Saturday, June 10, 2006

Thanks, Freaks

I wanted to do a quick post about all the weirdos I’ve met through the Internet, but then I realized it wouldn’t be a quick post. Instead I’ll just mention a couple of the losers I’ve encountered and what I’ve learned from them, and yes, I have learned something from them. It’s similar to reading novels – I prefer a good book but learn more from a bad writer, like what not to do. Because I’m both evil and classy, I’ll leave out the names which might make you wonder if I’m talking about you. (probably)

Like my blogpal Fatticus once told me, there are a lot of freaks out there and sometimes I think I’ve met them all. Okay, maybe not all, but I’ve encountered my fair share of the women. Whereas psycho male bloggers tend to be the type to get excited over the prospect of cybering with a twelve year old Asian Catholic schoolgirl, the women tend to go the opposite direction. Most of the Internet freakouts I’ve had have been after leaving an innocuous comment on a (fecking uptight American) woman’s blog, to which she invariably responds with something like “Ack! Stalker!” Here’s a blogging tip, kiddies – if you don’t actually want contact with strangers, don’t create a public blog, enable comments, and complain that nobody is commenting. I once found a blog by a random search wherein the (fecking uptight American) woman said “I’m going to post all of my innermost thoughts and desires here. I sure hope nobody hacks this site and finds out.” I thought about pointing out the fact that she created a public blog and listed her favorites on her profile to enable easier searches, but by then I had learned to spot a flake (at least one as obvious as that) and decided to silently move on.

The second blogger I discovered was a grown American woman living abroad, a funny and (supposedly) bright person, albeit permanently depressed and whiny. Her blogpals all seemed to be family and friends she knew in real life. We visited each other’s blogs and left each other comments for a couple of weeks, and then she created an online personality quiz and asked everyone to take it. I did and got all the answers correct, which caused her to immediately flip out. She claimed that I a) cheated on the quiz, and b) was stalking her from across the ocean. I could have pointed out that one precluded the other, but instead I tried to repair the relationship by telling her how I knew which answers to pick. Most were about how intelligent she was and how she was admitted to some Mensa-like association at a young age, but the answers were really obvious. When given a multiple choice quiz with three answers that sound generic and one that’s highly detailed, the detailed one is the obvious choice. Her family and friends left anonymous comments calling me a liar and a stalker, so I apologized and left her alone. I’m sure the apology sounded insincere – how do you say “I’m sorry I got all the right answers” without sounding sardonic? – but the truth was I really did feel bad about further depressing her. Yes, I know she was a weirdo, and yes, I know something would have set her off eventually, but I still felt bad about being involved. Due to that freakout, it was a long time before I ever did the online personality quiz thingie myself. BTW, if you’re insanely bored and weren’t a blogpal of mine in late 2005, my personality quizzes, part ichi and part ni, are still available. Knock yourselves out.

It’s funny, but despite the content of my blog, I almost never receive a mean comment – in fact, I think I’ve only had three in almost two years of blogging. Instead, I tend to draw reactions to my comments on other people’s blogs. Several times I’ve left a note on somebody’s blog only to have another reader (usually a fecking uptight American woman) follow-up with “What you said is wrong. And you’re not funny.” I don’t respond to those because, as the Royal Lurker himself has said, Internet beefs are silly and beneath me. Kira quoted one of her blogpals by sending me this bit of wit: arguing on the Internet is like being in the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still retarded. I keep that in mind when one of those losers throws a hissy fit on somebody else’s blog, but if I was to respond, it would be along these lines:

#1 – I wasn’t talking to you in the first place.
#2 – if you have an issue, contact me directly. Unlike you, I have enough respect for this person’s blog not to turn the comments section into a bitchfest unrelated to the post.
#3 – and if I did offend the persons to whom I was actually speaking, I think they are capable of defending themselves without you rushing to their rescue.
#4 – why do you think I value your opinion, fecking uptight American woman?
#5 – and this is the most important one: Feck Off!

So, what have I gotten from the Internet nutters? Almost two years later and I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as sensitive as I was in the beginning. (As proof, feck off! Yeah, you. I don’t care if I made you cry.) The last few times somebody got mad and wet themselves in somebody’s comments, I only found it sadly amusing. So, keep it up, (fecking uptight American women) whack jobs. You’re pathetic, but entertaining.

I’ve also noticed I’m not as deeply hurt when my stories get rejected, although I’m still just as elated when they’re accepted. I also credit this improvement to all the weirdos I’ve met through blogging. So, to you fecking uptight American women, once again I say “thanks” and I salute you and your nutty hormones and your cute little opinions which don’t match mine and are therefore retarded, not to mention totally gay.

And, in case I didn’t already bring this up – feck off. =)


Tracy Lynn said...

Glad to see you're still on the sunny side, dude.

Prata said...

Man...I meant to e-mail you the other day I met this hottest j-hottie (purposely redundant!)..and I am going to get her picture as soon as is possible without me getting locked up and sent down state. I'm just sayin'. (puts on stalking gear)

Or I can kidnap her and bring her to a mutual meeting location. By the tree again? ^_^

Kira said...

