Tuesday, August 24, 2004

For the last time...

I've addressed this before, but let me put the issue to rest here once and for all.  Some of my "mature" friends (they're older than me anyway) have commented on the fact that most of my favorite links lead to (possibly catholic) high school girls who are frequently of Asian descent.  To understand why this is, let me tell you my story of blogging.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (okay, a couple of months and I was sitting in my cubicle) I was reading Dave Barry's articles online and discovered he had something called a blog.  I checked it out and thought it was amusing, although it mainly contained links to humorous news stories on the web and rarely any personal insights.  One day I saw a story that had been contributed by Connie Chung, and I wondered if it was the famous newsperson.  She and Dave are both technically journalists, but I didn't think they operated in the same arena - one is a smarmy, overpaid weasel who disseminates no useful information, and the other is Dave.  Anyway, I noticed the name contained a link to a site with the words bunny and gurl in it, so I clicked and found the blog belonging to the lesser known but more intelligent Connie.

I read her posts for a few days, never paying attention to her profile, and I just assumed (based on her views and vocabulary) that she was probably in her mid to late 20's.  At some point, she made a passing reference to being in class, so I dialed my assumption down to early 20's.  Another post referenced a class that didn't sound very collegiate, so I adjusted again to seven- or eighteen.  I started reading her archives wherein she posted her birth date, which if I remember correctly, would make her currently fifteen.  All I can say is they're making a more focused class of fifteen year olds these days.  At that age I could barely create a mix tape from my albums, much less a web site.

SIDE NOTE - while reading Connie's blog, I was inspired to create my own, which makes her partially responsible.  If any of my vitriolic insights have offended you, feel free to let me know and I'll pass along the blame.

NOTE TO CONNIE - thank you.  Go repent immediately, young lady.

Anyway, now blogging myself, I began to use the search features to look for people with similar interests.  I found many wonderful people of all shapes and sizes and colors, many of which bored the ever-loving hell out of me.  Based solely on intellect and sense of humor, I discarded the losers and linked to the rest.  When the e-smoke cleared, I realized that my collection primarily consisted of (possibly catholic) high school girls who are frequently of Asian descent.  Feeling like a bit of a stalker, I searched for people interested in the same books, movies, and music, hoping to find contacts closer to my age.  I went through the weeding-out process, and when that was done I managed to add a few links, all (possibly catholic) high school girls who are frequently of Asian descent.

At this point, my older friends began to ask me what I intended to do with my collection of (possibly catholic) high school girls who are frequently of Asian descent (wink wink nudge nudge).  It's nothing at all like that, you sick bastards.  Obviously the fates intended for me to meet them, so I'm doing the only rational thing.  I have decided to turn them into my unholy zombified undead army of the night.  Because, hey, we'll need something like that when, in accordance with prophecy, the Earth is overrun by Giant Atomic Chickens.

Oh, yeah?  Just you wait!

I've already inserted a few lines of code into this blog which should begin the process.  If you ever find yourself starting at your computer monitor but not really thinking anything, it's just my zombification code restructuring your DNA.  It's nothing to worry about.

In any case, I hope my statement of intent puts you old people to rest.  Keep your filthy thoughts to yourself.

Prophesy, out

1 comment:

Connie blinked at said...

i'm mormon, not catholic. though i do wonder where my birthdate is. i don't mind you knowing it but in the future it shouldn't be available, ya know?