Hi, Jesus. It’s me, your old pal Grant. We haven’t spoken in awhile, but don’t blame yourself. I’ve always thought you seemed like a decent enough guy – a bit of a hippy liberal perhaps, but then again nobody’s perfect. It’s just all the things that people do in your name that upset me. They probably bug you too, so I won’t go into detail here.
Anyway, I just wanted to say happy birthday to you. I know it’s not really your birthday today, but none of us ever get to celebrate on our actual birthday in these hectic days. Fortunately I’m off from work on your celebration day, so I always get to do it up in style. For instance, today I had pumpkin pie for breakfast, watched some of The Pretender on DVD, and now I’m going for the newly established traditional shrimp and steak dinner. Fun times.
Oh, I mailed the letter divorcing my mother today. I know the bible says I’m to honor my mother and father, but…I don’t care. It’s not my book or my religion or my rules. Nobody asked what I thought when they established it, so it doesn’t apply to me. The same thing goes for trivial laws like speeding and jaywalking and murder. Anyway, I admit that I felt a twinge of guilt when sending the letter, especially after she left me a holiday greeting on my answering machine in that cheer-strained voice she affects, but then I remembered how she always found a way to make me feel bad on my birthday and yours and I quickly got over it.
Hoping this finds you well,
Grant
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