If I made a blog about the freaks I've met on the net, it would be an all-day project. I desperately want to say that it's been men who have been the issue, but the two largest nutcases I met on the net were female. Sigh. If it makes you feel any better, though, only ONE was American. The other was Canadian. Stupid bitches, both of them.

I showed Alex this post. He laughed, and then he shook his head and said that French women were far worse than American women. I told him that's the LAST thing you needed to hear! Sheesh. Here I am trying to convince you that the French are actually great, and here he is trying to point out that French women suck so he went for me...doesn't help the cause. He DID say that we needed to visit you as you seem like a lot of fun. I have to figure out now if that has anything to do with the fact that we just finished up season one of bab 5....hum....

feck off with love, baby :)

Nobius said...

If you're ever found dead, I promise I'll call the police and tell them to look for the killer in Oregon. :)

Mel said...

You're welcome, and I was actually hoping for more stalker-like behaviour from you - what gives?

Grant said...

tracy - yes, I'm always happy happy happy. =)

prata - post a pic, and I'll tell you if she's as hot as my dentist (no). When you get to the tree, phone "Rudy" and tell him "The nights are cold in Cleveland" and I'll be along shortly. :p

kira - so then we're all agreed - women are a problem. Unfortunately the God of Irony wasn't kind enough to make me gay.

nobius - thanks, dude. I knew I could count on you. I wonder if she's still reading - I refuse to use those big-brotherish tools that say who's visiting my site.

mel - you're not Japanese. :p

Anonymous said...

that was a really 'anal' angry post.. also quite unfair. But then thats grant for ya

x Fatticus

Grant said...

fatticus - yay! Mean comment #4. I'm on a roll. :p

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Leigh said...

What about the uptight canadian women?? I tripped over your blog this evening, thanks for the giggles.

Enemy of the Republic said...

As usual, I was terrified that I was getting slammed, but I'm not uptight, and I'm your biggest fan. I admit to all sorts of things on the blogosphere; sometimes I do forget that it is a public domain, and then the rude comments and emails come in. One email was so bad that I was tempted to post it, but I resisted and it was a good thing--we later on chilled out. I've been called "ugly fucking nasty", whiner, self-pitying,victim, hypocrite, sex addict--I deny none of it, except I wouldn't say I'm "addicted" to sex; I just like it a lot.

I've come across weirdos in both genders: men because they are lonely I think. and women because I just piss them off, and I become an easy target to attack via the web. I wish I could say I don't give a fuck because I truly believe most people are fine, and I enjoy my blog interactions. I'm no 12 year old Asian, so maybe I am spared the worst.

I think you are the kind of blogger that women either love or hate. And those who hate you are probably uptight. I think those women hate me too, plus I'm a hypocrite because I'm Christian and I shouldn't talk about sex or anything fun in the first place.

Leesa said...

As a fecking uptight American woman, I am annoyed by your comments. I would like to mention that I have killed squirrels in the past, cute little furry squirrels, when being annoyed.

And I have noticed that no other women are nearly as uptight as American women. We rule! We are such boeches! And we can't spell! Where is my freakin' medicine?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn right we rule, Leesa!

We are some BAD bitches...;)

patti_cake said...

Gee now that you have stomped on my delicate psyche because I SUCKED at your quizzes...... *wink*

Grant said...

leigh - I think Canadian women are generally easier to get along with, an assumption I'm sorely testing with today's post.

enemy - here's what I don't understand: nice people like you get nasty comments, and almost nobody ever criticizes me (fatty being a notable exception). And remember, as a Christian your behaviour should follow a simple guideline - if it feels good, don't do it. :p

leesa - to steal a line from Marv (which I think I blogged before), I love bitches. You can do whatever you want to them and you don't feel bad. :p

pq - as opposed to good bitches? :p

patti_cake - nobody got them all right on the first try, especially not the religion question. I can't imagine why everybody thinks I worship Satan.

messiah said...

just curious if a "freaks i've met in real life" would be a longer post than "freaks i've met on the internet"?

hellbunny said...

They way i see it the world is full of all kinds of people.When you go online you can meet anyone.I try not to take anything someone saysto personally .I leave all the comments up on my blog negative or good.everyone is entitled to their opinions

Angie said...

Took the quizzes & determined I know WAY too much about you.

Yes, we are uptight and fecking PROUD OF IT. Admit like it...go know you do ;)

Grant said...

messiah - I've definitely met more freaks online. I think the anonymity allows weirdos to relax and be themselves.

hellbunny - that's a good way to handle things.

angie - I can't believe you got that many right. You cheated - and you're stalking me. :p

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, Grant, I still do it, just not as much. And I have a very evil side--I can be lethal in written and oral language. By the way, check out my new template and tell me where I am screwing up, if you don't mind--a pro like you. I want to be cool like you, just not Satanic, sorry.

Liz said...

Feck off you jerk off. Where the hell do you get off saying all the crap about women? HU?? You are the suckiest suck that ever sucked!!!

Just wanted to up you quota of unpleasant comments. Wouldn't want you too disapointed. P

Anonymous said...

oh and feck off - yeh thats right -i'm abusing ya on your own blog! =P