unlike you, I have enough respect for this person’s blog not to turn the comments section into a bitchfest unrelated to the post.
#3 – and if I did offend the persons to whom I was actually speaking, I think they are capable of defending themselves without you rushing to their rescue.
#4 – why do you think I value your opinion, fecking uptight American woman?
#5 – and this is the most important one: Feck Off!

So, what have I gotten from the Internet nutters? Almost two years later and I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as sensitive as I was in the beginning. (As proof, feck off! Yeah, you. I don’t care if I made you cry.) The last few times somebody got mad and wet themselves in somebody’s comments, I only found it sadly amusing. So, keep it up, (fecking uptight American women) whack jobs. You’re pathetic, but entertaining.

I’ve also noticed I’m not as deeply hurt when my stories get rejected, although I’m still just as elated when they’re accepted. I also credit this improvement to all the weirdos I’ve met through blogging. So, to you fecking uptight American women, once again I say “thanks” and I salute you and your nutty hormones and your cute little opinions which don’t match mine and are therefore retarded, not to mention totally gay.

And, in case I didn’t already bring this up – feck off. =)